(Its past my Bedtime)

there's a tortoise at work and he's 30 years old and I love that he's 30 years old because I can look at this animal that is 3 years older than me and go "does the man want his appy slices??" and he hustles over cause the man do want his appy slices

my three girlfriends. and YES they prophesy the death of the king of scotland

you all hate the position i sleep in because you haven’t advanced to my level and you’re jealous of my mental acuity and caustic wit as well as being extremely good at sleeping

This is like. The opposite of the recovery position

Defense against a guy in a chair

what do spinach be sayin

just realized you don’t need to say 6am or 6pm. we already know the m is there so just write like 6a or 6p. can’t believe no one figured this trick out before.

or you could do the easy thing and say 0600 and 1800

yeah like adding a bunch of unnecessary zeroes is easy. you piece of shit. you fucking coward

6p means 6 pence. that shit wont work in the UK

yeah but this is like for real people

he smacked the SHIT out that bitch LMAOOO

What is going on

Who’s fucking house is this????

booty shorts that read “do not resuscitate”

that only works if they find you ass up but I guess you have plans

fanny pack that says “please turn over”