Maki

i didn’t realize it for the first few years - something shifting, something so subtle. the winter makes us all cold, the summer makes us all a little out of our minds. i just loved her, because she was incredible, and i was the luckiest person alive.

it’s just that i realized that spring came with sudden bursts of cold. it’s just that summer frequently raged in with fire sprouting from her lips. it’s just that winter was the worst of all, her eyes dead. it’s just that autumn loves me different; throws herself into it without the clingy sweat of summer. i used to love that summer girl, you know? i loved how wild she was, the way in summer she took every risk she could. but i carried her home drunk one too many times, cleaned up one too many of the messes she made for no reason than to enjoy the sensation of burning. and winter was worse; the shutdown, the isolation. how she became distant, a blizzard, caught up in her own head, unable to tell me what was wrong and unable to think i actually wanted to listen.

she comes home, her hair bleached white. a dark smile on her lips. the shadowy parts of her are back. they loom like icicles overhead. she kisses me with her body held at a distance, a peck on my cheek that feels like an iceberg. she makes polite conversation and we go to bed early, our bodies untouching. 

it is a lonely season, i think on the ninth day of this. winter is cold. winter is known for the death of things. when i look at her, i see the girl i fell for, inhabited by an alien. she was the first women i loved so much i felt it would kill me. i can’t leave. when i wake her up with my crying, she tells me to shush and go back to sleep. she’s different like this, quiet, doesn’t eat. 

three days later i stare at myself in the mirror. i wonder if it’s me. if the fat on my body or something in my face or the wrinkles and she doesn’t love me. i try prettier lingerie, lean cuisine, i try different hair, more makeup, try harder. it doesn’t work. she looks at me the same; that empty gaze that neither loves nor condemns my actions. 

somewhere in februrary i lose it. we’re fighting again, from car to restaurant to car to home again. we fight about stupid things, small things; i tell her i feel she doesn’t love me, she says i’m not listening. the circle goes around and around, old pain peeling back, new pain unhealing. i sleep on the couch.

i wake up when i hear her crying, white hair around her all messed up. the kind of sobbing that only comes at two in the morning, heavy and thick and hurting. my winter girl. my heart is breaking. she looks up at me like i’m her anchor. “i’m sorry i’m like this,” she says. and i start saying, it’s okay i’m here we’re married, but she just shakes her head and says, “I know this isn’t the real me.”

i hold her cold hand. she stares at the blankets. “i am different in winter,” she whispers, “i know i am and i’m sorry.” she looks at me. “why do you think i dye my hair? cut it off? get rid of the old me?”

i tell her it’s okay. we’re together and it’s okay, and then she whispers, “i’m sorry you married four of me.”

we lay there like that, her head on my chest. she falls asleep. i stare at the ceiling, thinking of the way she sounded when she was crying. how i helped put her in that pain. how i promised in sickness and in health and everything in between.

the next day i spend at the library. there aren’t enough books on how to love someone with seasonal affective disorder so i make my own, notes and pages and little ideas on post-its. and i take a deep breath and make myself a promise.

she comes home to her favorite dinner and we kiss and she’s uneasy but that’s okay. the next day i bring home flowers and the next day she finds little love notes in her pockets. i love her quiet, the way winter demands, understand her sex drive is faltering; spend more time just cuddling. we drink wine and we kiss and some part of her starts relaxing. 

the truth is there is no loving someone out of their mental illness. the truth is that you can love someone in despite of it; love them loud enough to give them an excuse to believe they can make their way out of it.

and i learn. i remember the rebirth of spring, when she starts thawing. we kiss and have picnics in pretty dresses. i remember her joy at little birds and her rain dancing. i fall in love with the flowers in her cheeks and the little bursts of cleaning. i fall in love with summer’s slow walks and milkshakes and shouting to music playing too loud on the speakers. i fall in love with her dancing, with the sunfire energy. and when winter comes; i am ready. i remember that snow used to look pretty. i fall in love with the hearth of her, with the holiday, with the slow smile that spreads across her face so shyly. i fall in love with how she looks in boots and mittens and every day i find another reason to love her the way she deserves - they way i always should have.

she comes home with her white hair and dark smile and a package in her hands. i ask to see what it is and that small shy grin comes creeping out. it’s a sunlamp packed in with medication. she looks at me with those wide eyes and that beautiful winter blush. “i’m trying to get better,” she whispers, “i promise.”

recovery doesn’t look immediate. sometimes it isn’t neat. i can’t say we never fight or that we’re suddenly complete. but each day, that tiny girl’s strength gives me another reason. i love her. i love her while she tames the roller coaster of spring; i love her for reigning in the summer storms; i love her for taking her winter and trying to be warm. it is hard, because everything worth it is hard. she spreads out her autumn leaves; mixes the best parts of her into everything. learns to take winter’s silence for a moment before yelling in summer. learns to take autumn’s spice and give it to spring. we are both learning.

one day she comes home and her hair is different, but it’s a style i don’t know. i kiss it and tell her that she’s beautiful and the inside of me swells like a flood. i’m so glad that she’s mine. every part of her. the whole. i am the luckiest person on earth. and i always have been. but she’s hugging me and saying, “thank you for helping me,” and i can’t explain why i’m crying.

this is what love is; not always an emotion but rather your actions. the choices we make when we realize our lives would be empty if the other was absent. this is what love is: letting them grow, helping them find their way in out of the cold. this is what love is: sometimes it takes work to see how the thing you planted together actually grows.

pairing: min yoongi x reader 

genre: smut, fluff, comedy / college, podcast personality au

word count: 15,610

description: Two mystery students from your college run the podcast dubbed ‘mixtape.’ It’s become a sort of phenomenon around campus, listened to by almost everyone. In their most recent episode they discussed various study methods… One of them being oh so tempting.

“This week’s topic is—” Sugar started, of course only to be swiftly interrupted by the second half of the two-man show podcast that had sort of gone viral around your college campus.

But regardless of being cut short, the metallic nature of his voice still managed to worm its way directly into your chest, where it festered into something so captivating that you couldn’t help but sigh. It was cool to the touch as the syllables of his chosen words sent an intrusion of goosebumps along your arms and thighs. It had a certain gravel, a deepness that you could sometimes feel in the pit of your belly if you listened to him long enough with your eyes closed. However, more times than not, the grit would be severed with a vibrant laugh that rang so sweetly that you could feel it clamoring around your heart with giddiness on its heels.

“—Studying! So sexy, right?” Jay interjected mid-sentence, something that anyone who listened to their weekly episodes would quickly learn is a norm.

However, there were times of course where Sugar was allowed the courtesy of going off on long tangents without his friend’s interruption, and in those moments his voice was hypnotic, if you had to put it simply. It tugged you beneath the current of concentration until you were pressing the volume button on your phone to raise his vocals higher. The small hitch of his breath, or exhale against the mic when he would sigh due to the topic at hand, they made you lean in closer to the invisible man on the other side of the pre-recorded audio that filtered through your headphones.

How to Study when Sick

A week or so ago I fell sick and of course I still had a mountain of work to do, so during that time I found a few things that helped me when studying while I was sick. Without further ado here are a few tips on how to study when sick…

Before studying

Fluids

When you’re sick, your body needs fluids! Sometimes water can taste really gross when you have a sore throat so grab some tea; either herbal tea or good old English breakfast or try some hot water with lemon and honey; it does wonders for the throat! Make sure you have a big old cup next to you that you can grab for often.

Comfort is key

Dress comfy for your study sess! If that means your daggy sweatpants and oversized jumper or even pyjamas, do whatever is going to keep you warm and comfortable. But not too comfortable where you will fall asleep haha.

Eye drops

If you need to use computers while you’re sick make sure to have some lubricating eye drops on hand! You don’t want to get sore, tired eyes or even a headache when your body is already run down.

Gather supplies

Gather what ever supplies you will need when your studying. Here’s a list of some things might be helpful (of course just get whatever works best for your sickness!) :

What you are studying! (Flash cards, notes, computer)

Stationary (highlighters, pen, white out, ruler, sticky notes)

Tissues

Blanket

Cough drops

Tea/fluids

Snack

Medication

Deep heat

Hot water bottle

Hand sanitiser

Eye drops

Nasal spray

Humidifier

When studying

Small tasks

Do small tasks that require less brain power, so you don’t over exert your brain. Think easier tasks like flipping through flashcards, writing flash cards, organising notes, re-writing notes, planning your week, compiling lecture notes with textbook notes, making quizzes for yourself, an easy work sheet or going through last week’s class content.

Set timers

Set timers for when to take breaks and medication. You could even try using the Pomodoro technique to keep you motivated and productive.

Have a small do to list

Along with doing smaller easier tasks, have only a small to do list or maybe 2 – 4 items that will only take you 1 – 3 hours to complete in total, depending on how well you are feeling. By doing this you will feel more motivated to complete the small to do list as you know the tasks are simple. Additionally, by adding in breaks or using Pomodoro you are taking extra precautions against working to hard which will slow down recovery.

Ambient study sounds

The best thing I found to help me stay focused is to listen to ASMR ambient sounds. I found some great channels that make ASMR ambient sounds based on different rooms from movies, tv shows and books. Here are my two favourite channels ASMR Rooms & Story Ambiance. Some of my favourite videos (all harry potter themed, so I can feel like Hermione haha) are Hogwarts Library, Studying in the Great hall, Gryffindor Common Room, Potions Classroom and Sitting in a Hogwarts Class.

After studying

Make a to do list for tomorrow

After you have finished everything from today, make a to do list for tomorrow. This is an opportunity to brain dump anything in terms of school that you are worried about completing and gives you direction for the next day.

Have something to look forward too after your session

Have something planned after your study session that will be relaxing and enjoyable. Something like watching a movie, reading a book, calling a friend, watching a YouTube video; basically, anything you enjoy and look forward to doing. This can act to motivate you to get work down yet also be a much-needed winding down reward for you brain and body.

Take a nap!

You worked hard, made a dent in your to do list and feel productive so take a nap! Your body needs to rest so give it what it needs and take a nap. This will help your body recover quicker and will help your mind to relax from working for a long time.

Extra tips

Be easy on yourself

If you only complete one item before getting too tired, or if you couldn’t even complete one to-do, then that’s fine! Have some self-compassion and realise that you’re sick and won’t be able to be as productive as normal. Once when I was sick, a task that took me normally 45 minutes to do took me 2 hours because my brain was so foggy, and it was hard to concentrate. You’re not alone in being unproductive, we all go through it went sick and run down.

Don’t overwork yourself

Nothing is worse than over working yourself when you are sick, it will only make you stay sick for longer! Do not push your self to be a productive super human when your body can’t handle it, its only going to make you less productive in the long run

Here is the thing about Memorizing: Some people are naturally really good at it and others have to work harder.  

When I was younger, I was the first one. I memorized all of my music for band and passages of books for presentations.

When I got to university and was asked to memorize long strings of dates and events, my professor introduced us to the “Door/Hallway technique”. If anyone watches Sherlock, this is similar to the memory/mind palace technique, or the roman room method.  

The first step is to close your eyes and imagine you’re in a hallway with a row of doors. For me, I imagine the hallway where I live in my university residence, which is a row of orange doors.  

Now imagine you open up the first door. For this example let’s say you are trying to remember everything that happened last month first: you might visualize a calendar showing February. If you had a test, you might visualize your materials spread out on a desk. If there was a family member’s birthday, you might show a cake with their name on it.

The last step is to continue doing this. That’s it. Add as many rooms as you need. I used this method to memorize the entire canon of art history for a test, from 35 000 BCE to Byzantine Rome. By creating rooms for each period, I was able to visualize what was happening at the same time: it allows me to connect what happens in the Mediterranean to what’s happening in Europe to what’s happening in North Africa. It allowed me to memorize and visualize thousands of years of art and situate them in relation to each other the way a timeline just couldn’t.  

Junhui: How about I taste yours for a change?

As a cognitive neuroscience major, I read a lot of lengthy academic papers. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from having done so many damn readings, it’s that you don’t actually need to read every single word in the paper to understand it. A lot of times, the author will repeat themselves over and over, or offer evidence/explanations that aren’t essential to understanding their argument. Instead, I recommend using the first/last method, which is essentially a guideline to what you should read in order to understand the main gist of an academic paper. 

Any academic paper consists of three structural units: the paper as a whole, the sections/subsections that make up the paper, and the paragraphs that make up each section. The paper as a whole typically follows a certain form: intro/abstract, main argument separated into sections, conclusion. The sections cover one facet of the main argument. The paragraphs provide specific details or explanations for the topic currently under discussion.

The first/last method is exactly what it says on the tin: you only need to read the first and last bit of every structural unit. This means you will read the following as they are presented in the paper: 

abstract, intro, and conclusion

definition of terms, if provided

first and last paragraph of each middle section

first and last 1-2 sentences of each paragraph

The main argument is typically summarized in the intro/abstract, conclusion, or both. The main claim of each section is usually presented in the first paragraph, and the conclusion of the section typically expresses the implications of that claim. Finally, paragraphs will usually start with some kind of topic sentence and end with a conclusion. By reading only these things, you’ll pick up at least 70% of the meaning of the paper, and you’ll save yourself a lot of time and frustration. 

If you’d like to bump that comprehension up to 95%, I recommend skimming the paper for italics, lists, and descriptions/summaries of other arguments and reading those things when you encounter them in addition to the things mentioned above. The key to this is to skim for certain cues, and not read every single word. Italics serve as a visual cue, lists are cued by indicators like “first”/”second” or “1)”/”2)”, and summaries of other arguments are typically indicated by copious citations or usage of another author’s name.

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