200,000 Thoughts

I can’t make myself have a bubbly personality. I can’t smile on demand. I can’t be smarter and I can’t be a quick thinker. At work I am constantly messing up, down to my own stupidity. I try so hard, I really do. I struggle, but I never give up. But no one there takes me seriously and I wonder how many even like me at all. I feel like my presence there makes no positive difference whatsoever. 

If I disappeared, I can’t see myself being missed.

I generally try not to allow thoughts like that to consume me, but I can’t help it. My mind is far too powerful and unkind. If I were to no longer be alive, life would simply go on. The few who would grieve would eventually get on with their lives. In 25 years, I haven’t made a huge impact and I will not be remembered for anything significant. Just for being myself. My volatile, unpredictable, depressed, insecure, and anxious self.

Yesterday, I went on the London Eye for the first time in my life. This is just one of many photos of the beautiful views I had of the city that I love so unconditionally, even in spite of the fact that I’ve faced many of my life’s obstacles right here. This is the city where I have been at both my strongest and weakest, and both my happiest and unhappiest.

While I was up there, I felt like I was looking down at all my troubles; they were on the ground and I was rising high above them. I never imagined that a tourist attraction would bring me any peace of mind, but it did. Although it was temporary, it lifted a weight from my shoulders as it lifted me closer to the sky.

It’s not that I don’t listen, because I honestly do. People are often impatient with me even though I’m trying so hard. I just struggle to learn.