transition station

Last time I went for a check-up I asked for Finasteride to counter hairloss. I have my family's rapidly, and severely, receding hairline - it's quite visible, and I feel conflicted about going bald and just having this round, naked noggin, without even a beard to balance things out. I didn't start taking it yet, haven't even bought the pills, since life is extremely trying and stressful atm, and one of the possible side-effects is acute suicidality. It's probably best to be in a less stressful place when I do start, and to have someone around to keep an eye on me, just in case.

Physical changes seem to be stuck in this weird space of moving back and forth between male- and female-pattern fat distribution, which keeps me in touch with why I need to do this, since base body shape is one of the key factors of my physical dysphoria. Everything else, apart from the hairloss, seems unchanging.

I don't know whether things are stabilising at this point, or maybe slowing down/being delayed by the shift to a new form of T, but I should probably be much more patient than I am. It's only been about 19 months, and I was told initial changes occur over the first 3-5 years on T - of course changes will continue to occur, but those are more like what would be axpected for any maturing/aging adult. I don't know. They have very little data on transitioning hormonally at this stage, since I started in my late fifties, and already well past menopause. This country is also tiny, medically insular, and I have no idea how to locate data on this from other countries, if it even exists.

I cut my hair short since the way the longer top was underlining the receding hairline started freaking me out a bit. It looks better this way, but still seems to be both thinning out and receding in front. There is no sign of a beard coming in, apart from tiny golden hairs on my upper lip (less than what most women my age here have naturally), and the occasional soft, whispy hair on my neck. Losing the hair on my head makes me feel very naked.

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Thoughts lately (past 3-4 months): the hormonal transition is important in terms of letting me feel real and able to be present in the world. I get some reactions to my voice changes, primarily from people who have known me for a number of years already. Haven't really settled on a way to respond, since I'm not making any effort to "come out" to anyone. The first year I mostly just referred to my allergies, when people asked if I had a cold.

I'm not coming out to anyone, because I'm not changing my gender or presentation, it's just my body that changes on T. I'm still agender no matter how I look or sound physically. Not looking forward to being read as cis male/genderqueer male/transwoman (which seems more and more likely to happen as hormonal transition progresses), since people perceived as "men" are more liable to be met with overt aggression in public here.

I'm not sure how to work on countering the lifelong feelings of alienation and social exclusion as an agender person at this point. The transition seems more likely to complicate than aid any attempts at healing through connection with others, or trying to establish different, more positive social experiences in regards to inclusion and belonging. Apart from the fact that most queer groups here are on Facebook, and connect, announce meet-ups and events there, etc (I am not on FB and refuse to deal with Meta platforms), the few times I've run into a trans group it's been very much binary trans people wanting to pass as a new gender. I am an agender trans person, who's pretty much given up on passing as such, since it simply does not exist as a gender-class, culturally. The way this trans-gender struggle impacts me makes any attempt at fitting in or passing completely redundant. The vast majority of people, have no clue what you're talking about if you "claim" to not have a gender, or even to not be either male or female, whether that be trans or cis. I'm putting "claim" in quotes here, because the possibility of it being a simple statement of fact is broadly rejected by almost everyone.

Binary trans people get enough cultural representation here to exist as a thing in the general public consciousness - most often in the clunky sense of understanding trans people as born-in-the-wrong-body, but at least as people that exist as part of the population. Whether it should be allowed is still something a surprising number of people feel completely comfortable discussing publicly, including groups of politicians in and out of office, and a significant number of organised anti-trans gay cis men. It's ridiculous and upsetting and extremely tiring tbh... I don't expect to live long enough for the concept of agender people to enter the general awareness of the local population on even this level of understanding.

Next deposit injection in a week.

It feels strange that I will be doing this for the rest of my life. Also the restrictions this puts on my ability to travel internationally or ever again settle, even temporarily, in another country. This specific medical treatment has such a unique set of challenges attached.

They were happy with my levels at the checkup, saying they expected them to rise slowly over the next 4-6 months, where injections will be 12 weeks apart; but I’ve felt no effect on the second injection, I’m exhausted all the time, I no longer experience erections, my body-hair, and sparse facial hair, has turned soft and downy, fat deposits are migrating back to face, thighs, lower belly… It doesn’t feel good.

So far the only changes reliably chugging along have been the deepening of my voice, and a steadily receding hairline. I’m considering trying out a low dose finasteride treatment to slow down the hair-loss. The thought of ending up as a bald, lumpy figure of ambiguous gender, because my body just didn’t respond properly to the T, is pretty upsetting right now.

This may change over time, I suppose, but right now that is the best sort of image I can conjure from what is going on.

Ironically I have been sporting a cigarettes-and-whiskey voice from february to june or july for years now, due to allergies. It’s just gained a deeper resonance on T, and I guess people pick up on it subconsciously — at least it coincides with children starting to ask what gender I am, despite me looking pretty much exactly the same as always. I haven’t changed my wardrobe. I don’t think I’m doing anything differently from before.

It's a little weird and alienating to transition medically as an agender person. I can find some people online going through a physiologically similar process, but all of the people I've come across (looking for post-menopausal people doing hrt) are transitioning to be trans men, physically and socially.

Social transition isn't available (and if it was, wouldn't be necessary) as an agender person. I'l be agender regardless of how I look, and there is no way to culturally present as such. I'm well aware that the only thing being changed is my body (which is doing wonders to alleviate my physical discomfort, dysphoria, and self-alienation), and my own relationship with it.

Once the changes become sufficiently visible, they'll influence how my surroundings interact with me as well--how people decide to categorise and classify me. But it'll just be a slightly different flavour of the same thing that I'm used to now, since nobody is going to view me as agender, and social dysphoria will remain a constant.

btw i feel you about being impatient. it took me a while to get to 'cis male' T levels and it was a drag sometimes.

just wanted to wish you well 💞

Thanks for the well wishes <3

I know that in a couple of years time I won't remember most of these things, so making a side blog to jot things down in when I feel like it, seemed worthwhile. Not that I've done much introspective writing on the gender thing, and I suppose most things got processed ahead of time seeing as how long it took me to get here. But just noting down when various changes occur has been helpful as a kind of timeline to check back on. If you feel like it, you can always jot down the things that stayed with you from the process whenever. And the process of transitioning doesn't really end, the social/cultural aspects keep evolving and impacting you throughout life.

I can tell, from talking to younger trans friends, that the primary positive impact of hrt is usually personal--in how it improves our connection with our authentic self, lets us feel real and at home in our bodies. It eases the sense of internal alienation, but not the external one. We stay trans, with or without the hrt.

Hormonal transitioning is kind of a gamble anyway, and one year is not enough to see what outcome I'll get, I'm just impatient!--both by nature and in this instant specifically. The people I meet who are doing or have done this all did so in their twenties, and that's a whole different body to work with, so I don't have much relevant comparison around to curb or guide my impatience.