*** THIS IS NO LONGER ACCURATE ***
[EDIT: I’m on the juice!]
ABOUT ME:
How do I word this… I’m someone who doesn’t exist.
I’m a disabled trans woman. I cannot physically transition. It’s not that I don’t want to or that I’m scared of leaving ‘boy mode’ or anything that is usually why people stay closeted. I would sell my soul in a heartbeat to be able to take the girl juice without instantly going into a full nuclear meltdown physically (I’ve tried multiple times).
Now, I’m not fully sure I really want to write this, I don’t feel qualified even if it is my story and only I can tell it. I question whether this will suffice as anything other than an exemplary form of a pity party or a ‘woe is me’ dissertation. That’s not my goal with this and it’s not my intention. And before I end up too deep into this, I want to make it clear that I am not a troll or a grifter, it would be far too easy to write this all off as some farce to gain sympathy or attention. I do not want to vilify anyone or act as a self righteous martyr or whatever bullshit the world loves most. This is only a documentation of what my reality is for me.
As stated, I am disabled. I wasn’t born with it and I know others have far more debilitating illnesses than I do, that said my body functions through a narrow range and it does not tolerate anything different. I am not capable of hormones, surgery, or even simple things like pierced ears. I’ve been in this limbo for a decade now and each year that passes feels like another shovel full of dirt being added.
If you are a trans person or just someone who has ever truly felt the cold cruel grip of dysphoria, then you know how utterly soul crushing it is to have your brain scream for one thing while the world around you says something completely different. You know what it’s like to not only see something in the mirror that isn’t you but to also be tormented by it never going away.
I am in that circle of hell.
If the solution was so simple as asking people to treat me a certain way, dress a certain way, move through the world a certain way, that would bring me comfort and peace. That is not what I am talking about and I believe whoever’s currently reading this knows that. There is a certain aspect that gets discussed every now and then from those who have or are in transition, the peace of knowing that you are finally being you. That sense of knowing that despite everything you are taking the parts of you that you don’t agree with and are changing them to be how and what you are. To see reality shift from the nightmare to the dream.
I don’t believe that I will ever know that peace.
The trans community is a beautiful godsend that needs to not only exist but to thrive and flourish. However, I don’t feel I belong. It’s not a place I feel I’m welcome. There is so much that I resonate with when I read about other’s experiences or the way they feel about things, how we yearn for the same aspects of ourselves, but ultimately I feel exiled and rejected. When I look at all the wonderful people online fighting for and living their lives… I don’t see anyone like me. I don’t see that person who is perpetually stuck. It wouldn’t be hard to call me someone playing pretend and I can’t say that at times I agree with that sentiment. I struggle to imagine a place where I wouldn’t just be placated and tolerated for a while but then eventually be left to fall to the wayside.
I am an anomaly that barely gets any recognition and I get it, it’s easier to encourage those that are only held back by fear, to empower and uplift those who can take the steps and see how beautiful acceptance and camaraderie can be when they break through their shackles…
I have failed to keep this from devolving into a rant about isolation and bitterness and for that I apologize. Nobody likes to hear from the one who wallows in their misery and takes no accountability for their own happiness. I have not shown that I have more to myself than just that.
Either way this is where I’m at, this is who I am, this is what defines me as a person woman more than anything else.
This blog/account/whatever is less of a social media thing than it is a ledger. It’s a documentation for the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of some who is… suffering. I won’t lie about that.
I guess in order to salvage this, I’ll leave this with one last thought: Do whatever you need to do to be who you want to be. Take every opportunity, every open door at your disposal, find your people and make your life your own. Because there is nothing more important than being who you are and having a world that loves you for being in it.
- trashfiresrus (aka Jane)
