Benjen Stark is 12 the first time he gets well and truly drunk.
It is Lyanna who sneaks into his rooms waking him, well after the hour of the wolf, holding three skins of wine.Â
âCome, Ben,â is what she says, and even half-asleep, Benjen knows that she is in tears.Â
He sits up, and pulls back his covers, lets her climb into bed with him. He tries to put his arm around her, but she shrugs him off, and offers him his own skin of wine instead.
âDrink with me, Ben,â she says thickly, words slurring just a little, and Benjen is left wondering how much wine sheâs already had.Â
He sips at his. Father always allowed them one cup at special feasts, and kept a watchful eye on them to ensure that they did not drink all of it. Benjen had taken just three mouthfuls of his tonightâ one when they toasted to Brandonâs betrothal, one with his meal, and one when they toasted to the surprise of the eveningâ Lyannaâs betrothal to Robert Baratheon.Â
Lyanna is not sipping herâs.Â
She is guzzling it, taking long, deep swallows, drinking, not for the taste of the sweet Summerwine, but to get drunk.
âLya,â he begins, reaching out to take her hand. He knows she is not pleased by the betrothal. Heâd seen her eyes narrow, go the same stormy gray Brandonâs did before he went off in one of his rages.Â
âDrink, Benjen,â she says sharply, using her fingers to tip the wineskin up to his mouth. âDrink, or I have no use for you.âÂ
He drinks, though slowly, and tries to hide the sting of her words. She glares at him, and he gives in with a sigh. He finishes the skin in five long swallows, and when he finally puts it down, he notices that the room has started to spin.Â
âI am to be wed,â she says, slowly, deliberately, as though testing the weight of each word on her tongue. âI am to be wed, and Iâve never had so much as a full cup of wine. I thought we ought to fix that,â she says, and drains the last of her wine skin. She barely takes a breath before unscrewing the top of the third.Â
She pauses with it half-way to her mouth before she is sobbing again.Â
âLya,â he says, again, and he hates how anguished his voice sounds. He wants so badly to be strong for her, but her tears bring his own. He sets his empty wineskin aside, and pulls her against him, and this time she goes willingly.Â
âWould that we were Targaryens,âshe says with a hiccup. âI would just marry you or Brandon, and everything would be fine.âÂ
Benjen huffs out a laugh into her hair.Â
âWhy not Ned?â He asks, and he delights in Lyannaâs snort through her tears.Â
âHeâd never approve of me being drunk,â she tells him, but sheâs laughing now, and Benjen feels the swell of pride in a job well done. Soothing Lyannaâs rages is no easy feat.Â
He laughs with her, and she takes his face in her hands and kisses him lightly on his nose.Â
âBen, I donât want to,â she tells him, gray eyes wide, boring into his.Â
âI wonât make you marry Ned,â he says, and hiccups and Lyanna laughs softly.Â
âCan you make me not marry Robert?âÂ
The laughter in Lyannaâs voice is gone. She speaks so softly, so sadly, the way she did whenever she spoke of mother. Benjen cannot bear it.
âShall I slay him in single combat?â He asks her, resting his forehead against hers. âShall I steal you away, to North of the Wall, so that we can join the wildlings?âÂ
âI could marry the King-Beyond-the-Wall,â Lyanna says with a little smile. âMy sons would be princes.âÂ
Her smile fades again, and Benjen squeezes her hand in his.Â
âFather thinks I donât wish to be wed, or to mother children because I am too wild,â she tells him. âHe doesnât understand.âÂ
âYou want children,â Ben says slowly, beginning to follow her logic. âJust not with Robert.âÂ
âI want wild Brandons, and solemn Neds, and sweet Benjens,â she tells him, solemnly.Â
âWhat, multiples of each?â Benjen says, and is pleased with she gives him a playful swat. But her smile fades again, just as quickly as it had come.Â
âI want a little Lyarra. With dark curls like Brandon, and a smile like yours.âÂ
âBut not with Robert,â he says, and the look she gives him is so pained that Benjenâs heart breaks anew.Â
âBut not with Robert,â she echoes, dully.Â
There is nothing he can say to her.Â
He heard the argument sheâd had with Father after dinner. He wouldnât be surprised if all of Wintertown heard, so loud were the shouts.Â
You are a Stark and you will act with honor, Rickard Stark had shouted at his only daughter.Â
What honor is there in selling your child away to a stranger, Lyanna had screamed right back, bold and unafraid.Â
The girl that sits in his bed now is defeated. There is no comfort that Benjen can give her.Â
He kisses her forehead, her nose, her cheeks, and then very lightly, her lips.Â
âI swear by the Old Gods,â he says, though he knows he has no such power. âAll your children will have the curls you desire. Theyâll be wild as Brandon, and as trustworthy as Ned. But they will have your smile.â
She offers him her smile then, and he gives her one in return.Â
âAnd of you? What will my children have of you?âÂ
âMy love for you,â he tells her, and she buries her face in his chest and sobs until she falls asleep.Â
Benjen Stark had been drunk many times since, but he had not thought of that night in over fifteen years.Â
Not until he comes to Winterfell at Nedâs behest to greet King Robert Baratheon, first of his name, and finds Jon well and truly drunk smiling up at him with Lyannaâs smile.Â
It hurts, gods it hurts, and worsens when he sips the Summerwine in his nephewâs cup.Â
Lyanna is an ache that never stops, that even the cold beyond the wall can only slightly dull. Sitting here, with her son, worsens the ache in his chest so painfully that Benjen thinks he may die right there. He would welcome it, if he meant going to rest beside his sister once more.Â
It strikes him that Jon is the same age as Lyanna was that fateful night. His chest constricts painfully, especially when he realizes just how far heâd had to walk to find Jon.Â
His nephew had not been given a place at the table. He says a silent apology to Lyanna. He wonders if she can hear this conversation, hear her son, all the way from the crypts.Â
Selfishly, he hopes she canât. Lyanna had suffered enough heartbreak in her short lifetime. She need not suffer more. Sheâd cry to see where they had placed her son.
Then Jon asks to join the Nightâs Watch, and Benjen can hear his sisterâs pained sobs echo in his head. He struggles not to cry.Â
Maester Luwin says bastards grow up faster than other children, Jon says, and this time Benjen cannot keep the frown off of his face.Â
You are not a bastard, he wants to tell the boy. And your mother would have hated either of us being in the Watch.Â
Jon continues to plead his case, using a Targaryen prince as his cause, and Benjen marvels at it.Â
Does he know, Lyanna? He asks his sister silently. Have you told him in a dream?Â
It is not until Jon says a bastard can have honor too, that something inside Benjen breaks.Â
There are many kinds of honor, Benjen wants to tell him. There is honor in letting a woman refuse of betrothal, he thinks bitterly. Honor in keeping a secret. Honor in telling the truth.
He thinks he might tell the boy right then and there, Nedâs secrets, and Catâs jealousies, and King Robert be damned. Lyannaâs son sits in front of him. The boy deserves to know before he signs his life away.Â
Lyanna deserves grandchildren, he thinks wildly. Her Brandons, and Neds, and Benjens. Her Lyarra.
He opens his mouth to tell Jon, but movement at the dais catches his eye, and he swallows them down. He has already let down his sister. He cannot let down the last sibling left to him.Â
He tells Jon as much, as much as he can, without giving it all away. He tries to imagine how Lyanna might say it, and calls Jon son.Â
The weight of the word is heavy on his tongue, Benjen feels aged far beyond his thirty years.Â
Iâm not your son, Jon says, and damn if the words donât cut more cruelly than any blade. Lyannaâs sobs echo in his head.Â
I am so sorry, Lya, he tells her silently. Would that he had run away with her. Would that they were Targaryens. Would that Ned had never gone to the Vale.Â
Moreâs the pity, he tells his nephew, and means it more than any of the other words that have ever left his tongue since the day Ned rode home with Lyannaâs bones.Â
When the boy runs out of the hall after shouting that heâd never dare father a bastard, Benjen ignores the looks from the men at the table and drains the entire flagon of Summerwine.Â
He picks up another, and stands, maneuvers his way through the hall as quickly as possible, pausing only to pick up a torch from one of the sconces on the wall.Â
With the torch in his left hand, and the flagon in his right, he heads straight for the only place he wants to be. The place he wanted to stay, if he were ever honest with himself.Â
He is going to get drunk with Lyanna tonight.Â