#trapd

...and I’m sorry not because of the page itself being gone....I am so sorry because of all the people who depended on me for support, all those who wrote, all those who asked questions or needed help or understanding or support. 

I’m sorry, and it hurts. I was sick, hurting and fairly depressed. I was sad, scared and just...ill. 

All there is to do is try. I suppose I am still suffering because of the denial of my being born this way...thinking and feeling I am the opposite gender. Denial, believing I can “beat” my “condition”, thinking it will go away somehow, etc. It doesn’t. It doesn’t go away. YOU never really “go away”. It’s always there. I’m always there...

...is to be your true self and LIVE. All the fear is total bullshit. Non-supportive family and environment is bullshit. You gotta do it yourself. You just gotta....BE. This is what I gotta do. I have change or else I’m going to die. I will always be sick this way. I will always be sick if I don’t transition and allow my mind to be at peace, and at one with my body. 

I hope when I die, they test my brain for CTE. Maybe all the abuse I have endured throughout my life will be shown through the levels of tau buildup in my mind. I am sad, crying and feeling shitty today. I’m not really sure if it’s because I am living my life improperly as a male, or if I am sick in some other way. I’m not really sure of the reasons for feeling this way, I just know that I feel it. 

I have no idea where to go or what to do, and I can’t take care of myself 100% this way anymore. My head kind of hurts and my muscles fasciculate and twitch from the “Generalized Anxiety Disorder” I was diagnosed with. It isn’t fun.

Chances are, I’m not going to make it in this world. This is a liars world, and I just never fit in anywhere. Without a loving, caring, supportive family, I’m doomed. There really is nothing here for me. Yet I keep waking up.

The first animal you see determines your personality....

I saw butterfly before anything else. 

You are flexible.

...I deleted it in a fit of shitty gender dysphoria. That blog must have been 5 years old, and I met so many wonderful and understanding people, and I thoroughly regret deleting it. But there’s nothing i can do now. 

I guess it’s time to start all over again. Definitely used to that in this life lol. 

Things aren’t the best, but I’m still fightin’. 

I will still used #TRAPD as my hashtag for my more personal posts, even though “trappedinthewrongbody” isn’t necessarily the correct term for how I feel. It’s just a good line, that’s all really...