i'm tryna be a tree

it’s been 5 weeks of no pill and i feel fine!

yaasssss

'Many are already choosing to explore non-hormonal options and find out more about their fertility. They're gaining body literacy and they’re using this knowledge to make informed decisions about contraception and their reproductive health.

no headache today.

conclusion:

i have a slight headache and i felt light-headed when i got up this morning. 

someone on this forum -- where other people have reported similar post-pill symptoms -- says:

Headaches are caused by a number of factors, one being the rapid vasodilation (enlarging of the blood vessels) and rapid vasoconstriction (shrinking of the blood vessels) in the layer that covers the brain. Hormones like those found in birth control pills cause vasodilation; mainly from progesterone but some from estrogen. Thus a drop in hormone levels, like during the cessation of birth control pills, can cause a rebound vasoconstriction and resultant headache. This is evidenced by the fact that the prevalence of menstrual migraines are highest during menstruation when hormone levels are the lowest.

not many people post updates, but those who do have said that their headaches went away after three months or so, which is roughly how long it (can) take for your body to return to its normal hormone levels.

i’m not too worried, and this headache is not debilitating.

i am ordering pure encapsulations DIM detox caps and femmenessence macaharmony, at the recommendation of lauren at the holy kale, to help get my hormones back on track, and hopefully they’ll curb my headache symptoms.

i’ve been using this vitamin c serum by OZ naturals. it’s 100% vegan, cruelty-free, paraben-free, sulfate-free, mineral oil-free, lanolin-free, gluten-free, and GMO-free. i think a lot of older ladies use it for its *anti aging* properties. i’m using it because my mom is making me use it and while i’m home with her i have limited free will.

byebye pill

for the last year and a half, i’ve been a happy user of the diva cup, an eco-friendly alternative to tampons and pads -- eco-friendly because it’s reusable and won’t contribute to the mounting, difficult-to-biodegrade waste left by used tampons and pads. you wash it with soap and warm water while you’re on your period every time you dump out the menstrual blood, and you boil it between cycles to really get rid of bacteria. the diva cup is made of silicone (free of latex, plastic, PVC, acrylic, acrylate, BPA, phthalate, elastomer, polyethylene, colors, and dyes) and can be worn safely for up to 12 hours at a time, depending on your flow. i’ve worn it for up to 24 hours with no problem. the *only* time i had an issue with it was when i was doing a supported shoulderstand during a class at yoga to the people. i think being upside down skewed the hold my vaginal muscles had on the diva cup, because when i was right side up again, i had a leak. but as long as you aren’t doing acrobatics, the diva cup is super solid and i love it. 

from bitchmedia:

The groups behind Menstrual Hygiene Day aim to raise awareness about the challenges many individuals face during their menstruation and make it clear that having a safe, hygienic period is a human right. The date was chosen mixing up some pretty symbolic numbers: The average number of days a period lasts is five and the average number of days in a menstrual cycle is 28. So Menstrual Hygiene Day happens on the 28th day of the fifth month of the year.

Furthermore, Menstrual Hygiene Day is a day to build understanding that not all women menstruate, and not all people who menstruate are women. There are cisgender women who, often for health-related reasons or their birth control, do not menstruate. There are transgender women who do not have uteri and do not menstruate. And there are intersex people or people not identifying as women, but as trans men, genderqueer, gender non-conforming individuals who can menstruate. All menstruating individuals have the right to receive suitable information and medical care to experience a healthy menstrual cycle, and this is still challenged by ignorance and prejudice. Menstrual hygiene is a critical human right and menstrual education is essential not only for those who menstruate, but for all human beings.

Why menstrual hygiene is fundamental:

i’m revolting against the hair product industrial complex which makes our hair dependent on hair products.

and since i’m suddenly committed to getting to know myself better, this means getting to know my hair better. under the hair product industrial complex, my hair is coarse and thick and prone to split ends. if i brush it it gets frizzy. if i let it do its thing it’s wavy and voluminous. it holds braids without elastics. if i let it really do its thing it’s prone to dreading.

i want to know what my hair does on its own. so the last time i used shampoo and conditioner on my hair was may 11. since then, i’ve only used water (not daily), dry shampoo (once), argan oil mixed with essential oils (like 3 times?), and baking soda (once). 

i’m for sure in some sort of transition phase as my hair gets used to not being stripped of its natural oils. so my hair is hella oily right now. 

but that’s ok. i’m learning more about my hair!

like when i did the baking soda thing, i fucked up and put it all over my hair, but i should have only put it on my scalp and roots. after i did that, the ends of my hair got super frazzled and dry, which is when i went out and bought argan oil and mixed it with some essential oils (clary sage and lemon) and started rubbing a few drops of that at a time on the ends. now my hair is not super dry at the ends, which is nice.

anxieties about quitting the pill:

- acne. ugh. this will be a side effect of cutting off the flow of estrogen and progesterone my body’s gotten used to under chemical colonization and letting my testosterone run wild like a stallion in springtime. but why don’t we live in a society that’s more accepting of all human forms and conditions? by being fiercely and proudly pro-acne, i will a) force myself to love myself through thick and thin, b) force my loved ones to continue to love me through thick and thin, and c) promote a world in which normative standards of beauty can go die.

k so i’m quitting the pill.

according to my high school journal, i started taking the pill  (ortho tri cyclen & sometimes ortho tri cyclen lo) on august 24, 2008. i had lost my virginity to my first real boyfriend 13 days prior and i wanted to ditch the condoms. now i’ve been taking the pill non-stop for almost 7 years, with/against 19 other lovers. today is may 27, 2015. i’m three days into my period. i think i’m just going to not start a new pack.

reasons for quitting:

- who am i without xtra estrogen & progesterone?????????? i am almost 24 and a half and i wanna know my ‘true’ ‘self.’ by ‘true’ i mean ‘natural’ and by ‘natural’ i mean ‘free of outside chemicals and hormones.’ i’ve had an all around awesome time with the pill (regular periods, no cramps, light flows, no irritability, no depression, no insomnia, fine skin). but like who am i tho. what are my baselines, physically and psychically and sexually. i want to know myself better.*

- currently walking the sex desert. the only protection i need is against all tha ultraviolet rays ammirite ladies.

- even if i wasn’t walking the sex desert, i no longer want to participate in a patriarchal system that makes women financially and bio-chemically responsible for birth control. men have as much agency to control birth as women have. while i was on the pill, i valued the ‘freedom’ of not having to worry about pregnancy, but i now want to place the onus of this anxiety on both partners, because my ‘freedom’ was basically the freedom to pleasure penises??? penetrative sex doesn’t even make me cum, and i’m not tryna go above and beyond to pleasure penises. i’m done worshipping at the penis shrine.

- no more responsibility! thanks to planned parenthood, i was getting my pill for ‘free,’ so money hasn’t been an issue. but now i don’t have to remember to take it every day! i don’t have to refill my prescription! i don’t have to make room for my pill pack in my purse! i don’t have to make sure to bring the purse that has my pill pack when i crash somewhere! and in my fantasies where i spontaneously go ‘on the road’ i don’t have to plan ahead to get 90 day prescriptions! ugh i am inching towards liberation. i am a modern woman.

- i’m not tryna get cancer (or blood clots or a stroke). my mom’s mom had breast cancer. my mom had breast cancer. i don’t have the breast cancer gene, but i’m not tryna get cancer.

- whose pheromones am i attracted to without the hormonal interference of the pill? have i seen all my past lovers through pill-tinted lenses? what’s my *tru* *taste*? (who am i.)

- i think since i started taking the pill my whole existence began to be marked by haze. i can’t rightly describe this haze. it didn’t make me less present -- or maybe it did. i don’t know. it’s like feeling a little removed from the world, not that the world is passing me by, because i’m still running around in the world, but that i’m floating two inches above the ground and am only sometimes really ‘in it’ with my heels dug into the earth. i never would have associated this haze -- which i sometimes noticed, which never bothered me much -- with the pill until i started reading things on the internet about how sometimes a mental fogginess can be linked to the pill. maybe if i stop taking the pill, i’ll always be ‘in it.’ maybe going off the pill will be like a psychedelic trip where everything is more intense and rich with meaning. maybe all my colors will be more vivid. maybe i’ll cry more.

so i’m gonna #leanin and walk this path towards my natural self, tho it will be beset on all sides by acne and mood swings for the next year until my hormones rediscover their balance. yolo.

when i get old, i want to be a tree.

i will be wise and gnarled, gnarly and radiant. by then i will have seen and suffered much. yet peace will knit my branches, and when the wind blows i will let my leaves go all awry and not care much what it means. to my surprise and relief, the dying earth will have outlived me. i will look upon the land and the things left alive and my thoughts will come as susurrus. i will have left speech behind long ago. i will have found deeper, more resonant expressions for my self.

if i am a flowering tree, my blossoms will crown the young lovers and lonely kids who place their hands on my cool trunk.