#dearoldlove

- Dear old love

To that one boy I loved most in my entire lifetime, I wish you well. Always. Even if time had brought me farther from you, history cannot be undone. I knew what I did wrong and I will always be sorry. I know it’s foolish to remember such a date where I used to greet you a happy friendship day. But to me, this is a memory I will always be grateful for. For without you, I wouldn’t be who I am right now. You were everything I ever wanted, dear. But if fate tells me I shouldn’t, I won’t. Be safe. I wish you all the happiness life can offer. God bless you, dear.

The statistical frequency of me dreaming of you is currently increasing and I don’t know why. I can barely even remember you yet my subconscious can create a perfect projection of you in my dream state. We were in your house talking about random things and time passes by so quickly. It was nightime already and I have to go. Your mom called me to remind me of the time and said we have to go somewhere else. You looked at me as if I’m the right and only person for you. And it felt like nothing else mattered as long as I’m with you. The places were realistic. We’re in a bus stop waiting for a ride while your mom kept on telling random jokes and stories from past days I weren’t with you. It felt funny. She told me what I missed yet she still gave me a warm welcome upon my return to your family. We were happy. We all were. And by that time, I can still recall that my phone line is still disconnected but I have my prepaid sim to get my by. I think about how I will smile again everyday for receiving those good morning and good night texts from the special someone. At the back of my mind I knew that somehow you’re still with someone else, but you chose me. And then I woke up feeling weird again, remembering all the single details that had happened in my dream. Why do these random scenes keep on appearing in my subconscious’ mind? I am tired of the relapse. I never wanted anything more than my peace of mind. Is something the matter, dear?

Parang time jump. Habang lumalangoy ako kanina sa pool, ang daming flashback. Anim na taon na palang nakakaraan nung huli akong lumangoy dito. Yung alaala na 'yun medyo malabo. Kase nga nabura ang memorya ko sa hindi malamang kadahilanan. 'Yun yung mga panahong siguradong-sigurado ako na nagmamahal ako ng isang tao. Yung tao na kailanma'y ayoko mawala sa buhay ko, may pwesto man ako or wala sa buhay niya. Pero 'yun din naman yung araw na ipinaalam niya sa lahat na ako lang yung para sa kanya tapos siya lang yung para sa'kin. Exclusive. Hanggang sa ginawang official at binati ng lahat sa kabigla-biglang balita. Kase kami na mortal na magkaaway noon, nagkatuluyan. Tapos naputol na yung flashback. Nakalog na ata talaga yung utak ko. Sa sobrang ikot ba naman ng extreme ride sa MoA na sinubukan namin ni Mara kagabi na dinagdagan pa ng sangkatutak na dive ko ngayong gabi. Dami kong hilo. Nakakahilong tunay. Kahit nakahiga na ko, nakakahilo parin. Tara tulog. Zzzzz. -_-

I woke up multiple times a while ago in the middle of the night. There have been many different stories and I can only remember one. I was with you, and it seems everything turned out well. We’re back from the start. I can even recall what your mom told us. “Who would’ve thought you’d end up together again?” she said with a very cheerful smile. I was laughing. Again, I was portraying a role my subconscious is projecting at the back of her mind. The me in that dream state seems to be very happy. Like nothing else mattered when you’re with me. My mind was clouded by thoughts of you that I had totally forgotten who I am and what I ought to do with life. You’re still superior on my subconscious’ memory. But why is this happening? I’m tired of watching these scenes, my dear. I wanted a life where I won’t be able to bother you anymore, and hopefully, vice versa. I really can’t understand why your shadow won’t let me have my peace of mind. Confusing. I wish you well, dear.

And I woke up questioning myself why.