You never think about the last time you pick something up. It could be 5 years between the last time you log in to this infernal website turnt time capsule, and -now-, the today in which you are seemingly a Better Person. Wiser, smarter, less reactive, more experienced. Though, same penchant for pretty pictures, wise quotes, fandom gifs, and chunks of text tagged to oblivion. Carefully curated peeks into everybody’s mind! Don’t get me wrong, I will always be nostalgic for this platform and how it defined the most insecure years of my life. I will also always be grateful for how it was here for me when I thought no one else was. There is just one thing that bothers me;
I wonder how many apps I can spread my mind across until I feel satisfied. Another side blog? Private IG account? Posting in a digital diary feels like shouting into the same void I’ve been shouting into ever since discovering the internet. I’ve since grown into big boy pants and got myself a big girl job, a grand old domestic partnership and stable living to boot. What more can I ask for?
And yet I still find myself here, on this doggoned site, posting and posturing as if I don’t know myself any better.
“I never thought I could make it this far,” “I didn’t anticipate being here this long, hadn’t thought this far.” These are the scripts I’ve practiced when catching up with old friends or when someone asks what significant things I am going to do with my life. This is my reminder that I’ve achieved satisfaction and happiness beyond my teen imagination. Dreams get bigger and more ambiguous each time one comes to fruition. The finish line is one that I will cross multiple times throughout my lifetime as I dash through it, and it moves farther beyond my reach.
I just need to learn how to slow down and celebrate. Acknowledge that this is the best version of me that I can be right now, I have to choose what’s right and let things play out as they do. I have to trust that I can handle it.
It’s difficult, but it really is a matter of “no one knows what they are doing, adults are just making it up as we go.”
This is proof of me reinventing and revisiting myself. I’ll keep doing it for as long as I’ll live, and I will be living a long enough time just to see this through.





















