Ora

I'm sort of dreading this doctor's appointment I've got on thursday bc she's gonna ask for upates on how I've been doing and I don't know how to put it into words, I've been trying not to think about it, but I've still been having trouble doing basic things to care for myself. Taking a shower is an ordeal, I don't brush my teeth as often as I should, but I'm surviving ain't I? I wake up, I go to work, I get home, and I make it through the day. It's not ideal but there's so much worry in trying to upset what little balance I've got in order to try and make it better and it's mortifying to have to do something and go back to her and say "Nothing feels different" bc I feel like I'M doing something wrong like the more things we try the closer we are to coming to the conclusion that it's my fault, that I truly am ontologically and fundamentally what is wrong with me.

On top of that I have to try within the span of an appointment where I'm speaking with a woman who knows infinitely more about probably everything than I do where I feel like an idiot for even having problems in the first place, much less struggling to put them to words, and I have to tell her that I might be trans but it feels like there are so many more important things going on around me that I shouldn't really try to do anything about that. Like is it really worth it trying to make changes based on that knowledge? Can I afford it, will my insurance even let me do it? If I get found out at work will I still have a job? How do I provide for my spouse and my pets if I lose my job over this? Is it really so important that I should risk all of that for my own comfort? Everyone is suffering so much more than I am, and ultimately I don't think I really fit anywhere to begin with so it's not like I feel like I'll find some kind of community bc I feel like somehow I don't DESERVE to be able to just take on that identity at this stage of my life.

Idk it feels like an impossible subject to bring up and I'm legitimately dreading it more each day the closer it gets to my appointment and I am just trying to keep myself busy with something I enjoy so I don't have to think about what the fuck I'm supposed to do or say at this appointment or how to do or say it. I have to go alone bc it's pretty much right after I get off work which means I don't have a chance to go pick up my spouse who could help me talk about the shit I have a hard time figuring out how to vocalise. It's just how I've always been. It's hard to talk about whatever is going on when it matters but easy to talk about to people whose only ability to help is to offer advice. I just don't know how to phrase anything or how to describe what anything feels like and it feels like nothing I'm thinking or feeling or going through is that important anyway. Like it's not worth wasting somebody else's time with this shit when I could just keep going like I have been. It's not like it's going anywhere and it's not like I'm going anywhere. I don't feel like I'm in danger of killing myself or something like that, when shit gets really bad I tend to just wish something else would kill me bc I can't do it myself, and nothing really seems to do that so I just keep going until it passes or gets worse or gets better and it doesn't feel good, but the constant nature of feeling is easier to handle than the possibility that trying to fix it will tip the scales into a territory I can't handle.

I'm handling it now, I'm still here, I'm still going. I wake up, I go to work, I go home, I do stuff I like to do, and I go to sleep. What if trying to fix it puts me in a place where I can't handle it? What if it gets to a point where I can't just rely on the fact that I'll still be here if nothing changes? It's scary to do and it's hard to move past bc it makes me feel like an idiot for even trying to figure out how to parse the way I feel at any given moment. Like it's probably better to just shrug it off. Let it wash over me, sigh, and do my best to not worry about it. I feel like I'm just giving other people more shit to worry about when they have to help me figure out what the fuck I'm feeling, like I should know that myself and I don't, I just feel it. I don't know what the fuck it is, knowing doesn't change how it feels, it's just how things have always been. I've been thinking about transness a lot lately, which I know is a pretty telling sign, usually people who aren't trans don't spend this much time thinking about it, trying to figure it out, but I feel like there's just so many reasons to ignore that, not worry about it, not go through the effort bc it's not worth it and I'm not worth it and I'm never gonna fit anywhere anyway, I'm not gonna be able to see myself the way I want to, I don't care what other people see when they see me. If they see a man or a woman or neither or both, I don't care. What matters is how I feel when I see myself, when I think of myself, and I don't think I'll ever make it to a point where it feels right, where I feel like I am what I want to be. I don't care about passing, I care about looking at myself and feeling right and I don't know that I'll ever get that so what's the point of trying it? Go through the grief and effort and take all these risks in the world we live in now just to... Still not feel right?

Idk. Even outside of how I feel about myself when I see myself, I feel like I don't deserve to count myself among these people who have been fighting for this for such a long time, for me to just jump into their space feels like an intrusion, like I'm not supposed to be here and I'm inconveniencing or even doing a disservice to trans people by even considering doing anything with these thoughts and feelings. Idk, even writing this doesn't really do much. I don't know how to phrase this when I have other things I'd rather be doing but as I'm winding down for bed the dread about confronting not just my identity but also my health catches up with me once I stop doing things I like. I ache, I'm sore, I'm heavy, I cope, I shrug it off like I always have. I drink water, I exhale steam, and I keep going. I creak and I rattle and I crack and crumble but I keep going. I wake up and it feels like something is just gonna break off of me like I'm covered in rust, but if I just keep going nothing will happen.