Searching for the light
Haruka was so tired of it all. The routine, satisfying but not emotionally fulfilling after living alone for so long; the constant flow of people, self-centered and always in a hurry as only city dwellers can be; and, above all, she was tired of bureaucracy, of endless rules and regulations limiting every aspect of her life in which to grow as a person. She usually wasn't one to complain. Haruka was used to working hard and knew it was the only way to achieve any worthy goal, but she was tired to have things be substantially harder for her than for everybody else just because she was different.
Sometimes different was a good thing. It meant she got to pass exams with the minnimum revising or winning a competition after only practicing that sport for a few months. It meant having the ability for creative thinking that allowed her to solve diffiult problems efficiently by thinking outside of the box and, for that, she had always been thankful. Some other times, however, being herself was the wrong kind of different. Not in that there was something inherently wrong with her being gender fluid or feeling attracted to women, but wrong in the sense that even though it made her proud, it still definitely made life a lot harder.
It was the wrong kind of different not acording to her, of course. Haruka was happy with her core values and pleased with who she had grown into over the years, but according to⦠well to almost everyone else, really. You see, in Japan, being different is something you should avoid and, if it can't be helped, at least be done in your own time and in the privacy of your home. Gender societal norms were still way too retrograde and rigid and at thirty, it had begun to chafe at her like a tight shoe. She was single and wanted a baby. She also wanted a wife someday but her biological clock ticked and, while she was financially stable to raise a child, she lacked the time to wait for the perfect partner to appear so being a single mother by choice made perfect sense to her. Why did everybody else had to make such a fuss about it?
Her father was silent for the longest time, which was always a bad omen and then said "whatever makes you happy" in that tone that meant he was absolutely against it. He didn't make eye-contact with her again for the rest of the lunch and then sought any excuse to avoid being alone with her for weeks so, even talking about it had costed her the weekly father-daughter lunches she had enjoyed so much. One less thing to look forward to in her already lackluster life, she thought dismally.
Setsuna had said the exact same words but her smile and the warmth in her tone let Haruka know that she meant it. It buoyed her heart; made her happy⦠at least momentarily. Every time Haruka tried to talk to Setsuna about her plans and the procedures ahead, her best friend would be too busy, replying to her texts after barely glancing them over and often misinterpreting things as a consecuence. And when they got together for cofee and cake the fashion designer got instantly bored the second Haruka started talking about her dream. Setsuna's blank face betrayed the fact her mind was somewhere else, probably wondering what color palette to use for the designs she was currently working on, if the fact that she proceeded to go on about them the second Haruka paused for breath was anything to go by.
Haruka's mother was thrilled at the idea of being a grandma. She said she'd support her every step of the way and then proceeded to try and micromanage her life in a way that pushed her buttons since childhood. A few arguments ensued, but Haruka kept her on the loop because she was "mom". And she was the one person who understood her wish best, for she had dreamed of a big family as a young girl but had a dozen miscarriages before finally managing to give birth to Haruka, her only child. And yet, when push came to shove and Haruka finally started taking steps in the right direction to get a fertility treatment, her mother wrinkled her nose in utter disgust and contempt at the description of the techy details the procedure entailed. It was something her mother did often. Claim to support her and then, when it mattered the most, she'd wrinkle her nose and break her heart, making her feel even more rejected than if she'd just declared her disagreement from the very beginnining.
Her favorite aunt had always been her greatest ally, which ultimately earned her that title, but it was still always painful to interarct with. Her father's sister, being much younger, was the most open minded in the family. She had been the first one to join her side and defend her sexual orientation in front of the rest of the family members⦠while still tying to set her up on dates with ellegible bachelors and buying her make-up. It felt like a backstab but she did support her in her own way or, rather, she was the most supportive of the clan and, thus Haruka clung to that litle morsel of approval for sanity. Being quite clannish herself, she needed a support network to thrive and this endeavour was so paramount and emotionally taxing it was all the more important to have one. The worst part of these failed attempts at building confidence and intimacy was it left her feeling alone and forsaken rather then enthusiastic about finally being able to pursue her newly acquired dream.
And then, there was Michiru. The ex-wife was barely worth mentioning in this context. Their marriage had lasted for almost three years and taken place abroad to avoid the Japanese law ban on same-sex marriages. In the beginning, everything was wonderful and the two of them seemed to get along perfectly. They had taken cruises and given concerts as a piano/violin duo, travelled to many countries to try the local cuisine and enjoyed touring the many onsen hidden in the Japanese mountain. Then they settled in a small house in front of the sea, located in a private beach near a forest area and Haruka found herself doing the majority of the housechores singlehanded. Grocery shopping, laundry, dishes, garbage, money management and any other imaginable task that adult life required Michiru was too high and migthy to be bothered with. She'd come up with excuses such as being busy and then lock herself in the music room to play the violin for hours on end until Haruka called her for dinner or bedtime. This went on day after day, even during those periods where there was no tour in sight and she was taking time off the phillarmonic.
Haruka understood the need for daily practice but twelve hours a day had started to sound like an excuse to her. Didn't her fingrers bled in spite of the many years of practice? Then there was the painting⦠If Michiru wasn't playing the violin, she'd be locked away in her studio, trying her hand at pastels or sketching or even working on a monstrous twenty foot long oil painting for an exihition that didn't extist when you googled it. Oh, and also, there were the long walks along the beach in search of inspiration for either her musical or artistical pursuits. The result was that Haruka ended up doing everything herself and by herself, for Michiru didn't even show up for most meals somedays, choosing to nibble on snacks inside her artistic havens. Chores started to pile up and so did bills until Haruka picked up Michiru's share as well to keep their order and finances from imploding. In theory, they lived together but it soon she started to feel more and more alone until one day Haruka realized that she lived alone⦠with a thirty year old human as her charge but alone, since none of the pleasure nor the responsibilities could be shared.
Michiru had claimed she didn't have the time to mind the house and Haruka had bought the excuse for a while but then it dawned on her that she was just every bit as passionate about her hobbies as Michiru was and she did manage to both play the piano and work on tweaking her bikes, even racing while still keeping the house afloat on her own. That's when it broke⦠her heart, their relationship, the marriage⦠maybe all of them. The second Haruka realized the neglect was an excuse to use her as a parent while indulging in a childish hedonistic marathon it was over. What followed was only the natural consequence of that realization. She was furious at Michiru for leaving her alone with everything they had fought so hard to build. How could she be so dead-set against getting her hands dirty and leave her to pay the price for the neglect?
In short, Michiru had been the best partner as long as their life plan included fun and/or Haruka taking care of all the hard stuff, but she soon proved to be uninterested in anything remotely requiring hard work on her part (unless it involved music) or demanding that she put anyone but herself first. And still, Haruka did try to hold on to the agonizing relaionship for a little while, if only to avoid divorce, something her christian upbringing frowned upon. But one day Michiru took things too far with an absolute deal breaker.
The cherry on top? Fully aware of Haruka's dream of becoming "Haruka Papa" once again, Mirhiru wouldn't be bothered with children and claimed babies were unnecessarily bothersome. When Haruka expressed her desire, all she got was "didn't you satisfy your maternal urges playing house with Hotaru already?" It had been said in such a tone, with such coldness, it was clear the words were meant to hurt. Haruka left the room without uttering a single word and tried sholudering the entirety of their responsabilities herself for a while but it soon became obvious it was unsustainable in the long run. It not only exhausted her physically but also left her feeling neglected, used and unloved as a wife and as a person. Soon, it was impossible for Haruka to find pleasure in life and even the things she loved seemed lackluster if there was no one there to share the little victories with.
In the end, Michiru turned to be a huge spoiled brat and a massive disappointment. The failure of their marriage still weighted heavily in her heart and in her conscience, but Haruka knew in her pragmatic logical mind that there was no point in keeping that charade of a marriage going only to avoid a divorce when the only one benefitting from it was Michiru while she was left with only heartache.
However, Haruka being one of the most stubborn human beings ever born, she was determined to fulfull her dream. She wanted to become "Haruka Papa" and "Haruka Papa" she would become, even if it meant using her own body for it, or pursuing adoption or any other options available out there she might not have been aware of at the time. After all, this was her new life mission and, like the search for the three talismans⦠would be carried out whatever the cost.
