Given the economy and political situation and everything, I think I'm open to bribes.
Give me $5 and I'll overlook that beer bottle in your purse. $10 and I'll give you the pcket knife with a bottle opener I removed from a guy a few minutes ago

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@tsa-agent
Given the economy and political situation and everything, I think I'm open to bribes.
Give me $5 and I'll overlook that beer bottle in your purse. $10 and I'll give you the pcket knife with a bottle opener I removed from a guy a few minutes ago

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We have been informed of persistent rumors about a terminal three. We would like to kindly remind you that there is no such thing as terminal three and there never was.
People seem to be under the impression that just because we have a terminal two and a terminal four there must be a terminal three. Honestly people, get a grip. That's not how the world works
this is your pilot speaking I need one of you to bring me a burger thatβs going to restore my will to fly this aircraft
Things may be chaotic right now but that does not mean I'm letting you take you gun on the plane.
No I don't care that it's disassembled.
Yes I understand you don't have ammo.
You're getting a pat down, I'm confiscating your gun, then you're getting an interrogation after I make you wait for an hour, and then if I decide not to charge you with anything you're getting booted to the back of the line.
Yes, I know you'll miss your flight.
Sir, don't take that tone with me.
Yes I understand the line is 3 hours long -- that means you had 3 hours to think things through and STILL decided to bring this gun up here and make me do paperwork. I hate paperwork even when I AM getting paid.
...Alright just for that, sir, I'm letting Johnny do your pat down. And remember, if you threaten us, that greatly increases your chances of jail time. Do you want that?
That's what I fucking thought. Go stand over there, asshole.
Yeah so I'm not getting paid still so guess what go fuck yourself

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We are the proud owners of two 3.5 kilometer stretches of road in a field that don't really connect to anything or go anywhere
Don't forget the recycled industrial chimney with an office on top. And the lake...
When going through security lines where you have to take off things that generally take time to put back on, such as shoes, if the line is busy and there are people behind you it's more considerate to collect your shoes / belt / jacket / etc and step away from the conveyor belt if possible to put them back on, rather than crowding right in front of the conveyor belt and blocking other's access while you're putting your things back on.
Especially in major airports, generally past security there will often be areas with tables and possibly chairs too for people to put their shoes / jackets / belts back on rather than crowding in front of the conveyor belt and blocking other's access, so if you're in a larger security area like an airport look for tables or chairs set up for people to go to for putting their stuff back on.
Of course it's not always possible, such as if if the security area is somewhere outside (like for a large commercial amusement park) and it's wet / rainy out you maybe don't want to walk very far in your socks or bare feet.
However, if possible, moving away from the conveyor belt to put your stuff back in is preferable to blocking others' access to grab their stuff, which allows the line to move more fluidly so everyone can get through security faster.
Bongs are not allowed through the TSA checkpoint... not without at least one agent taking a hit. Sharing is caring!
Would you still like me if I was fundamentally unlikable but had fat tits and a lot of un-built balsawood airplane models that we could do together?
What kind of airplanes
I'm not sure about love, but you can pass through the security checkpoint after we xray those tits
The real reason we quit letting pilots and crew skip the security line is not to make them stop smuggling drugs-- it's because we want a cut. Sure, a pilot can take cocaine on board, as long as we get to snort some first.
Have a safe flight!!

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PSA:
Do not try to smuggle fae in your carry on. They can, and will, escape and break our xray machines.
So for the courtesy of other passengers in line, please leave your fae at home or purchase a separate ticket for them and make sure they are safely contained and thoroughly entertained. Appropriate fae containers must use one way glass so that they are visible at all times but are not aware of the plane. If they become aware of the plane, pray swiftly to whatever god you may or may not believe in.
Have a good day and fly safe.
If you are NOT Pre-Check, DO NOT get in the Pre-Check line. You WILL be made to go through the general line, and all our agents and the other passengers WILL hate you for wasting everyone's time. And when you go through the regular line, we WILL arbitrarily confiscate something as payment for pissing us off.
Don't test us. Use the correct line.
For the LAST time, fireworks are NOT ALLOWED
Reply hazy, try again

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Notice to maintinace crews: screw harder on Boeing airframes.
In order to enroll in TSA PreCheck, you must:
Apply online
Visit an enrollment location
Get your TSA PreCheck Known Traveler number
US Citizenship status, appropriate documentation, and a non-refundable fee of $78 are required in order to become enrolled.
Active duty military can receive PreCheck benefits by entering their department of defense ID number. Some credit card and hotel rewards programs will pay for or reimburse the PreCheck fee.
Note that none of the above says you automatically gain PreCheck status at a certain age. Being old does not instantly qualify you for PreCheck, and you must go through the regular TSA checkpoint line with everyone else, sir.