The Last List Ever About Living in L.A.
You've read hundreds of them: these lists that celebrate all things good and bad about Los Angeles. You've congratulated yourself for relating to as many of them as humanly possible. 'OMG that's SO true: [people have CELL PHONES], [tacos ARE Mexican], [there are STAIRS in fucking HILLSIDES], [I AM a superficial, entitled FUCK] etc. You've *correctly* agreed that endless sunshine and absence of urine smell trumps all the namedropability of That Other City (TOC). The only problem is: These Lists Are Bullshit. Deal with this truth-bomb of a list below.
13. There is PLENTY of parking.Ā Disagree? you are colossally lazy or terrible at parking your car. Seriously. Running late and still can't find a space? There's a MAN who will park you car for FOUR DOLLARS.
47. The Traffic is FINE. You don't have a traditional job. You don't work '9 to 5'. Nobody expects you anywhere. Oh, you work over THERE? Why not live there? Furthermore: Have you been to BOSTON? The roads are a spider-web of one-ways, none of which run north/south or east/west. They're covered in snow or deluged with rain or drenched in humidity and some kid wearing a Sawx Cap is chucking a rock at you because you're a 'fuckin homo'.
11. Yes, there is 'Culture'. This is where we drop some names of The Coolest stuff we know about and explain that if you just Thought About It For Five Minutes or had any Natural Curiosity About Where You Live, you'd have been to some of these places/things or at least heard of them. Maybe you should ask yourself what you've been doing all this time and who you've been hanging around (see number 32 below).
32. LA *IS* Filled With Superficial Assholes, Dumb People, Whores, Wannabes, Guys With Cool Sleeves, Predators, That Fucking Chick. However: you don't have to hang out with these people or Ever See Them. Unless you're up to no good, pursuing some horrible mis-guided dream, or kinda dumb yourself.
57. The Are Indeed Seasons.
Jeans and a T-Shirt (or Swimming Attire, if applicable)
Jeans and a T-Shirt (bring a Long Sleeved shirt for Later)Ā
Jeans and a Long Sleeved Shirt (bring a Jacket for Later)Ā
You Can Play Pretend and Wear Winter Clothes / Jeans and a Long Sleeved Shirt and a Jacket.
74. Here's Where I Bust Out All The Cool Things I Know About.
The Bar where 4 Fingers of Whiskey is 5 Dollars and You Just Walk in the Door. Of course, you have to leave your little nest of a neighborhood.
The Beautiful Outdoor Spot. That isn't filled with aspiring actresses in workout clothes and makeup, doesn't have dogs shitting everywhere, but you think is So Far Away.
Lovely Architecture that Moby hasn't blogged about.
But Isn't That In A 'Black' Neighborhood?
People That Don't Work in 'The Business'
That Apartment/House/Loft/Condo. The one that's in the middle of a Major World-Class City but is somehow pretty quiet, surrounded by palm trees and, occasionally, wild parrots. The one that you bemoan the cost of but when you think about what it would cost to live in anything comparable (if it existed) in TOC, you realize you've won the lottery. Sure, you could live in Tornado Country for less but what the FUCK would you do there?
In Closing:
Sure the 'Air' is poisonous but so is water, soil and food everywhere else. So, to borrow from Robert Towne: 'Fuck It, Jake: It's Chinatown. The food here is actually terrible but we can eat on any patio anywhere in this goddamn city 50 weeks out of the year. Let's Dine Al Fresco.'
#referencetoafuckingMOVIEthatyoutotallyLOVEOMGitsSOGOODeventhoughthatguyfuckedthatchickbutwhateverUGHtheseventiesiwastotallyborninthewrongERA
