Tori Rae

In honor of 40 days & 40 nights I finally jumped & blocked him on everything. I think it was easier for me he was finally ignoring me because lets be honest we're both tired.

You know they say some people are here for a season & shouldn't be viewed as anything else. I really agree with that and unfortunately I gave the wrong 2 people my time & energy. . . more than what they actually deserved.

I'm excited to see what happens next, I think. I don't want those words to be used lightly, but at this point in time in my life I'm too grown to do the whole "situationship" shit. I need things to be black & white. No more grey areas.

The most disappointing part is my daughter LOVES this man and has a close relationship with her. I feel like I kind of let her down. I should've protected her heart more. First her dad & now her second father figure in her life, gone.

We're going on day 15 & I'm half way to 30, which means I can make it to 40. This will have to do for now. . .baby steps.

There's a lot of details I cannot get into with this man, but what I will say is he has another fucking thing coming. There's a lot of shit I do not tolerate and the number 1 is my child. I will go to war behind my child and everyone knows it.

Sometimes I feel as if my buttons are being pressed intentionally. I guess we will find out because I took it there today.

I've known him for a very long time and for the longest our interactions were strictly platonic, but, eventually the line was crossed. He recently got big news and I'm genuinely happy for him. I just wished I would've received a text vs finding out with everyone else via social media. There's been a distant between us since my last visit with him. Think it's safe to say he's not coming back. He's the one that got away in my mind. My bsf seems to think different because he was always so weird about commitment, his career always came first.

It was one of those when he was ready I was stuck on stupid (John Doe) and when I was ready to try he was working on himself. He said these things, but, deep down I knew it was because he had his reservations about Mr. John Doe. Don't tell anyone but they're "friends" and third parties have said they know about one another when it comes to me.

I get a random text from Mr. Professional:

“Hey good morning did you drink any type of tea or anything when you had covid? I’m asking for my pops he’s feeling bad again.”

Now, let’s be clear about 1 or 2 things, he knew I was sick with Covid the beginning of this year and my experience when we reconnected during spring time. He heard the story again towards the end of summer because he ended up getting Covid himself. Why on God’s green earth would he ask me of all people when we haven’t spoken in months? 

“Giving you space is killing me. Not that you care but I care. I text you like 10 times yesterday but deleted it before I pressed send. I’m respecting it but it sucks. Whatever it is, just know I LOVE YOU!” 

My therapist, made a lot of sense today with his mask analogy. He recommended me to just rip the bandaid off and have the uncomfortable conversation with Mr. JohnDoe. He was very candid with me between my ugly cries stating this is the first time he has seen ME, the true me. We’ve been working through a lot of heartache and growth for the last 5 years.

After my session was over I got in my car to finish crying.