It's been awhile since I've written anything here, and even though about erasing this blog. Me and Ushayo are still definitely much together, but I feel so helpless, and so useless to him at times, I feel as though I will never be able to do much for him.
But now I am at an 'all time loss' and I don't know what to do completely. After all the fighting and struggling to be together, we have to part again so suddenly for x amount of time (hopefully not even a full year, but any time apart after a little over a year together is so hard..) due to personal reasons and I am trying to see a silver lining.
We will come back even closer, even more stable, even more in love... more connected?? It still doesn't seem like it justifies having to lose him. Him having to go back to his home where he 'is not allowed to be trans' - where he is disregarded as anything but his birth figure, chromosomes, -- it's ALL about face value there, all about the looks and when I see and hear the hurt in his eyes and voice, my heart breaks all over again.
To have to hide who you are and have no way to push out... I just pray and hope that we are able to both save up enough apart to come back together as soon as possible, to where he doesn't have to be in such a toxic environment.
He's been through so much while he was here, so much that has hurt him inside, to hear she, her, lady, woman, -- constantly. He should feel no shame for who he is. They may not all have known, but the words still hurt. I can only imagine the pain..?Ā I am so lost and scared myself on how to help- I fear losing him to the pain and hardness of the world. He is tough and strong himself, but the world is deadly. I have so much faith in him. So so much, but I still fear.
