- ̗̀ always love me. ̖́-

              when her parents would tell the story of their first meeting to an excited five year old rose, they’d make it a keynote to emphasize the word FIREWORKS.    soon their relationship would lead to a messy divorce but she hadn’t completely forgotten the term they used to detail their sudden connection.    she would describe the feeling of looking into luca’s eyes as he handed her back the papers as FIREWORKS too.  her heart wanting to completely jump out of her chest,   her stomach turning     &     fluttering.  rose had practiced what she planned to say when she would inevitably run into him today. while she was more prepared to answer WHY ARE YOU PACING BACK AND FORTH OUTSIDE OF THE MUSIC ROOM,   the generalized answer she had ready worked for anything.         “      my class was canceled which, yay, but i have absolutely no social life so i planned on just roaming around campus to, you know, procrastinate rather than doing any real work.      ”      a lie, sure, but nothing too serious      &      procrastination is relatable.   by now her cheeks are most likely a shade of beet red by the way her lips had pressed themselves into a smile, unable to shake the beam the longer they stood their talking.      “      although i would certainly love to accompany you to the nearest coffee shop before i get fined for loitering, if you don’t mind.      ”

spotify.

           rose could point out a million things wrong with herself before she could find even one negative thing about isla.   it was disgusting, she thought, that some people could just bleed perfection   &   get away with it.        “      of course !  there’s no one else i’d rather spend the day with.      ”      &    in a way it was true.    there’s a thin line between love     &     hate.     between admiration     &     detest.    much like those creeps who break into celebrity homes because they idolize them so much they want to hurt them ?      isla was the celebrity,    rose the creep.  she could understand their need to rid the world of such perfection.   but as she wears a grin from ear-to-ear, leaning in to hug the blonde, it’s not evident of the role she plays.       “      right, so i have a bottle of moscoto rose, courtesy of my fake,   oreos and vanilla bean ice cream.      ”        she’s rummaging through the grocery bag hanging on her arm as she speaks, pulling each product out as she describes them.     “      i know that vanilla bean is like SUPER PLAIN but it was either that or strawberry ice cream and i just hate the bits of strawberry that they keep in the ice cream, it grosses me out. oh and  - and   i heard that vanilla bean ice cream is better with moscoto rose anyway, so.      ”       it was then that she finally took a breath, as if her self esteem solely relied on whether or not  isla approved of the groceries she brought over.      “      i kept the receipt in case we need to make an exchange.      ”

          at this point  rose realized she has two options.  CRY,  fueling the whole victim mentality she began to love  or  respond in a very genuine ROSE way.     she leans forward, placing her chin on top of the palm of her hands.   “      the more you talk the more i’m just not over how cool you are.      ”     her timbre remains soft,   almost a whisper for fear that if someone else overheard her sardonic words it would damage the innocent shield she wears.      “     i mean, funneling a four loko with a,        ”      she pauses, for dramatic effect.   something she probably picked up on from talking with lana.       “      with a smoothie straw ?   not just a regular straw ?      ”    her lips move into an O position, as if to be truly amazed.     “      wow.    you are living the life every 13 year old boy just dreams of living.      ”      this anger is silent.   her anger usually is.   it’s aggression hidden behind smiles      &      a saccharine tone.      “      does your ENTIRE personality mimic eric cartman from south park or am i getting like a special trey parker ( mini episode ) right now ?      ”

    as for the app: i don’t know. probably someone super good at tech stuff.      ”

              kindness didn’t work for everyone. clearly.    still, this could work.   this could work wonderfully for rose.  men love a damsel in distress     &     if she had to give up her pride to feign being  -- what was it ?  bullied  ?  -- then she will.   for love.       “      scary.      ”      she offers, a nod following as if attempting to validate the girl she was now sitting in front of.   like a mother who’d just seen her child in their third grade halloween costume.   “      very scary.      ”        giving up her pride was definitely easier said than done, especially with the biting anger that warned to SPEW OUT after receiving said threats.   a grin that forms over her lips and a reminder of her end goal helps her swallow the condescending words begging to crawl out.      “      i’m not really a huge fan of bacardi,  i’m more of a cognac girl.   probably because of my french roots.      ”      the nonexistent french roots that she somehow convinced herself she truly had.        “      cognac, france.   a mere five hour drive from the city of love.   have you ever been to france ?      ”

                    ( @lucascmuels )             how long had she been standing next to the music room ?     she isn’t certain.    it could have been ten minutes or closer to an hour;  her mind tended to drift off, often getting lost in her own  world of  ( make believe ) .    there’s dents in her fingers as she clutches a binder close to her chest, each      &      every sound coming from inside the room managed to break her from previous distractions.    patient.   attentive.   as she waits for silence on the opposite side of the door.      &      finally, there came silence     ;     not like before where the silence would soon follow by another instrument being played.   this time it was obvious he’d concluded practice.    she watched as the doorknob began to turn      &      as soon as luca appeared out from the room, she took a few steps forward and crashed right into him.        “      oh my goodness !      ”    she says, allowing her binder to drop from her hand, the papers she’d intentionally loosely placed inside falling on to the ground in front of them.     “      luca, i am so sorry, seriously i’m the biggest klutz ever.   this is so embarrassing.      ”     she kneels down, beginning to pick up the papers before them  but slowly.         “      i don’t think i have any other character trait besides CLUMSY.     ”

          if it were possible to soak up someone’s energy, like a sponge immersed in water, rose would have done that by now with lana.  like a fucking dementor, she would have completely consumed her.   someone so sure of themselves, certain of who they want to be    &    -  from what rose can see   -  happy.  her chin is propped on balled fists, watching the girl babble    &    play out like she were on a stage.    WATCHING     how she positions herself,  if she talks with her hands, focusing on how she breathes, even skipping a breath to make sure their breathing matches.    INHALE   when lana does, EXHALE  when lana does.   because maybe, somehow, if she can be lana she could also be happy.   although none of this studying is made obvious, on the outside she was just a random freshman actively listening.     “      wait, hold on, someone was getting a blow job ?     like in front of everyone  ?      ”       her face crinkles not so much in disgust as it was disbelief.    “      and people saw your tits  ?   was it an actual party or a secret orgy ?      ”     she lets out a laugh, indicating her joke as she shrugs - a shrug similar to the way lana shrugged previously.     “      i mean, you have an   ( amazing body )   if i were you i’d be showing my tits off at every party too.  every second, actually.   like a free the boobs march kind of thing.      ”

     “      i mean, i could settle for being hit by a bike if you think that’s any easier.      ”     she allowed   LITTLE CONTEMPLATION    before deciding on that, although not certain which one would have been worse.       “      if you consider the art of stage and lighting design fun then, yeah, it was practically disney world.      ”      the jest falls out of grinning lips, a hand pushing a strand of hair behind her ear as she carefully teeters on her next question.      “      did you go to the party ?             ”         inconspicuous;    eyes feign being distracted by the book in front of her as she flips through the pages.

                MAKE FRIENDS, ROSE.     the words of her therapist rings true in her head   &   for the first time since their sessions began she decided to actually take the woman’s advice.      “      okay, i think i have officially reached nerd status.      ”      a huff exits from her throat, hands free their grip from a large book, allowing it to thump on the table in front of her.       “      i literally stayed in all night and studied. like, i studied.  i missed the party because i studied.      ”     her timbre went into a whimper at the end, a pout playing on lips as she finally lowered herself into a chair.      “      promise me if you see me wearing glasses with tape in the middle and rocking   (  steve urkel suspenders  )    you will hit me with a car.      ”       what a way to begin a conversation.       “      seriously, if i survive the impact, i won’t even sue. in fact i’ll probably thank you.      ”

( @fvkisla )             her hands aches from holding paint brushes, her wrist stings from the constant strokes,    &    the smell of set colorant takes at least an hour to get rid of after she’s done building sets ;    all so   (   girls like isla  )   can perform on them.   talented,   pretty   &   graceful.    envious green eyes sit in the audience or hang out back stage    &    cheer or move sets.     all for girls like isla.    nevertheless, for now her resentment subsides, a smile taking over her previous harsh features,  realizing stewing in such detest is likely not a good idea when you’re standing right outside of said girls dorm room.   “      isla !      ”     her voice syrupy, sing-songy, a contrast from the prior hatred that sprinted through her mind as she uses a fist to knock on the door.     “      open up,  i come bearing gifts !      ”

              it took her a few seconds to gather what remix she was referring to but a smile slid across her lips as soon as she did.    “      oh, yeah !    hide yo kids, hide yo wife.      ”       the rest is lost on rose as she sits up completely, no longer slouching over her phone.      “      you know, if there’s anything i’ve learned from scary movies it’s that the best time to attack is when no one’s taking it seriously.    i mean in every scary movie there’s    (    that one character    )    who has like no suspicions. they’re all like okay, whatever, it’s just some stupid prank and then they die.      ”   her voice shifted into a deeper tone when she began mimicking the character.      “      but i’m just talking.  it’s scary but i doubt any of us will meet that same fate.      ”

                   there’s a feeling of superiority rose tends to feel when she’s around her drunk peers.   people kneeling over toilets, or passed out on the floor; as she walked over them she felt almost powerful.    &    she was soaking up that feeling of power right before a cup was pushed towards her.   eyebrows furrow for a moment, completely caught off guard - through no fault of his, of course.  fingers wrap around the cup handed to her by the only person she could admit she knows.   he may have talked a    (   mile a minute   )    but her mind worked the same way, so it wasn’t hard to catch up.    &    the compliment ?    as quickly as it may have been said it lingered in her mind.   stuck like gum on the bottom of stilettos.         “       thank you so much, beau.      ”    her eyes lit up, looking down at the outfit she chose for the party with a grin peeling across lips.  she’ll keep a note of it.       “      i’m with no one, i don’t really know anyone.      ”   she answers finally, pushing a strand of dark hair behind her ear as she offers a shrug.      “      i’m going to sound pathetic but i don’t have many friends here yet but i know you  -  i know you because you paint, right ?   like michaelangelo except alive.      ”         it was unintentionally dark, jesus,    &   so early in the conversation.       “      well i kind of paint too !    i’m not nearly as good as you, i’m sure but i do scenic design so i basically only have to paint in between the lines yet SOMEHOW still manage to get it all over myself.      ”