Adventure is out there

wow.... its shockingly scary how much i dont want to be here anymore....

i havent posted or logged into here in forever but idk where else to release this. i havent been okay in over a month almost 2 months now. For the longest time it felt like everything in my life was going fine. I was in a happy relationship with my girlfriend, i was on T and had already started to see changes in my voice and face, and i was on my way to getting Top Surgery! It just finally had felt like everything had fallen into place and my life was looking up. Well that all stopped as soon as it happened. First I lost my Insurance because my mom retired from her job earlier than expected meaning that now I couldnt get my T shots at my doctors anymore and now I couldnt get Top Surgery. I had finally started to move forward in my transition and to being happy and it just halted in a blink of an eye. Because of switching insurances, i am now on my dads insurance, i have to go through the entire process again with the new doctors and start all over. Well because i’m broke, and literally have no time for everything because of anxiety and depression and work schedule i havent been to my new doctor to start back up on T, so now i’ve been off T for almost a month now. I have heard the change in my voice where its starting to revert back little by little and its literally causing me so much dysphoria that i get into these deep depression and all i do is stare at the ceiling or sleep. i wont eat, get up, look at my phone or anything. i just lay there helpless because i literally cant get myself to do anything else. i have mental breakdowns multiple times a week and i pray that never have one at work. Speaking of work, i still work at a shitty job that only pays $11 an hour and i get shit hours. Also because of said job I cant go out to Nevada with my family after Halloween to help move my older brother out there. So i’m also depressed about losing my brother and only seeing him a few times a year now since the drive is well over 8hrs one way. I get to stay home alone while everyone else is saying goodbye and seeing each other for the last time until christmas or possibly later. and finally the last thing thats just the cherry ontop of all of this i am now single. Yeah that happy relationship i mentioned earlier, yeah thats no longer a thing. I’ll be honest, i didnt want it to happen and she knows that. Do i regret it? of course not! Do i miss her? of course i do! literally every day! Do i still love her? yes very much so and i always will. From Losing insurance and losing both my Top Surgery and my Hormones to not being able to see my brother one last time in Nevada to losing the love of my life, my mental state is in shambles rn. Idk what to do with myself. i constantly feel alone, anxious, and depressed. i walk on egg shells around anyone and everyone. I dont tell anyone anything thats going on in fear of burdening them or getting judged. im not okay, im unhappy, im sad all the time. i hate it. i had finally reached a point in my life where i was so happy and was actually loving my life and where i was at and now im at point where i hate it. i hate my life, i hate myself and i hate everything. im just not happy anymore........

i've never been 100% sure about not being completely okay, but right now i've never been more sure about not being okay.....

i'm just gonna shut down for the night....

i just want to experience so much and live my life with the love of my life ❤️