A USER GUIDE TO OWNING YOUR NEW MAGICAL BRAXIATEL PET ROCK
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW PURCHASE OF A MAGICAL BRAXIATEL PET ROCK. THIS GUIDE WILL ENABLE YOU TO LOOK AFTER AND FEED YOUR MAGICAL BRAXIATEL PET ROCK.
HERE ARE A FEW HANDY HINTS TO TAKING CARE OF YOUR NEW (STONE) BESTEST FRIEND:
Now that you have purchased a Braxiatel Magical Pet Rock, here are some highly recommended venues to keep your new bestest friend. We recommend that you donβt keep your new purchase near ornamental fishponds because Braxiatel Magical Pet Rock has a tendency to emit psychic waves of displeasure at your inability to keep ornamental fishponds aerated. Braxiatel Magical Pet Rock has strict keeping requirements, so please READ and ADHERE carefully to the suggested options.
Keep your rock close to a certain archaeologist on a warm sunny shelf. It will provide your Braxiatel Magical Pet Rock with many years of entertainment and hopefully discourage it from performing naughty tricks like genocide
In the event that you are unable to kidnap a certain archaeologist, TIME LORDS UNITED recommends that you lock your Braxiatel Magical Pet Rock in a high security prison facility under 24/7 supervision by patrolling robot drones. Ensure that the prison interface is constantly updated, because Braxiatel Magical Pet Rock is equipped with good reasoning faculties. (We wonβt tell you how good, because it would make you feel inadequate and maybe slightly scared).
WHO needs a boring mainstream Time War, when your very own Braxiatel Magical Pet Rock can start one in your backyard? Simply give it a few microspans, add water and hey presto! (Note: ending date is not included. Lifelong jail sentences may apply. Please see instore terms and conditions, we will not issue refunds if your backyard has been decimated by a new enraged time active species bent on the destruction of your Braxiatel Magical Pet Rock and all its surrounding environments including the currently extant universe)
Your new Braxiatel Magical Pet Rock does not need food. Whoeverβs heard of a rock needing food? Whoever has ever heard of a rock sneaking off to purchase incredibly expensive luxury goods for its own consumption? We have never heard of such a thing. We recommend you restart your consciousness to forget that you have ever considered such a thing as a possibility.
Your Braxiatel Magical Pet Rock has an immeasurable lifespan, unlike toy good marketed towards younger children known collectively as βTamagotchiβ. If you care and feed yourΒ Braxiatel Magical Pet Rock correctly, it may even decide to cover all your future funeral expenses, no matter the cost.Β
The prissy fluffy technocoloured bunny ears designed especially for Braxiatel Magical Pet Rock may annoy your new purchase significantly, but it will ensure, through glow in the dark technology (coming in one shape and size) that you will never trip over your Braxiatel Magical Pet Rock as it makes trips in the middle of the night to secure appropriate footware and clothing which may or may not have already happened as you were perusing this text.
As with most modern purchases, the Braxiatel Magical Pet Rock will not evolve unless exposed to the morphing powers of the equally Magical YET NOT ACTUALLY A ROCK Maggie Matsumoto. Our company is pleased to announce its policy of respecting the wishes of our products and is happy to deliver a punch in the face to any consumer willing or slightly motivated to complete their collection.
IN CONCLUSION: PLEASE ENJOY YOUR PURCHASE. IF YOU DO NOT ENJOY YOUR PURCHASE, WE RECOMMEND YOU PRETEND TO ENJOY YOUR PURCHASE OR GAIN THE NECESSARY PLASTIC SURGERY REQUIRED TO AFFIX A PERMANENTLY PLEASED SMILE TO YOUR FACE.
WE ARE VERY GRATEFUL FOR YOUR PURCHASE OF YOUR NEW MAGICAL BRAXIATEL PET ROCK, SO GRATEFUL THAT WE ARE NOW RUNNING AS FAR AWAY FROM YOU AND YOUR PURCHASE AS POSSIBLE. PLEASE DONβT MISUNDERSTAND, THIS IS NOT BECAUSE WE ARE ACTUALLY LIVING IN ETERNAL FEAR OF MEGALOMANIACS IN STONES, BUT BECAUSE WE WANT YOU TO ENJOY THE SOLE BENEFIT OF YOUR PURCHASE.
