a sigh and a half

IOP is wild y'all like... It's fine I guess? But everything feels unstable all the time, and I have a completely new meal plan that I'm not familiar with yet. I'm anxious all the time and it kinda sucks.

My nutritionist told my mom that I need to go into a higher level of treatment yesterday (like an actual treatment center). She thinks I'm a good candidate for iop, but there's no gaurantee of anything, and I'm just... terrified? Like what's gonna happen? What even is treatment???

I could have gone for a run today (I haven't been able to all week bc school and daylight savings), but instead I stayed home and drank hot chocolate with one of my best friends, and I think that's about as much of a win as I'm going to get this week

I love how I got to a semi-stable place during the summer, and then school started and my mental health went to shit.

staying positive about recovery is rough when your dietician appointments are really invonvenient and you don't feel like you need them

Some days eating feels like a victory, and some days you just have to eat, even though ED is bitching up a storm in your head, and hope that there will come a time when those days feel like victory too.

Am I the only one who arranges their food to look nice before eating it??? Like I don't know if I'm procrastinating or I think it's easier to eat when it looks nice, but either way I end up arranging my berries and other extra shit like that and I don't really know what to think about it.

I just love being so moody and unstable that my oatmeal boiling over in the microwave makes me throw a fit!! Really makes me confident that it'll be easy to readjust to school in two weeks!!