Visionary

Someone said I had lip fillers which I don't + said that I am a superficial asshole w a personality disorder and I genuinely lowkey wished for the span of a second it was true. Obviously it's meant to hurt me but something in me found an almost exhilarating fun appeal in that statement, something deep within me felt attracted to fully embodying it. It reminded me of when one of my favorite models lost it and started posting insanely mean and unhinged paragraphs on instagram and at the end of the day there's something attractive about it, this capacity to "lose it" and fully BE that superficial asshole. Just two days ago my nerves were aching to look at that one director straight in the eye and tell her my father is richer than her and I stood still. It must be an absolutely amazing day to be the superficial asshole people so firmly believe I am.

I am so excited to be able to live my life so FULLY and actually align with my purpose instead of trying to follow the "path" I was supposed to take. I am not going to continuously suppress myself in order to fit a job title in a shiny company that screams "good family kid". What if I'm meant to simply float around & live life differently.

Everything feels a little hectic, a little fuzzy, a little of everything

I'm excited to genuinely have some time for my beautiful self

This year truly feels awkward

Looking beautiful is truly a gift that I would never trade but the amount of jealousy and difficultly you encounter with women is terrible. But then I try to take a step back and think when was the last time I've seen a "genuine friendship" and maybe a few man's friendships come to my mind but between girls it always seems to me this "boyfriend aesthetic shit talking people on their back" sorts of dynamics, I've never been around two girls being friends and felt a deep bond. So maybe it has nothing to do with me and it's just that in a world of vapid friendships, when you outdo them EXACTLY where it matters the most to them which is beauty, man etc. then you're deeply resent for having more chance, more potential etc. I'm not saying I never had a real girl friendship I'm grateful for two woman in my life deeply and there's a third one I parted ways with with who we shared a genuine soul level bond but generally speaking, in any environment be it work, uniersity etc there was always some woman making my life harder for me for no other reason than blatant jealousy.