Midnight

And I get that.

I truly fucked up his trust and faith in me. I made him start questioning my faith and loyalty to him.

I know that as much as I want us to be back where we were right now, it is not going to be that simple.

It will take time, a long time no doubt. I have already accepted that.

But he had a weird burst of energy late last night. It was after I had gone to sleep, and when he decided to go to bed.

His coming to bed brought me out of my sleep partially. It also brought to my attention my stupid bladder problems I've been having ever since I got the IUD inserted.

After I got back from the bathroom, he decided to joke around by laying across the entire bed. And that's fine, I was still half asleep but I knew he was just playing around.

Despite our small progress to talking again earlier that evening, and even watching a film together for the first time in a week, I didn't think we were at the point of playing around, especially in the middle of the night.

But there he was, playing around. One of the things I have been missing lately between us.

He admitted he just had a burst of energy, but wasn't horny.

I said I was sorry that he had this energy, and asked if I could do anything.

He came to the realisation that it was probably because we normally have sex, and we hadn't had it in over a week. He assured me he wasn't horny, but that was probably what it was.

Not even a minute later, he was asking for sex because it turns out he was actually horny. Or at least became so after considering it.

From barely talking, to admitting he couldn't touch me, I didn't think he would be wanting sex from me any time soon. I know he is a rather sexual being, and we had already gone nearly 3 weeks without sex while he was on holiday without me, but given my recent fuck up, I didn't think he'd be asking for sex.

I was grateful, though, that he wanted sex at all. I knew it wouldn't be the same as normal, there was no extensive kissing and foreplay, just straight to the point, penetrative sex.

I enjoyed what I could from it, but I don't think I ever reached climax, although I am never entirely upset when that occurs. Sex for me is more about bringing him pleasure than myself. I do enjoy sex, don't get me wrong, but I can't always climax.

And to be honest, the IUD had me concerned from before it was even inserted about how sex would be with it in. I know the device sits within the uterus and so it can't actually be felt by anyone, but I am also aware of the little threads poking out through the cervix which can be felt. I was worried he would feel them and it would ruin the whole experience.

There was also the fact he squeezed around my waist quite hard. It wasn't painful, not in the slightest. But I do have major body image and weight issues that I struggle with, and him squeezing what is essentially just fat had me highly self conscious, wondering if he realised how much fat he was squeezing on my body.

I don't think he is quite so aware of so many things at one time, especially during sex, but I am. And I had these 2 things overwhelming my brain to the point I couldn't allow myself to enjoy the pleasure sex brings and reach climax. There were other thoughts and issues flooding my brain at the time, but those were the two main ones.

I am so incredibly grateful to have had sex with him last night, especially in the tense situation we are currently in between us, and I hope one day, sooner rather than later, I am able to fully enjoy sex with him again. But for now I am focusing my entire efforts and energy on him, his pleasure, his comfort, his happiness.

I always do a lot of the housework, and pick up things from the shops for him that I know he needs, but now I am going to focus on that even more. Essentially nothing for me changes in that respect, I keep doing what I do, maintaining the house as best I can.

Even yesterday when he asked what I got up to, I told him about not just my physio appointment and that my ankle is improving, (I didn't even mention the fact that I can start incorporating light jumping into my rehab exercises), but I told him about I cleaned the house up a little, and he expressed his amazement and gratitude for that. I know the biggest thing he was appreciative of though was getting his car fixed.

I know the car battery was weighing so heavily on his mind, when he asked me to help him out with it, of course I was going to say yes. I know absolutely nothing about cars or cost of repairs for them, but he told me his preferred company and his absolute last resort option. Fortunately I was able to avoid his last resort, and the new battery I managed to source (including insrallation) came with good warranty. When he told me how relieved he was when he at least saw my text saying I got it sorted, I felt a sense of pride for being able to take care of something for him.

I have always, always wanted to do anything I can that may help him in life, whether that's with his daughter or help around the house or picking up things from the shops. All I want is to bring him happiness and to help make his life feel that much easier.

I know I have royally screwed up, and I know how to be more aware of things like that in future. I know it sounds ridiculous, that I "need to be aware of people/words/situations", but I do.

I have never really been one to notice when a guy is flirting with me, especially not with words. And although I am aware men find flexibility in women a "turn on", as someone who literally grew up in a world where flexibility is required for sport, my natural instinct is to retain that flexibility and show it off when asked.

In my head now, I still look back at that moment and go "I was just trying to show off how good I am at something I grew up doing but have really slacked off in adulthood". But having gone through what we have, and better understanding things from his point of view, I can see exactly how I fucked up.

I hope he knows that it was absolutely never my intention to hurt him in that way. We both know how it hurts to be cheated on. And although he saw another guy trying to get his hands on me, I would never want to be with him sexually. I've never wanted to be with anyone so badly before, and to see how badly I keep screwing things up is hurting the both of us.

I know he hurts more than I do, my pain is more hatred towards myself for having hurt him in the first place. His pain is from my actions directly affecting him.

I wish I could blame this on my lack of dating skills, my lack of emotional regulation, my lack of social intelligence, all due to my BPD and my childhood experiences. But I can't. That would be just trying to find an excuse for my poor behaviour, and that is not how I learn or grow form this.

We both want this to work out for us in the long run, but I have royally fucked up this month.

Although the end of 2023 is approaching, and many may see my trying to be better is a "2024 resolution", it is honestly a relationship resolution. A me resolution.

In fact I have already started working on myself, as difficult as that is.

I am looking towards myself and asking myself why I have done these things. And he's right. He does love me more, because for so long I have only had myself to rely on in the good times and bad. I now have someone who is in my corner, but I've never had someone's corner to be in except my own. I have grown to learn how to protect myself, when I no longer have to. I have him, and he is supposed to have me.

But all I have done lately is let him down.

So now I am shifting my focus, I will focus on protecting and supporting him. He is the number 1 person in my life now, not me.

I am not saying I am going to give up on myself, that would just be contradictory to everything I am working towards. But from now on, I will do things that benefit him and the both of us.

I support him, his dreams, his actions. I will not tear him down, or back away from his interests.

I did this.

I hate myself.

I wish I could turn back time and do so many things all over again, but the right way this time.

I don't know how or why I keep fucking things up, but I do, and I hate myself so fucking much for it.

I'm scared I've ruined things beyond belief and we can't fix them again.

When we go see friends and family, we act like everything is fine and that we're endgame, but deep inside I feel like this is actually the end.

I don't want it to be the end, I really don't.

His trust in me is shattered, I'm trying really hard to repair it, but I know that takes a very long time.

I know he doesn't believe a word I say, but everything I say is only ever the truth.

I'm wondering now if our relationship is now just going to be a facade for everyone else, while at home we don't look or talk to each other.

When we are with friends and family, and act like we're okay, I enjoy those moments all I can because I know the second it's just us again I'm going to feel so fucking alone.

I'm terrified of what will come next.

I almost never want to sleep so tomorrow doesn't come.

When I do fall asleep, I never want to wake up so tomorrow doesn't come.

But sleep happens, and I keep waking up to this never ending nightmare.