I Just Want You

So for starters, I am a bisexual woman, but the way I flirt with men and women is very different, but (despite my best efforts) most of my experience does come from flirting with women.

With other women, I tend to take on a more masculine role (or offensive role if you'd prefer.) That is, I try to engage first. What that means for me is that if I see a woman I'm interested in, I'll tend to hang close by with them but not in their group, and I wait and I listen. What I'm looking for is an opening, whether that's a funny comment, a conversation, a place to interject, a part of the conversation where I can seamlessly slide in with her or the group she's in and talk to her. If that goes well I can sort of introduce myself and start building a rapport and join the conversation. If you're looking for a cold open, compliment compliment compliment. Outfit is always the safe bet, compliment it and what you like about it. "omg I like that top it's cute!" "I LOVE your skirt it's so fun!" The goal is to start the conversation and start looking for threads to pull in that conversation. Now I'm also a joker, I love making people laugh, and I especially flirt by trying to make other people laugh. If you are also a joker you can slowly start to attune your jokes to her. You make a joke and your eyes immediately flick over to her and see what she laughs at and what she doesn't and how hard she laughs and go from there. Once you're here, if you are also a girl, you can kind of slowly integrate yourself into this group. You need to build that rapport first, get to know her, talk to her, learn about her, but also include the group as well. You don't want to be only talking to her in a group setting. If conversation splinters off in the group, you can shift your focus to her, but it's very rude to ignore the rest of the group for just one person. Once you've kind of familiarized yourself with the group, or just her in general, and you've built enough rapport, then you can start really turning on the gas. I'm a touch person so I like to have a hand close or on them. And it doesn't have to be deliberate, you wanna start with what we call plausible deniability. You're sitting close and your legs just happen to be brushing up together. Your hands just kind of touch her leg while they're resting. She says something funny and you hold her hand for a moment while laughing together. Start small and see how she reacts. If you are getting more deliberate touches like sitting together with a hand on her leg with your thumb going back and forth, it never hurts to drop a, "is this okay?" to make sure you're not crossing any boundaries. But really while you're doing these things it is extremely important to read her. If she looks uncomfortable, you know it's your sign to stop. If she appears to be enjoying it, you keep going and keep doing that. But the key is confidence and consent, while maintaining respectful boundaries. Confidence being that you trust in your own game and you're not afraid to play it, consent being the reading that she's enjoying your game and wants you to continue with it, whether that consent is verbal or her clearly enjoying what you're doing, and trust that as an adult, she will tell you if she is uncomfortable. It is important to note, when doing these things, you will occasionally cross a boundary. When, not if, when you do cross a boundary with someone, apologize immediately and do not cross or push that boundary, and for the love of god do not go on about how you're some terrible awful person. An "Ope, my bad. Won't happen again," is perfect and then immediately tone down. It is okay, it is not the end of the world, you are not an irredeemable piece of shit. You just respect that boundary and move on. A good rule of thumb to have is to think about what you'd like someone to do for you, how you would like them to treat you, how you would like them to flirt with you, and then do that.

When flirting with men, I tend to prefer to take the more feminine role (or defensive role if you prefer.) Think about everything you just read. That is what I want a guy to do for me. Much of it still applies here. I still work to insert myself into his group or conversation. After that I'm looking for his confidence and his ability to flirt with me, and at that point it's my job to respond or react to his flirting. Unfortunately my experience with men is... lacking, though I have been accused of flirting with men when I am simply trying to strike up conversation. My preference in men has me wanting to find myself on that more defensive role where rather than calling, I am responding. I make myself open and available to have threads pulled, for conversation to be found, but most of the men who have taken those chances tend to lack the confidence, and masculine bravado that I generally look for in a man. And if they do have it, they are twice my age trying to nice coin me, (more on that later.) If a man is pulling at those conversational threads, and you find yourself interested in him, be open and available to it, let him pull, respond, let him learn about you. See how the vibes go, where the conversation leads. If you find yourself uncomfortable, or no longer wanting to talk to him, look for your off ramp. Once again touch is always a good indicator that you are responding well. But in this case it's gonna be much more quick. Arm touch when they say something funny is always my goto. But really, my technique is to always make sure I'm open and available. And when you take this more defensive approach, do not be afraid to set boundaries. If they cross one, set one. If they're good, they will not be weird about it. If they aren't, cut it off IMMEDIATELY. If they are weird about a simple boundary, they will be weird about a big boundary. NEVER let someone pressure you into removing your boundaries, regardless of how big or small it is.

The biggest thing to remember is that this is not transactional. You are not flirting to get something. We can hope that something happens, but if nothing happens, we have to be okay with that. I flirt because it's fun and for the love of the game. I flirt because I want to tell someone that they're cute, they're fun, they're cool, they're desirable, they're loved, and that they deserve to be treated in a way that shows that. People are not gachapon machines, you cannot put nice coins into them until they spit out the thing you want. And people, specifically women, know when you are doing this. I can always tell when I'm being nice coined. And I will specifically never give that person anything they want.

Overall, I always start with plausible deniability and kinda operate in that realm, and then base how far I go vs how they respond. I picture it like this. Theres a pool of water and we're both on opposite sides. I dip my toe in, I see how far they go in response. And so I start pushing, getting a little bit more in that pool, and then see how far they go in response. And it's just that back and forth until I find the point that is "too far" for them, or exactly how far they wish to go, and then I just stay in that realm. And if it gets to the point where we both want to get all the way in that water, you have to be willing to take that chance to see if they get all the way in with you, as scary as it is, and if you're not willing to be the one to do it, you are going to have to wait until they do so getting all the way in can be your response. It's testing the waters, push and pull, call and response, action and reaction. And to be honest it's less something that I've learned and more just the way I naturally operate.