“You’re All horrible”

Oh is it a similar number?”

Oh is it a similar number?”

am i sitting in a tin can

HOLLANDER V ROSANOV

Starting off strong: (also made this and realized I don’t explain the fic just my vague opinion on them but idk trust my judgement anyway)

where nobody knows you

This is the hollanov reveal fic. It was only finished in January and I’ve reread it about 8 times. I was rereading it before it was finished. I love Yuna and idk if my son was hiding a relationship from me for 8 years I’d fall into hysteria so I love the exploration of her reaction. I love that it’s about Yunas perspective on Shane’s relationship and not just his relationship with Ilya. It’s really beautiful ngl, I be crying.

Silver Lining (Golden Seams)

I genuinely cannot explain my obsession with this fic. It’s really great and it shows a realistic (crazy adjective to use) perspective on Shane’s view of Svetlana. Plus Svetlana clocks his shit and I live for that.

Worlds Worst Ally

Hayden Pike isn’t homophobic, just confused. Momentary angst but it’s Hayden pov so mostly just funny.

Miscommunications (Lead to Fallout)

This one was so funny. I love reading Hayden Pike reactions cause he’s kinda stupid.

I Like Jane For You

Another Hayden Pike reveal but he’s really funny and this one gave me so much secondhand embarrassment. It’s a whole series so look at that too!

Scott Hunter's Life-Changing Road Trip

This one is super cute and I highkey need more Scott Hunter + Hollanov content. But everyone was so supportive it was so cute

(omg speaking of of hunter + hollanov im looking for a fic where they slowly reveal their relationship like menaces to him and kip and drop the bomb on everyone at kingfisher—so specific I know) - update: found it Oh Captains, queer captains

Lily and Jane's Reddit Adventures

This whole series owns my soul. Ugh I love social media crack but it’s really deep too? Go read it!

Would You Believe

I have a really deep love for Scott and Shane in this, like their segment is short compared to the whole thing but it’s what made me bookmark. It’s very cutesy.

First Time WAG

The reveal actually isn’t a big part of this but I think the buildup is really funny. Also can we please give Shane and Ilya more friends to talk to.

Right Formula, Wrong Answer

More Hayden Pike reveals, more me falling out of my chair laughing.

hot mics and hotter rivalries

This fic is so good I’m 100% you’ve read it by now. I love a good crack reveal.

something you can fix

Less of a reveal and more of a forced outing, but there’s a reveal in there. I’m a really angsty girl ngl.

Maybe a Good Change?

This one is so good and such a good angsty reveal. And a fix-it! Another Hayden Pike reveal. If you guys can’t tell I really love friendship.

ways they didn't find out

It’s a series! But like a series of one-shots not a series series. Everything in it is so good, I laugh, I cry it’s beautiful. I’ve read all of these a bunch of times. My favorites: fuck the news, love and other drugs, Yuna Hollander fucks around and finds out, and Hayden and Ilya cuddle (not clickbait)

unknowingly knowing

This one technically isn’t a reveal. Just chaotic hockey player group chats with Lily and Jane. But it’s really sweet and really funny and wtf is Mitty/Connors and why do I love it?

not the same but have you seen the reddit au where they post as “lily” and “jane” and everyone is convinced they’re rival sapphic pageant queens

(one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, nine, ten, eleven, twelve)

the lily files SERIES, teen. in which various people try and figure out what's up with lily, shane's mystery boyfriend, and also hayden is a #transally for a bit.

want you the right way explicit, 3k, oneshot. omegaverse. ilya's in heat, shane helps out. beta/omega. i LOVE a non-alpha/omega fic, i won't lie. or an omega topping fic. this one is both which makes it even better

just take it explicit, 2k, oneshot. shane stims (flappy hands!!!) during sex. this was fun and cute and hot.

baby centaurs teen, 11k, oneshot. hollanov parent the rookies. very funny, very cute.

i really hope you're gonna get out soon mature, 24k, complete. a massive cloud hack reveals a lot of athlete's private messages and pictures during the soichi olympics. ilya has to run.

i know where to draw the line explicit, 10k, ongoing. in a world where ilya rozanov was born three years later and shane hollander was born three years earlier, the hotshot rookie rozanov joins the metros under captain shane hollander. i LOVE a changeup in dynamics and i definitely am itching for this specific one.

does it make me better teen, 6k, oneshot. yuna goes over to the cottage after ilya leaves for boston. they talk.

knots between pearls explicit, 6k, oneshot. you thought this was omegaverse! no. shane calls ilya 'sir' and wears a collar with his name. it drives ilya mad with how badly he wants it.

that'll leave a mark gen, 4k, oneshot. shane tries to stop fights on the ice. he's not very successful. fun character-driven snippets of hockey.

a load of lies gen, 5k, oneshot. ilya rozanov, unfortunately, has been pavlov'd into getting horny over laundry. the other centaurs are genuinely baffled as to why he keeps being so fucking weird over laundry days. a fucking banger i laughed too hard. i too believe this hc wholeheartedly btw.

there is teen, 6k, oneshot. yuna hollander's pov after shane's accident- mostly, she's concerned as to why her son keeps speaking french. it becomes clear later.

the last boston year teen, 15k, ongoing. there's a year between the cottage and moving to ottawa- this is it.

how i wish you were here explicit, 13k, complete. in summer 2016, david hollander has a heart attack and goes to the hospital- and all shane wants is ilya by his side. their relationship changes.

talk about it mature, 7k, oneshot. part of the speaking your language series (linked before!). shane grows up speaking french. between him and ilya, english is a tenuous thread, but they both know what the other person means anyway.

good on my own accord explicit, 12k, ongoing. another goalie!shane has hit the towers and we are WINNING. ilya can't fucking score against hollander, and despite what the rest of the world thinks, that makes him his rival.

the romance of somewhere where trains go mature, 2k, oneshot. shane starts learning russian. totally for his new rookie and not at all for rozanov, really.

pretty in lace explicit, 3k, oneshot. a little lingerie and feminization and subbing on a friday night for shane hollander.

lily and jane's reddit adventures SERIES. hollanov seek advice on reddit for their emotional struggle, under their aliases. this does spark a bit of an rpf craze over the two (possibly pageant queens?) lesbians having The Crazy Situationship Of All Time.

three fics by the same author here, but i simply couldn't just do one, so:

sound like him unrated, 1k, oneshot. dialogue-only fic. shane calls ilya after the fight with scott hunter. they manage to get some relationship development in there.

i just thought you might like it explicit, 10k, oneshot. ilya gets shane a necklace. they fuck. it's good.

dust bunny explicit, 37k, oneshot. a rumor that shane hollander is gay grows, and grows, and grows. ilya helps.

#ilyarozanoviscancelled SERIES, mature. if ilya rozanov would stop saying fag or being a menace on twitter, things might be a little easier for literally anyone.

let's make a team explicit, 4k, oneshot. they have a threesome with scott hunter.

play along mature, 1k, oneshot. ilya and the admirals play drunk truth or dare; he gets asked to call hollander and use a pickup line on him.

logistically efficient explicit, 4k, oneshot. shane reinvents sex positions (they're logical!) while ilya boils with rage at a idea of another hookup existing in shane's past.

☆ The most hilarious fics you'll ever read

Lily and Jane's Reddit Adventures by BetterNameToCome (SpoonDeficiency)

Teen / 35K / Completed (series)

"Me finding out that instead of mysterious and cool, people think I'm autistic and lesbian."

Ilya and Shane get Reddit's advice under the aliases Lily and Jane. Things spiral from there....

(Both of them go to reddit for advice and they somehow become famous internet lesbians)

The chips are set to fall by icopythefax

Teen / 41K / WIP

At the 2017 All Star Weekend, Ilya takes fate into his own hands to produce at least one out MLH player by the end of the season. Thus begins his part-time side hustle as community organizer, mastermind, and Commander-in-Chief of the Gay Hockey Army.

(Everything icopythefax writes is hilarious with a touch of seriousness – the magic of the crack treated seriously tag – i totally recommend Everything they write)

the secret society of stick handlers by gurlsrool

Series / 50K / One-shot (kinda)

(A series with several one shots depicting the social media reaction of a variety of scandals created by the queer hockey players – I'll recommend subscribing to the author, they have several amazing fics)

ilyuca81 (otherwise known as lucarozanov) by Anonymous

Teen / 8K / One-shot

Luca Haas tries very hard to not let anyone know about his dark (read: embarrassing) past. Unfortunately, the fans are ready to let people know for him.

Or, Luca used to run a tumblr blog for Hollanov and the internet goes wild.

(I'm in awe about how good this fic is, I have read it a couple of times already)

Best Served Hot by queerteaoop

Mature / 21K / Completed

Dunkin' Donuts puts Ilya in an ad campaign. Tim Hortons responds in kind. After years of on-ice rivalry, this might actually be the thing that causes the hottest point of contention.

(I'm neither Canadian nor American and yet this is still hilarious)

The Rose Landry Bowl by Amazinggrace0

Teen / 4K / One-shot

Or, Rose Landry tries to befriend her best friend's boyfriend. The internet thinks they are dating instead. The Rose Landry Bowl is created.

(Evebody thinks Ilya and Rose are dating, it's hilarious)

☆ Weird friendships you didn't know you needed

Bisexual! This is great! Me too! by DoubleDecker, SugMak

Teen / 10K / WIP

Old friends Eric Bennett and Brandon Wiebe realize oh yeah, that time when we were best friends at hockey camp in high school, actually maybe we were boyfriends? They've been casual friends for decades since then, but when Eric comes out publicly, Wiebe reaches out. They catch up and debrief life and hockey as bisexual men while Eric enjoys his first year of retirement and Wiebe navigates his first year as a coach.

Ilya Rozanov is just delighted to have bisexual friends. Even if they don't always know he's bisexual too. And since his love language is being a little shit, he badgers them into bisexual solidarity.

They're all bisexual and talking to each other

(Cannon bisexuals gossip with each other Featuring Coach Wiebe and Bennet)

Personal (Surprise) Chef by ellipsister

Teen / 18K / Completed

Ryan Price has contingency plans for aliens, penthouse floods and the occassional emotional breakdown (his own). Finding Ilya Rozanov in his apartment - door code proudly abused and cooking food - still comes as a greater shock.

Ilya on the other hand would summarize the evening in four efficient steps: Use Code. Cook. Couch. Cry internally (optional).

Or: Ryan and Ilya are absolute shit at friendship... and somehow they are perfectly happy anyway.

(This is a really cute fic in which we get to see ilya having FRIENDS, such a treat)

☆ Freak4Freak Hollanov

Unhinged love by Madfordinos

Mature / 25K / WIP

5 times people clocked Shane and Ilya being absolutely unhinged about each other and the 1 time it was encouraged.

(They are disgustingly in love with each other here)

Jane is Ilya's Favourite Lay by That_bitch_without_a_life

Explicit / 40K / WIP

Shane does not know what he is staring at when he reads the name of the chat and the influx of texts.

This looks like actual hell, and more importantly why on earth would Ilya ad him to the Boston WAGS chat?

TLDR: In an attempt to socialise in this new country Ilya puts 'jane' down as his WAG to connect to the team, this has unforeseen consequences for himself.

(It isn't actually the freak4freak tag but they loved each other and Shane does some crazy shit about it)

☆ AUs where somethings are different but they still fall in love

ghosts we've always known by impetuous

Explicit / 69K / Completed

Or, everything that happens when your dreams don't come true.

(Shane gets injured really early is his career and his whole live changes)

good on my own accord by impetuous

Explicit / 50K / WIP

Or, Shane is a goalie. Ilya can't score.

(Shane prefers being a goalie, basically)

influential men by lyric_ghost

Explicit / 37K / WIP

Shane Hollander, captain of the Boston Raiders, is the the undisputed best hockey player of his generation. But he's lonely. His relationships with women have never worked out, and he's afraid he knows why.

Ilya Rozanov is a charismatic, openly bisexual personal trainer and influencer. His Insta is half thirst traps, half brutal and perceptive hockey critique.

It's no surprise, really, that Shane falls for him so hard and so fast.

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY–

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

“i received the tv bill today,” my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. “does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?”

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)

my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)

my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)

me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

“don’t expose my kid to that crap.”

DON’T

EXPOSE

MY KID

TO THAT CRAP

“if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room.”

I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT

IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

are you fucking kidding

i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for

my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences

my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

are you fucking kidding