#5507

Name: Xenan

Pronouns: they/them

Age: 23

FYI: I don’t reblog or post any spo/sh pics, but I do discuss and reblog things that may be triggering. THIS IS BRAIN BASH BLOG. PLEASE DNI IF YOU DON’T ALREADY STRUGGLE WITH AN BROKEN BRAIN AND/OR SELF HARM. You don’t want this shit, it’s not fun or healthy and I don’t want you picking these habits up, you deserve better. REMEMBER YOU ARE WORTHY, VALID, AND LOVED EVEN IF IT DOESN’T FEEL LIKE IT. Stay safe and try to harm reduce when you can!

Height: 5’4 / 162.5

CW: IDK / IDC

Nope 8 now

Still did nothing today again

I didn’t even notice the day went by

How do become aware of time again?

Ah well maybe I go do stuff now idk

That might help? I need to go to class tmr

I can’t keep skipping

I’m tired of dealing with this. I hate that I don’t have an excuse for why my brain is like this. Why does the rest of my family seem okay??? I know they’re messed up too but how come they get to be functional??? How come they can hide it??? Why can’t I??? Why does this keep happening??? I’m trying to stay sane. I’m trying to pass my classes. Why does it feel like I’m constantly being sucked deeper into a sinkhole and every single time I try to claw my way back out it sucks me deeper in. I can’t point to trauma or smthn and be like seee??? That’s why my brain keeps tearing itself to pieces. That’s why I’m like this. But no, no, no, nope nothing. No anything. Not really anything anyways. When did everything go so wrong????? When did my thoughts become so twisted??? Why does I keep lying to my therapist?????? It’s stupid so stupid so stupid. I keep having the urge to pick fights with my friends and everything feels too bland but yet too overwhelming I can’t sleep I can’t sleep but I can, I just don’t want to. If I don’t sleep my mental capacity deteriorates, and that’s the only way besides drinking to keep the unwanted thoughts at bay. I’m completely idk I can’t seem to do anything and I don’t know what to do to fix myself I want to fix myself so bad I just want to be whatever makes everyone happy I don’t want to try to be me anymore. But am I even someone? I don’t know. I’m so happy I have this place tho. It feels like this is the only place I can really scream into the void. One of my friends attempted suicide again and they didn’t invite me even though they promised they would everyone’s such a liar everyone is a liar I’m a liar too tho. But I can’t pull myself back I keep feeling myself slipping away. When it’s bad I can’t pull myself back even when I’m with other people. They’re right there and I’m not sure what day it is or what time it is or what we’re talking about and I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying so so so so hard to pay attention but it’s so so so difficult to think at all because everything is melting and nothing seems to help??? The doctor put me on antidepressants and I lost my mind every time but I haven’t been diagnosed with anything other than the usual bundle deal (autism/adhd/dyslexia/dyscalculia) so they don’t really know what to do now I guess. They don’t know what’s wrong with me but how could they??? I lie and lie and lie and then lash out when they don’t see through them. I don’t want to lie tho, but before I even think I’ve already said I’m fine. My thoughts aren’t even my own. I’m afraid of what I don’t know and thought I knew because I remembered something I didn’t need to remember. Something I had completely forgotten and should have stayed that way. Not that it was anything that crazy or bad or anything, but it terrified me that something could be locked out without me knowing so easily. I don’t know what’s kept from me, so what can I even do??? I’m afraid to show my vent art to my therapist because I’m afraid she’ll leave me or think I’m crazy or think I’m just doing it to get her attention. I meade one vent art based on a dream I know the origins of it weren’t real but for some reason as soon as I finished it I was so disturbed I hid it away and never showed it to anyone. I know I made it but it felt like it wasn’t made by me. It felt wrong to throw it out but I couldn’t. So I hid it. I’m cold

Hmmm

Idk

Makes me happy

What to complain and whine about today????? Idkkkkk fuckkkkkk why do I keep running in circles while everyone else is getting their life together

Why do I do shit I don’t need to

Why can’t I turn my brain off

Why is doing things that harm me so intoxicating

I don’t know

Got a new clean streak (3months holy shiiiit) only to relapse for the MOST STUPID REASON IMAGINABLE like wtf???????????? Having the “boo hoo I’m so sad my life is soooooo difficult”70 times over? No relapse. Anime buffers three times in a row? Yea no that’s the one. Bc ofc that makes fucking sense arggggggghhhh am anger it’s so

Anyway

I am weak

Also why does email exist I hate it so much I fucking hate executive functional tasks kmskmskms aaaarrrrrggggg

Going insane alone in my room I need more chaos in my life, gotta get a roommate next quarter or smthn istg