she is going through the unimaginable ;

Okay, then - I guess I’m ready. 

Radical, dude. Here-- [ she hands her a pair of goggles ] Prepare for war, dude. 

Please. All my mates have got so bored of it. 

I told you, I’m keeping my pants on. My pants are secure at the waist, you don’t even need to worry. 

[ he bounces up and down on his toes ] 

Animagus, is the technical term. You can’t tell anyone. Ever. I’m definitely not registered, in any capacity of the word. Highly illegal. Azkaban time definitely. 

How could they possibly get bored? This is amazing. It’s revolutionary. 

Please do. 

[ she bounces ] 

I know what it’s called, I’ve just never seen one. Of course I won’t tell, don’t be silly. This is incredible, though, dude, how long have you been one?

[ he’s laughing, eyes crinkled at the edges, a grin from ear to ear. he’s never seen someone fumble quite this much. not that he’s had much experience with showing people he’s an animagus, but still. this is one of his favorites. ] 

It’s not condescending. I do play fetch. 

[ he nods ] 

Yeah, I can turn into a dog. Takes more effort to keep the pants at this point than it does to turn into a dog. The shirt’s fine, that’s easy, but for some reason the pants are always hard. I think it’s because dogs don’t wear pants. 

[ he scratches his ear ] 

I am, aren’t I. 

Really? Dude, that’s the best. We should play fetch sometime. 

[ she keeps nodding her head like a little bobblehead ] 

That’s wild, dude. Yeah, no, please keep your pants on. I love you, and this is awesome, but I don’t wanna see your dingle dangle. It would spoil this rad as hell revelation.

[ she lets out a breath ] 

Holy shit. You’re a dog. You can turn into a dog. [ she grins widely ] This is so fucking cool, dude. How long have you been able to do that?

I wouldn’t be surprised. He seems permanently sulky, he always has done. I suppose he hasn’t got a girlfriend? Though i can’t imagine who on earth would date him. [ she waves her hand ] No one disrespects my friends – or my husband, for that matter. Marcus would have hired you, and for Severus Snape to think anyone could fool my husband over such a matter…no, we don’t think poorly of you at all, dear.

No, he definitely doesn’t. I’d feel so bad for the poor girl if he did. [ she lets out a breath and smiles gratefully at catrina ] Marcus is a brilliant man, he hired me for a reason. Apparently that’s beyond Snape’s understanding. You’ve both been so wonderful to me. Snape is just... well, an agitation. He’s not much of a team player; I’m not the first employee he’s tried to get fired. Just between the two of us, I’m a little stunned he hasn’t gotten kicked to the curb by now, he’s just so... y’know. Jerkfaced.

[ he laughs ] Good! I’ve been trying not to actually fight Snape, but I’m not so good at the threatening part yet. Glad you’re making up for it. [ he grins ] Then we’ll work great together.

I’m hardcore making up for it, dude, and I feel so much less guilty now that he’s gotten into fights with Remus and Sirius. Not cool. Just not cool at all. I might be getting him fired, actually, that’s the dream. [ she bounces ] Just the thing I like to hear. 

[ sirius barks, a little squeak noise that doesn’t quite fit the body he’s in. he pushes a cold nose against her hand. this is a reaction he hasn’t seen in - well, ever. moody had been rather, well, mad eye moody about the whole thing, and edgar had been threatening his life at the time. 

but this is cool. 

he barks again, louder this time. thinks about turning back naked just for laughs, but they did just have that conversation, didn’t they? there are only so many of these questions he can answer while sitting here at padfoot, and she’s talking so fast that all the words sort of blend together and become pleasant little tilden noises, and padfoot’s brain hums happily to them. 

he’d purr, if he were a cat. ] 

[ the words sort back into the right order, and he’s wearing clothes ] 

Not as a dog, no. Understand, yes. I see some colors, as do all dogs. When I first learned, I turned back naked. And i’ve shat on my mother’s porch. 

[ she’s bouncing. or shaking, she isn’t sure which. it feels weird to pet sirius, but this is a dog. her immediate reaction is to pet dogs, and she scratches his ears before squeaking ] 

Oh no, was that condescending? It felt condescending. You’re just such a nice dog. Oh, no-- [ she squeezes her eyes shut and opens them again when he barks at her ] Right, okay, ah, do you play fetch? Oh, tits, no, that’s-- I mean, maybe you do. I don’t know, I don’t know your life. See, this I would call an alternative lifestyle--

[ and then he’s sirius again, and she nearly shrieks. it comes out as a strangled squeaking sound instead ] 

Holy shitpants, dude. You’re a dog. You can turn into a dog. [ she listens, and stares ] 

You’re a fucking legend, what the fuck. Holy shit. [ she blinks a few more times ] Fuck.

He does. Don’t let on you know, he’ll use it against you or some shit. 

Yeah. Yeah, show you.

[ the last time he’s willingly told someone this has been awhile. edgar saw his tail, so there wasn’t really a choice with that. and he’d told moody because he was stuck in a literal dog pound and that was just the first place his mind had went. 

but this is fully willing. cards on the table kind of willing.] 

You’re not allowed to tell a soul. 

[ and just like that - pop. a dog whose head comes up to her chest, really. ] 

[ padfoot sits, head tilted to one side, looking up inquisitively ] 

He can try. He won’t succeed. 

[ she says it with enough conviction that it’s actually frightening.

she nods ]

Of course, dude, sure. 

[ her eyes go wide. painfully wide. she just stares at him, stunned, trying to process the fact that her friend had been standing there a moment ago, and now there was a dog. a large, black dog, and it’s funny and jaw-dropping at the same time.

all her pent up confusion and energy just feels like it explodes ] 

Dude, you’re a flippin’ frickin’ dog. Holy shit. Do you still speak English? Can you understand me? Do you still see in color? Are you gonna’ be naked when you transform back? Are you house trained?

Then there’s something else about me you need to know. 

[ it seems right, to tell her this. a secret for a secret, or something like that. why should it be remus’ secret that she knows, and not his own? 

the world’s made him a little bit too reckless, but he thinks about mary yelling at him, about the risks with remus he was taking. and it makes him angry again, makes him want to yell - not at her. at himself. at all of this. 

at how he knows tilden is a good person, but how easily she found out terrifies him. 

something reckless for something reckless. it doesn’t make any sense. ] 

There’s only so much more careful we can be. We brew what we can ourselves. But things happen. And we need potions. Snape - knows. So there’s only so many shops we can go to. I need to show you something. 

I know all that. I didn’t know Snape knew, but I know you do what you can.

[ she frowns at him with confusion, shaking her head slowly. she’d thought they would laugh about this. that it would be a relief that she knew, that it would make things easier, but this? this scared her. but she nods slowly ] 

Okay. Show me, then. 

Just the weird love part. 

[ he grins at her ] 

Yeah, I remember that part. 

[ his heart is beating too loudly in his chest, and for a second it’s the only thing he can hear ] 

Knowing that isn’t something any of us take lightly. There is less than a handful of people who actually do, who’ve really been told. [ he pulls at the cuticle of his thumbnail with his pointer finger ] All of it, you know. Could get him killed. Us killed, all of us. 

Groovy.

[ she grins ] 

Back in the days we didn’t realize we were both flaming homosexuals. How sweet and innocent we once were. 

[ she chews on her lower lip, and shakes her head ] 

I’d never hurt him, dude. you know that. [ she shrugs ] You think he’s the first werewolf I’ve ever met? Dude. I work in a potion shop. Where do you think people buy wolfsbane ingredients from? You know I’d never put Remus at risk, or the rest of you. But you need to be more careful, and I can help with that. It doesn’t take a genius potioneer to figure out why you’re ordering what you’re ordering. I mean c’mon, pain potions every month around the full? You could’ve at least spaced them out. I can help. I’ve been helping. You’ve got nothing to worry about from me. I’m on your side. And Remus’.

Not any dudes. James. 

[ his shoulders relax ] 

I still have them. The pictures of James. Not that I look at them. 

[ he scratches his head ] 

Why’re you bringing him Wolfsbane, Tilden?

Was that part of the prank, or just your weird love for James? I can’t remember. 

[ she smiles ] 

I don’t want to see them now, either. I’m sure he’s lovely, but no. 

[ she raises her eyebrows, pausing for a full ten seconds before she shakes her head ] 

Oh, you’re not kidding, this is a real question. Because Remus is a werewolf. Obviously. Why else would I bring you wolfsbane? Sorry, am I still supposed to be pretending that I don’t know? It’s been like a year, dude. 

[ he thinks about going for his wand. actually, really, going for his wand. just for a second. not even enough to make a move. he thinks for a bizarre moment that this must be severus, using polyjuice. ]

What did I tell you, after I came in to buy Sleakeezy’s for the prank with James? What did you want from me for it?  

[ she squints at him ]

James’ dad literally invented Sleakeezy’s, you’ve probably never had to buy it in your life. I didn’t realize I was being quizzed. Do I get a prize if I get it right? Alright, uhm... Sleakeezy’s. Was that when you talked about your porny pictures of dudes with me?

That might be a good idea, but no. He does comb it every night. 

Good enough. It’s quite lovely, dude, I should find someone to comb my hair. Oh, though, actually-- I did have something for Remus. [ she holds out a bag to him ] It’s wolfsbane. Which I also snatched from Snape; he was hogging all of it. 

His jaw clenches. “Maybe I’ll just make it easier for everyone and kill you. They’d thank me for it.”

Ooh, like mother like son. 

Perfect. [ he nods ] Take it however you will. [ his interest is piqued ] Minister-until-proven-contrary works perfectly fine. Do you know what he wanted to talk about?

I think he wanted to talk to you about his potential replacements, since he’s gonna’ step down. If I’m honest, sir, it’s a hot mess.

He smirks. “I’d expect your notice within a day,” he says smugly. “Or a bodybag to escort you out.”

Is this how you compensate for having such a tiny dick, you just are one?

Yes! Yes. [ he bends down and shakes his hair out in front of her ] 

[ she giggles, and runs her fingers through sirius’ hair ] It’s so soft. How do you keep it so soft? Does Remus comb it with his fingers every morning?