Im a seagull gazing out at the ocean

And I dont care to comprehend its mystery

Just let me sit here

With the birds

Walking nowhere

With 

dig a well deep enough to

supplant your divine inspiration

I went to get a coffee after work 

I usually am too tired to do anything to the extent I need to - so thats why I went to get a coffee

I dont usually buy coffee;I make it if I drink it

Something my immigrant dad instilled in me I think

He never understood the need to pay more than 20 bucks for shoes when the Jordans I wanted were made of the same shit

And despite my steadfast defiance to this ideology throughout my adolescence,

As an adult I have found parts of myself that align with it in some incongruent way;

starving myself so as to not waste 15 dollars on a meal ( itll add up I guess) to then spend way too much a shirt I liked but knew Id only wear a few times

Anyways I walked in & asked for a coffee not entirely sure what I wanted but with the intention of figuring it out as I went about it

Cold brew small 1 cream & almond; not almond milk the flavor I said

And the lady looked at me as if I was speaking another language

Her confusion pierced me and turned my cheeks red, I was a child in that moment again - sitting in a classroom with nothing but boxers 

The moment passed quickly as I glanced at the menu and realized they had some other name for the almond shot and we were solid then

But not before being taken aback at how suddenly dramatic that whole situation was for a moment despite nothing of consequence happening 

But that brief moment was sweet to me afterwards 

A direct connection to some juvenile affected part of my heart still sitting there waiting for an opportunity to sit in the light for a moment and remind me that I still dont know anything really - even stupid shit

I was so amused by my reaction… 

I asked the lady working the counter if the donuts were half off or free because it was later in the day 

She told me no and I told her I didn’t want any then

As I walked away from an older south asian man working there motioned me over and handed me Two blueberry donuts 

i wrung myself out so that i could collect upon the space between your lips and your nose so youd wipe me away and id come back like some persistent fever whispering broken songs into your mouth until i become one with the sweat on your skin

and i drowned out your cries and replaced them with more of yourself than you knew because that night the world was a broken carousel and i made the earth spin for you

And take off

Hurling slurs at the heretics as they preach to me

from the concrete

telling me ive forgotten something

when the only thing I’ve left behind was

my mind

ill go where I wont know and let it roll off somewhere I wont remember

and hope it settles off into a meadow

somewhere with a view

some one might be drawn to

theyll pick it up and

nameless faces wander from tent to tent concrete campers still sucking their decrepit thumbs

the grey birds follow in their shadows and I watch 

them move along some predetermined path 

set before them that I am forbidden from seeing

something about the magnet in their beak

that shows them the way back home they say

I think its the green speckles on their breast

each unique as a face that drives them on their

way back to where they belong amongst those

who know them know the orientation of each feather so sure and so determined with