Adventures, Tea, Pinky Promises.

After dealing with two losses in our families, I don’t know how I continued standing while my boyfriend was out to sea. My father, his aunt, and he knew nothing.

But then, about a week and a half later, a ray of sunshine came around. While I was still with family up north, we finally got to visit my grandmother. My one and only grandmother.

(My fathers dad passed away when he was a kid, and my Fathers mom passed away while he was a young adult in the navy. I wasn’t an idea even then, so I never knew that set of grandparents. Only my mothers parents.)

An uncle and his wife, along with my siblings, I and my mom went to visit and it was a beautiful day. Apparently, Nanny had ordered pizza for Everyone and bought cupcakes lol

But she didn’t eat anything while we were visiting. Even after we left and my uncle and aunt stayed behind to visit linger, they said she still wouldn’t eat.

Two days later, my mom got a call at about 530/6am saying my grandmother was escorted by ambulance to a hospital, for a serious pain in her head.

We rushed there, knowing exactly where the hospital was because I was born there.. and they gave us the bad news we never wanted to hear.

She had an aneurysm in the back of her brain, that had started leaking. She was still with us and talking but in a lot of pain, said she’s never felt so much pain for a headache before. We said to relax and then the doctor told us they needed to take her to a hospital that was further away, via life star, so they could help her there.

We asked nanny if her head had been hurting her for longer than the hospital knew, and she said It has hurt even when we were all Visiting, so she wasn't hungry. She thought the headache would go away, but it didn't.....

We rushed back up to where my mom lives-which was pretty close to where my grandmother was being taken- and met up there at the hospital once they had her in a room.

She had a lot of IVs, and they were trying to keep her warm. The doctor came in and explained what was going on, and then explained the two types of procedures they could use to solve such an issue. However, due to my grandmothers age, only one procedure would be the right one for her-and even then her chances were slim.

As everyone was walking around frantically making phone calls to family, I decided to stay with her, but she was getting sleepy on and off.

After talking about the lack of heat in the room, she asked me Where everyone went. I said everyone is making phone calls right now about you. You’re famous! She said oh well I don’t see what the big deal is… and then giggled.

I said well, remember when the doctor talked to you about the problem? And she says yes. I replied, well…. they’re afraid that if they do the surgery, you won’t wake up.

She said, “well, if I don’t wake up, then I don’t wake up.”

I was taken back by this remark because she had somehow placed an amount of strength out there for me to see that I hadn’t seen in anyone else for quite some time…

all this time I was trying to be the strong one, wouldn’t cry, stood tall when everything and everyone else was crashing down and suddenly it felt like she was trying to match my strength.

See, I didn’t know this until that moment but she would do what I have done for as long as I could remember. In a crisis, she stays focused and listens to the issue, finds a solution. Stays strong while everyone else is falling apart and tried to get things done. Emotions come later. I ad done this for so long for my family throughout the years that it shook me to my Core hearing and seeing her do the same.

What also didn’t help the situation, was that we had been planning for months, for her and I to take another trip To Disney world. That’s right. Another.

Let me explain. My grandmother has been going there since before Epcot was even open. She was there THE DAY Epcot was opened. It was her own personal tradition to go as often as she could with who never would go with her.

Even as she got older and needed to rely on a walker and sometimes a wheelchair to get around, it was an easy trade to walk around and push her around and see her happy. It was never about the free tickets or her nearly always paying our food bill before I could.. it was never about how much stuff she’d buy or if she’d give me Money for anything. It was the time spent with her.

It was often a more one on one time with her That I sometimes only ever had when we’d go to Disney, or if she could buy my school clothes when I was a kid because my Parents couldn’t afford it, or the times she’d be thee for us when my Parents would fight.. even the happier times when I was growing up and her and I would have sleep overs… she’s the one who introduced me to Michael Jackson, and she’d let me watch my favorite Disney movie, the little mermaid, a thousand times growing up. Even if she’d catch my cry at the ending she wouldn’t say anything or tell anyone she’d just ask what I’d like to eat for whatever meal of The day it was. I’m nearly positive she was behind most times that we almost either had no food or had no Christmas…. she would stand out in the rain and jump in puddles with me. She was one of the first of best friends I ever had.

But after shock of this surgery talk faded away I became scared and cried, tried to hide it from her but I think she noticed. Suddenly she was changing the conversation to why there was no heat and that her jewelry will need to be cleaned because of the blood dripping from the ivs.

She had to be scared… even I just a little.. the thought of not being able to wake up…right?

In fact a couple days later as they were deciding on surgery(at this point they had to put Nanny to sleep so the bleeding would slow, among other things) my mom said she was scared the morning the doctors put her to sleep.. but she was trying to hide it by telling jokes. Kind of like Poppy. (Her husband, whom we called Poppy, had passed away last year due to Alzheimer’s and old age) He was a retired us navy captain, and had the wit, brains and humor to go along with it.

First the neurosurgeon said it wouldn’t be a good idea to put her through the surgery, because he thought her chances were slim. But then a day and a half later after he talked with other neurosurgeons, they said she had a better chance than most, and that if what she said to me was true, then she’d want them to at least try to help her…. even if she doesn’t wake up.

So they went ahead with the surgery. She made it through surgery, but couldn’t wake up.

We waited days hoping she’d open her eyes, and as we did go to see her every day, it seemed like she was at least responding to us talking about her going to Disney again. But she couldn’t get her eyes to open. She was just such a tiny little 87 year old lady… she was so fragile but made it through birthing seven/8 kids right up until now after surgery. But she couldn’t wake up.

And like my father, she would never want to stay on life support.

after days and days of seemingly getting better and then lasping into serious fevers and swelling, my mothers family (and us four kids) decided to take her off the machine and say good bye.

The machine wasn’t doing nearly as much work as one had, for my Father. She was strong and kept going for hours after, until her breathing started to slow down and she drifted away as well.

What’s more, this day was the birthday of one of my sisters.

Now, three losses in about a months time is a lot for anyone. My head is still spinning from it all. I wasn’t even close to an end of the grieving process for my dad, then my boyfriends aunt passed away, and now My grandmother…?

While dealing with the Va hospital and being there when my Father passed away, at the same time, in Alabama, my boyfriends aunt and family was going through a hard time. **********

He was underway and had no idea about any of these things by the way, until he came home. We couldn’t tell him via the Red Cross. We needed him to be home for all this info. **********

As I was saying, his aunt, who was like another mom to him and his siblings, was dealing with the news of cancer.

She passed away suddenly.

The three times I got to meet her and be around her was more than enough for me to see and understand how much she meant to the family. She left an impression on me I will never forget.

I haven’t been in here in some time.

Okay that was a lie. I have been on and off, just randomly scrolling.

I haven’t had much to say because so much has happened to me, my family, and my boyfriend and his family that I don’t even know where to begin.

I guess I’ll start with my dad.

He was sick. Not the kind of sick like a cold, the kind of sick that takes place after serving the us navy back in the 80s, being in numerous wars and seeing so many horrible things, only to come home and find out that if you want to stay in, they can’t pay you above what you had previously earned… they can’t pay you what you’re worth, what you have painstakingly earned.. what you deserve. So you split ways when your time is up. Honorable discharge.

But you’re so angry with everything that has happened during that served time, you want nothing to do with the military. You won’t even get the help you need because you’re so full of blinding pride, depression, PTSD, anger.. forget bringing up the VA.

And yet you’re thankful, somehow, at the same time, for Making it back alive. To be with your family, four awesome kids and a wife. You teach your kids about music, about fishing, learning how to build bird houses and shelves, you teach them a sense of humor and how to laugh whole heartedly. You teach them how to spell. You’re doing okay.

But those negative thoughts and feelings sit buried beneath the surface, waiting for something bad to happen so you can explode and think it will feel justified when you take your anger out on your wife or kids.. they may have misbehaved, but that’s a sliver of why you’re angry. They understand you are over reacting, but don’t understand why, they’re too young. Your wife urges you to get help and you won’t. Can’t.

You tried once, but ran out the door when those horrible memories and feelings would come Back. You’d do anything to run away from those feelings and your oldest daughter and wife can only understand so much, and well, there’s only so much you can say… or are allowed to say.

You start drinking on top of the cigs you’ve had your whole life. The drinking numbs the pain and memories, but it’s only temporary. You lash out when anyone tries to suggest you getting help. Your family doesn’t know what to do to make you see things need to change for the better. You slowly become an alcoholic.

Your oldest daughter is now 16, the kids that follow are 14, 13, and 12. You’ve lost your very good job and can’t pay rent, never mind bills and school clothes or supplies, even food. It’s been going on long enough that you and your family Get evicted. They move to upstate New York and you say you’ll follow behind, but you don’t. You instead tell your wife, whom has withstood everything until now, who is five hours away, that you want a divorce.

Complete and utter heart break ensues. They try to move on, but you still can’t.

They eventually end up moving back home, learning how to make ends meet.

You show up with your now ex wife, to your oldest daughters graduation, but even as the ceremony finishes in the pouring rain, she can’t find either of you anywhere. She doesn’t even know where you parked. She runs around in the pouring rain for almost half an hour looking, as numerous friends offer her a ride home. She finally finds your van. Soaking wet and hating the both of you for leaving her and her graduating ceremony like that. Who the fuck cares that it’s pouring down rain out? She’s the first in your family To graduate from high school and she knows this is the first and only Highlight to her day. She’s afraid to be too happy about her day, because she’s bracing herself for when everything goes back to the way it was, once she’s home.

One day, you decide To force your oldest to listen to you tell her she will Never amount to anything-even though she now not only goes to college full time, works part time, and (still, somehow) manages to pay for things you were supposed to be responsible for, as her parent.

She has enough of your yelling, the threats about being kicked out of the house, and tells you she’s not afraid of you. You stand back in shock and then take your anger out on the next, your only son. He won’t say anything because he knows you’re drunk like you have been a thousand times before. Your two youngest daughters are crying because they’re scared but that doesn’t phase you. You continue yelling at every single person in your family in that moment until your oldest daughter stands up and tells you to get out. Adrenaline rushed, red faced and tears in their eyes they watch your face turn a a shade of red they’d never seen, before watching you walk out, slamming the door behind you as if to make a statement- like you’ve done a hundred times before. But you know things have changed. They’re stronger now. You stay away for a few days.

Since when did your Oldest learn to have more strength and nerve than you? Especially in that moment? To be able to say loud and clear that they have all had enough and that you no longer have power over anyone anymore? To stand up and say you have no control over what they can and can’t say or do? Since when did she learn to stand up like that? And to me?

Six years go by, as she continues helping your ex wife pay for everything they and the younger kids need because the most your child care payments cover is rent-sometimes and you don’t “have” to pay her child support now that she’s 18+. She couldn’t afford college on her own because you decided to stop Being the parent you were supposed to be. So she only got through one year of college.

You’re still drinking, but eventually towards the end of seven years you not Only lose another awesome paying job, but somehow in the mean time managed to drop your pride and try to make up for things. Your family is confused by your efforts, and your oldest still barely talks to you about anything other than the weather, but at least she’s talking to you.

Word comes around at the end of the eighth year, that now you are very sick, not just an alcoholic but all those years of drinking and smoking have now caught up To you. You try to get help but leave when it comes to the harder things to think about. You try to get help again but leave for the same reasons.

You try again when a doctor finally says that you can’t have the near-life saving surgeries you need until you’re clean and sober. So you start to make arrangements. But you can only do so much on your own. You can hardly Make your own meals anymore.

You’re on speaking terms with your oldest. She moved away to Florida with her boyfriend, and she now calls you at least once a week. You cry the first time she calls, then again a few calls later, and the last call she got to make to you. The last call was her telling you that her boyfriend was going to Propose some day soon, and before he does he needs to talk to you in person and ask for her hand in marriage.

You cry and say that since they live far away and he is also navy, the young man could just call and ask you over the phone. You start to cry because you never thought your daughter would care enough about you to mention such a thing, and you’re remembering when she once said she never wanted you at her wedding. You cry and yet start to laugh because you’re happy things have come so far so well.

You finally go again to get help a week later, this time kicking and screaming because you fear it’s the end. You tell a few people at that time, that your deceased father visited you in a dream And said you won’t make it much longer.

But you’re kicking and screaming, fighting to get better before time runs out so you can see your family again, so you can see your friends and your beloved pet again.

Your heart can’t take it.

A few days go by as you seem to get stable and better, but your heart gives out again.

You’ve already had about four or More heart attacks in your life time, do you really need another? You panic but you’re conscious for when your family comes to see you. You don’t believe your daughter just flew from Florida to see you. You can’t say this, but she knows it by the way you’re crying.

The team of doctors who have been monitoring you, says they’d need to give you a pace maker. You only have about 20% of usage in your heart. You’re in and out of it, due to the pain killers you are on, but you somehow muster the strength to not only see one of your sisters after years of Not being able To, and one of your nieces, and you decide with a full conscious and clear enough voice to get the pace maker.

You never wanted a machine to keep you alive. However this is one that you won’t even know is there unless it goes off to jump your heart. You can live with that

Because it allows you to live.

Two days go by and your laughing and joking with family and actually writing things down for them to read.

But the next day, your hear gives out again. This time, it took “them” nearly 7 minutes to get you back and once they had gotten your blood pressure stable, cardiac arrest happened a second time right then and there.

By the time the family could make it to the hospital that evening, you look like a rag doll. No more than maybe 100 lbs, You can’t open your eyes, you can’t move, and you’re body now relies 100% on the machine, keeping it alive. The doctors say your heart isn’t even beating, it’s hardly quivering.

The doctors and family know this isn’t what you wanted.

The family makes one of the hardest decisions they’ve ever had to make.

They all go in one by one to talk to you, telling you about something currently Going on, maybe mentioning they won’t be able to see you again, but you don’t know what’s going on. You can’t respond.

You dont move as they eventually take out the trachea tubes and take your ivs off.. your family knows you’d never be able to come back from this double blow to the heart….