I've got a ways to go.

As we skype I trace the cursor over the borders of your face where my fingertips should be. I swipe accross the edges of your shoulders, and circle the calming blue of your eyes that I long to gaze into. Stress and exhaustion wear on my body and my favourite place to recharge is in your arms. With your chest hair prickling my back and your snores warming my neck, safe in our tangle. Long distance. I sit alone in my cold kitchen at a table where I lit candles and put make up on for a skype date because I haven't spoken to you for more than 10 minutes in the last two weeks and I'm forgetting what your love feels like. I cry at a cold screen while you watch me fall apart. 6 more weeks.

Dispatch: "Are you available for a 9E?" Partner: "Always" Arrive with flutters in my stomach but staying cool as a cucumber because I know that you need your brain to run codes and not your adrenal glands. Come around the truck to get bags and equipment, I turn to follow my partner to the house but she's out of sight. There's tracks in the dew on the lawn around the side of the house, and I can hear the oxygen cylinder key clanging against the tank. Follow the sound. There's no people in my line of sight, and I wonder for a brief moment if it's safe, but proceed anyways. Go inside, follow noise into the basement, where my partner is in the doorway of a bedroom, and I can see bystander CPR in progress. Initial glance? Patient is too far gone. Partner: "You guys did great, I'll take over. Thank you." She touches his chest and states that he's still warm so we'll work it. She starts compressions, which means I'm the only set of free hands. I attach the pads, pull out a BVM, open the IV kit and it's not properly stocked so I'm improvising. Fire department arrives, and they take over compressions. Blood begins to pour out of the patient's mouth. Partner begins to suction, but there's so much blood that she doesn't make any progress. We note that his jaw is locked in trismus- he's way too far gone but if you start the code you have to run it for 20 minutes so as another crew and police and firefighters watch and contribute where they can we flood a dead man with medicine and pound his chest, blood pooling into the beige carpet beneath him. You can smell the iron. Finally call the time of death. And all I can think is I need juice. I'm so sugar shot and drained and the flutters are settling I need juice. Do I want this image in my head? Absolutely not. Am I worried about how it might change me? Definitely. But I get to bring people back sometimes. I get to deliver babies. I get to play 20's music for people who's memories have returned to that decade. I am privileged to serve.

No more talking about your broken past to the one person who's wanted to and is able to fix it. He deserves better. Give him better.

“There is a lot of things you won’t understand. Things that will go right over your head. So you’re going to have to stand up and work harder so they can’t get past you.”

We sneak into the lifeguard tower, and sit with our legs dangling over the edge, listening to the ocean. You kiss my neck, we make out. You ask me if you can feel my body, I gladly say yes because I've wanted that all evening. We get frantic and have sex, and afterwards I ask if I can kiss you. You're confused by the question but I'm used to being used.

1. I hate that you find the most achingly beautiful quotes in the books that you read and recite them to me with passion and desire for a life full of adventure. 2. I hate that you use the same brand of chapstick as me because now when I put it on I can only think of your lips. 3. I hate that riding with you has been the most breathtaking moments of my summer and now, no matter how I'm trying, I can't top it because I felt so free and so candidly myself on that highway.Or that I never want to travel to that town again because a future trip could never compete with our perfect date. 4. I hate that you wear Converse All Star Chuck Taylors because they've been "my sneaker" for half my life, and now they're locked into distinction as your riding sneakers. 5.I hate that your interest in me was always written on your face and in your actions, that I could see you liked me shining through your piercing eyes, or the desire to kiss me playing across your lips. How strange it is to experience honesty like the truths that seep from your every movement and word. 6.I hate that you help people without a moment's hesitation. That your heart is full of compassion, and that I witnessed you carry a person in need to find her help. That I ache for people with your heart. 7.I hate that you love the music that I love, that you'd sing out of tune along with whatever I was trying. That you encouraged me to play and learn more songs because you genuinely just wanted to hear me sing. 8.I hate that you love your job. That you're passionate about your work and skilled in your field. Your fire. 9. I hate that you love to travel. To be lost and learn about the world. To learn about people, and connect with locals and travellers alike, because you love the human race. That you have told me that you never really get angry, and that I can believe you because you've never shown an ounce of irritation or annoyance. 10. That I have never met anyone like you, and that I have never hated anyone less.