Blog of Tosh

I will do something

I told myself I would never do

Because that's how u move

And you push me

Cause it makes me feel closer to you

You don't have to say anything

I just want to admire you and everything that is you

I don't need anything

I don't want anything

Just to see you face and know your thriving

That is enough for me

Muse of musings

I won't over step any boundary

Cause for you

I will do something I said I wouldn't be

Because it brings me closer to empty

To delivery

To a part of me

I have been hiding

You are my excuse.

The Muse. Building in the bruised

Pieces of what is me without you

Me without, couldn't be true

The nights seem endless

Never been so restless

I cannot replace this

How long and far

Is a star

When your heart

Can't part

With something infinite, it's so hard

So I close my eyes and think

Of your feet touching crystal springs

With the flowers singing your name

And the sun kissing your face

As the wind wraps its wings

Around your extremities

And you feel the warm hug of God himself on you and on everything

As the gold dust climbs down to you

And your saturated in oil

As the springs flow from infinite brooks and everything good

And you feel the euphoria of life all around you

I think about you

When there's nothing else to do

I imagine you

Totally free and brand new

Free of the weight that holds us down

The fears, the truths and the "can't dos"

I see you, in everything I do.

I remember you like the land remembers each step

You mark me and I dread

Not seeing you again

I love you like a brother,

I miss you like a mother.

The pain of forever is an ache of tremors.

The waves of grief shake the moment like a wet dog shakes the water off its back.

We tear up and then come back

To the image of you resting in that

Infinite grass lawn with endless mass

And of galaxies and lilies, now you know.

And of sunshine and friendship, you still enjoy.

Every mystery is now open to you.

Every secret, decipherable.

Every question, answered.

Every problem, every doubt, solved and removed.

And I can't be upset at what's good.

Can't be upset at what you've found.

Or should I say, what's found you.

Even if it means sometimes sobbing aloud.

So I will remember you, and I know you'll remember me too.

The divide has its uses, I will learn to make due.

You are my people, and I'll always remember you.

It all feels like a lost place

In a life where everything was warm and good?

Where expensive toys cover side tables,

Desks are filled with books,

And cupboards are filled with anatomically correct Dino replicas?

Would it have been easier to see you,

In rooms with comfier comforters,

In a house with educational toys?

Kinex and Legos, children's posters on the wall?

With parents who have time to play?

To read, and dance and compliment all the time?

Who aren't rushed, angry, or busy?

Would I have looked harder for you if I haven't been marked by misuse, theft, and rejection?

If I had been loved every second,

Celebrated, nurtured and highly educated,

And I had absorbed everything like sponges in the ocean,

Would I have been more of what I wasn't?

There were spaces where loneliness occupied important moments.

Places where I lacked enough usefulness

And became a burden, over and over again.

Where I learned to be a failure,

And fall short despite the effort.

Where showing up amounted to nothing

And turning over the same question ended in confusion all over again.

Where it felt like the work couldn't be completed.

Where I felt defeated.

Where trying new things turned into negative reinforcement, pain, and being stuck yet again.

Where dreams died and where later resurrected,

Without a clear end date.

Places where I watched everyone step into he future,

While I remained suspended in the past once again.

There were expectations

That didn't get filled in

Didn't get fulfilled

Places where I waited hoping it would happen

That it would turn around and tell Mr I had passed the test

And that what I had fought for and sacrificed my time to sit and wait was finally here all along.

Would I have been better if things had even easier?

Would I have been able to focus better?

Gather info easier?

Understand deeper?

Love more?

Accomplish goals?

Be successful?

Believe more?

I am always wondering where it all went wrong.

Why it's taken so long?

And what I could have done.

Who could I have been? What would I be like?

Would I be better or similar despite

The point is to simply create.

Live to make and make to live.

The purpose of the artist is to art.

It's to make.

To explore.

To discover.

To build on what they did yesterday in their artful purpose.

And attract souls to God in the process.

The doubt is normal.

The struggle is normal.

When you want to birth something it won't be easy.

Don't give in and don't give up and keep going everyday towards your art.

Look for beautiful scenes.

But our purpose isn't to be here to work and die and make money but to fulfill the reason for our existence.

Just because we don't believe in your system

And we trust in God instead of politicians

Doesn't mean that Christians are helpless

We're stronger than all your "-isms"

Is it actually going to come

Or is it all a fake run

Just an endless stair to travel on

Are u really a solid bet

Or do you shake when the wind breaks?

Am I betting on losing gains?

Are u broken like melted lose change?

Am I a cigarette butt on a stage?

Put out and underpaid?

Are the ashes too much for you?

Did your wig come unglued?

And ur clown costume been misused?

Is everything else more real to you?

Is this just a part in a play for you?

Are waiting for curtains to close for truth?

Does the delivered paper remind you of something bruised?

Is the bouquet still in your hands adorned?

Cause I walked far and wide for you.

I moved from placeholder to make a space for your fern

I stood in the walkway and left it all in the dark

Didn't think the light dancing in the water was an art

I tore myself apart

To do my part

As the insecurities and nightmares loomed in my heart

I have since been paralyzed in fright

Because nothing else could suffice

In the middle of my broken life

I stood to receive more than time

But it was stolen and you were right

And now I'm captive in a place I don't like

And you don't understand and you don't even try

And now I'm commited to a life

That's breaking me every day and every night

And we wait for you to arrive

We wait for you to make peace to the miserable night

And we wait for the day to be pacified

By your being here this time.

And we do it all again

And you don't think much of it

And we do it all again

Until there's nothing left