One of the ways transmisogyny manifests is in default-uncharitable interpretations of ambiguous meaning.
Last week I was at a meetup where I was the only transfem. I checked the groupchat when I arrived and there was a message from the organiser: "We have a newcomer called X, can you look out for him if you get there first?" I located X, introduced myself, sent a message to the chat say, "I have located X," and continued to talk to him until the organiser arrived. When the organiser arrived, she was not happy with me. It turned out my phone had autocorrected, "I have located X," to, "I had located X," which the organiser interpreted as me passive aggressively telling her that I had already done the thing she was asking about. Her conclusion: I was unreasonable and aggressive in responding to her reasonable request. My explaining what had happened didn't convince her otherwise.
A different occasion last week: in a local trans groupchat, a trans man sent a link to a drag event happening in our town. A few people said they were already going, some said they might go. Then a trans woman replied saying, "Thanks, but I don't really like drag." Her tone was immediately called into question. Her words were assumed to communicate: "I think you are a terrible person if you like drag," even though she never said that. Several non-transfems who had never even heard that drag might not be universally-beloved by everyone were upset to discover that fact. A trans woman simply saying she didn't like this thing became A Big Deal.
Meanwhile, at a different event again, a trans man told a group that he was straight and attracted to women, but he wouldn't feel comfortable bringing home an "AMAB woman" (yes he actually said that). It was quickly brushed over, and after he had left even trans women tried to defend him by saying "he probably didnt realise people would be offended" etc etc. In contrast to the examples above, he is not even aware that anyone was upset by what he said, never mind worrying about what consequences he might face.
Whenever I go to an event, I often spend the next 24-48 hours ruminating over every single thing I said to check if I did anything at any time that could even vaguely be construed as annoying to anyone. I have often put this behaviour down to severe anxiety, but I think I am realising that it is actually a rational response to a world where even the slightest social misstep could be blown way out of proportion and result in my later social exclusion. It's one of those things that existed long before I was aware of my own transness but while I was nonetheless transmisogynised by society, a crippling fear of the slightest imperfection that I assumed everyone else felt too but apparently they don't. I guess when other people go out of their way to smoothe over the damage your words or actions might cause, you don't need to stress about that damage because there are no consequences to it! It sounds very nice to be able to live like that.
tangentwithtanner
ellievsbear
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