Gender Dysphoria World

....how I was sexually assaulted by someone years ago, and nobody did anything. I’m older now and looking back, I’m like....WOW, no outrage from “friends” that were told about it. A greasy long-haired Greek guy named Johnny tried to open my belt buckle and put his hands down my pants while I was passed out from drinking too much at an Easter party. A person who I thought was my “friend” lived with this guy in a 1 room cottage in Kittery, ME. I thought things would be OK there, because my “friend” told his older roommate that I was straight. But oh no, as someone was vulnerable in his domain, he pounced. He was a predator. He was an older gay guy, who had more than likely done this before. I’m not so naive anymore to assume that this was the first time he tried to molest somebody. What a scumbag!

Anyway, all the stuff that’s been on the news lately brought back memories of that time. I slapped the shit out of that fucker for trying that on me. But what really disturbs me looking back on it...is how my “friends” just swept it under the rug. “No big deal”. A dude tries to grab you down there while you’re sleeping and it was “no big deal”. I mean, those “friends” literally laughed about it. It became almost a running joke, for years after. Really and truly disturbing. 

So now I realize how it can happen that way, how gross things can happen and people will just turn a blind eye and deaf ear. Maybe it’s because they don’t want to be involved or embarrassed, or “inconveniences” them and their preconceived ideas of who someone is. Maybe it’s because they don’t want to believe the guy is a scumbag and predator? Maybe it’s just classic DENIAL? Maybe it’s because they fucking stupid and don’t listen to people properly? Who knows. But whatever reasons those people came up with for letting that guy off the hook, they aren’t good enough for me, and they can ALL fuck right off. 

Luckily, I don’t associate with any of those dumbass motherfuckers anymore. Those are the kinds of people you get RAPED and MOLESTED around. Those are the kinds of “friends” that can get you HURT. Fucking retards. 

...and I’m sorry not because of the page itself being gone....I am so sorry because of all the people who depended on me for support, all those who wrote, all those who asked questions or needed help or understanding or support. 

I’m sorry, and it hurts. I was sick, hurting and fairly depressed. I was sad, scared and just...ill. 

All there is to do is try. I suppose I am still suffering because of the denial of my being born this way...thinking and feeling I am the opposite gender. Denial, believing I can “beat” my “condition”, thinking it will go away somehow, etc. It doesn’t. It doesn’t go away. YOU never really “go away”. It’s always there. I’m always there...

...is to be your true self and LIVE. All the fear is total bullshit. Non-supportive family and environment is bullshit. You gotta do it yourself. You just gotta....BE. This is what I gotta do. I have change or else I’m going to die. I will always be sick this way. I will always be sick if I don’t transition and allow my mind to be at peace, and at one with my body. 

I hope when I die, they test my brain for CTE. Maybe all the abuse I have endured throughout my life will be shown through the levels of tau buildup in my mind. I am sad, crying and feeling shitty today. I’m not really sure if it’s because I am living my life improperly as a male, or if I am sick in some other way. I’m not really sure of the reasons for feeling this way, I just know that I feel it. 

I have no idea where to go or what to do, and I can’t take care of myself 100% this way anymore. My head kind of hurts and my muscles fasciculate and twitch from the “Generalized Anxiety Disorder” I was diagnosed with. It isn’t fun.

Chances are, I’m not going to make it in this world. This is a liars world, and I just never fit in anywhere. Without a loving, caring, supportive family, I’m doomed. There really is nothing here for me. Yet I keep waking up.

The first animal you see determines your personality....

I saw butterfly before anything else. 

You are flexible.

...I deleted it in a fit of shitty gender dysphoria. That blog must have been 5 years old, and I met so many wonderful and understanding people, and I thoroughly regret deleting it. But there’s nothing i can do now. 

I guess it’s time to start all over again. Definitely used to that in this life lol. 

Things aren’t the best, but I’m still fightin’. 

I will still used #TRAPD as my hashtag for my more personal posts, even though “trappedinthewrongbody” isn’t necessarily the correct term for how I feel. It’s just a good line, that’s all really...