TolatecauseIamhere

So, without further ado, back to our roots:

Ah yes, the infamous canon proof disputing Mike's I think my life started that day we found you in the woods, claim during his monologue. Not only that, but in this original scene from 1x02, it turns out Mike actually intended to send her away the next day (all of which El could hear Mike saying from the open bathroom door).

Mike outright calling El a weapon, again telling the others they need her because they stand no chance at getting Will back otherwise.

I wont elaborate on this now, because there is way too much to unpack that'll honestly be more worthwhile discussing further on.

For now, this is a secret tool that will help us later.

These next couple scenes right here though, are pretty painful if I'm being completely honest. The way its shot, specifically El's very visible exhaustion, accompanied by the varying priorities of others around her, leaves me feeling pretty unsettled upon rewatches.

I obviously can't remember how I felt when I watched these scenes for the first time, but I imagine I viewed them as this huge romantic moment for Mike and El (I was tricked by heteronormativity, okay?). But, again, upon rewatching them since then, I've realized I get this sort of sad feeling by the end. You'll see what I mean.

El obviously just went through something extremely traumatic. She tried to go find Will and Barb in the void, only to find Barb dead and Will presumably alive, but then slipping through her fingers at the last second (no, literally).

We then got a moment where Joyce held El while the others sat by quietly because she clearly needed a moment of comfort given what she just endured.

Then in this scene shortly after, everyone is leaving to get ready for their final attempt at saving Will.

Now, notice how not only Lucas, but also Dustin make the effort to reach out to El to comfort her affectionately after that traumatic event, with those twos' actions specifically being showcased in sequence?

Lucas, who spent the better part of the season being critical of El, is now ending the season rubbing El's shoulder to warm her up, literally soothing her to make her feel better.

Then there's Dustin, who right after Lucas' gesture makes a gesture of his own, putting his hand on her knee reassuringly, to show her he's there and he's happy she's okay.

And lastly there's Mike, who is so kindly allowing El to rest her head on his shoulder. This placement of Mike and El here is definitely a testament to the fact that Mike has vouched for El this whole time in contrast to the others and so, understandably, she put her head on his shoulder for reassurance, because out of the three of them, he's the one whose been looking out for her the most. (Right?)

Now you might be thinking that this sequence's only purpose was to show Lucas and Dustin's development with El, and that it wasn't intentional that they focused on Lucas and Dustins' priorities in this moment in contrast to Mikes'. And I raise you, this next scene.

Here we have a focus on Mike looking on to where everyone left, while the others beside him are presumably just processing what went down and taking a rest (and boy oh boy do they (El) need one).

Mike on the other-hand decides to take this moment of rest to display the most cliche and universal forms of distracted unrest known to man: he checks his watch.

Mike then stands up abruptly, causing El to fall without his shoulder there for her to rest on anymore, all while her and Dustin are looking on after him, sort of like... Okay?

It's small. It might seem insignificant. But if you actually pay attention to what this scene is trying to make you feel, after really looking at it for what it is, it's kind of sad.

In a moment that chooses to highlight the other boys' acknowledgment of El after what just happened, and not only that, but at the tale end of their final battle of the season, Mike is... distracted?

Mike, who has been presumably looking out for El more than the others in the party this whole time, is conveniently out of commission? And right now when El is looking for his reassurance the most? Mike doesn't even have a moment to say, 'Hey I'll be right back, I just want to check something. Can one of you?--', asking Lucas or Dustin to sit next to her in his place. No. Dude just stands up without even acknowledging her.

If it was any other moment in the show, under less post-traumatic circumstances for El, then I wouldn't even think much of it. But it's at this point in the story when El is essentially at her most exhausted and quite literally seeking out support from others, specifically Mike, that makes his distractedness so eery.

Again, you might still be thinking that this isn't that deep. However, I think based on the events leading up to this, and what follows right here, could quite literally hold the answer to the guilt Mike is still keeping to himself to this day.

So... How are we feeling?

Are we feeling like Mike None of you are thinking about El's wellbeing right now! She could get brain damage from using her powers too much! She's not a weapon!* Wheeler is a little bit of a hypocrite? (I told you that tool would come in handy!)

It's actually quite terrifying how similar this scene is framed to the scene in Hopper's cabin in s3, where Mike pretty much says the exact opposite. In s1 Mike goes from being one of the first people to refer to El as a weapon within the context of them using her powers to find Will, with him being completely un-attuned to the fact that she is exhausted in this moment while the others are saying El's rest and safety is the most important, to then in s3 completely flipping script and saying El was using her powers for nothing, blaming the others for treating her like a weapon and not taking her wellbeing into consideration.

It would be one thing if Mike had a little arc where he acknowledged this script flip. Because that's what it is. It is them having Mike use a word in s1 to describe El, that being weapon, only to say the others are treating her like that with that same word being used. It is them having Mike not agknowledge El's well being after overusing her powers, only to say the others aren't taking her wellbeing into consideration for overusing her powers.

And it would be one thing if Mike had spoke to El or literally anyone about how he felt like he wronged El for planning on sending her away the next day after they found her so that they could go back to looking for Will, or how he said she was a weapon that they needed in order to find Will, essentially being no better than the people she just escaped from, who also used her for her powers. But we don't get that (actually we do.. but it's not acknowledged for what it is aka survivor's guilt. It's instead seen as romantic... another tool for later...)

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think any of Mike's behavior takes away from what Mike did do for El, because yes he was kind and accepting when the others weren't. But even despite all of that, at the end of the day, he was often at the forefront of expecting El to risk her life for them, even if he wasn't outright asking that of her.

Before you freak out, No. I don't think Mike, a literal child, was capable of fathoming that El was going into these situations risking her life. She's a superhero. El's alternative was literally going back to the lab, running, or staying with Mike. This was her safest option.

After a bunch of rewatches and putting together a lot of these moments as a whole, I've come to a point where I believe that Mike's behavior throughout s1 was him thinking that because of who El was, she's already in danger at all times. That is a constant reality for her. And so why not have her help them find Will, because she is able to, all while he can also help her. And El clearly wanted to help them, because she wanted to help good people and finally do something meaningful with her powers for a change. Unfortunately, she also had to endure PTSD flashbacks almost every single time Mike and the boys had her use her powers to help find Will.

Speaking of Will, he is currently missing and possibly dead. Will also, in contrast to El (for now...), does not have any sort of superpowers.

Mike's concern over the threat of Will's livelihood is much greater than Mike's acknowledgement to the true risks El is exposing herself to each time she uses her powers to help them. That is s1 canon.

Is there times when Mike is focused on El and her well being. Absolutely! But is there also times when Mike is not showing any display of concern to El's well being in the moment, in complete contrast to the other characters around him... Also yes.

And so the events happening the way they did, with Mike himself not fully comprehending the severity of what's been going on during these high stake situations going on around him, makes sense.

And that's what makes it all the more sad that when Mike finally does realize what he's truly been asking of El this whole time, which is to risk her life for them, it's too late.

This whole scene is obviously very emotional. All of the boys are crying, but the focus on Mike calling out for El painfully is heartbreaking.

But what's even more sad to me, is that El has been sort of used to mistreatment her whole life. She's used to having to find any comfort she could get from people in her life, all the while they were using her for her powers. I mean even despite Brenner being who he was and doing what he did, she still showed these signs of wanting to love him despite it. Which is very very fucked up. But knowing what she's gone through, makes sense.

Mike on the other-hand does greatly contrast Brenner because he was one of the first people to actually treat her with genuine kindness right from the start (before he even knew she had powers), making it a lot easier for her to care for him even despite that pesky trait of using her for her powers being almost synonymous with Brenner's very similar trait.

So when she looks back at Mike, and points him out specifically before sacrificing himself, it feels like a few things at once.

It feels like her acknowledging the fact that she appreciated him specifically for taking her in and supporting her more genuinely than anyone has in her entire life.

And yet it also feels like her, either intentionally or unintentionally, acknowledging the unfortunate side affect caused by days of Mike leading the efforts to find Will, with the expectation of her to do things to achieve that, which could have all lead to her demise technically. And so now when it all comes down to it and the stakes are at their highest yet, same as the risk, she's got to a point where she believes there is no other choice but to do just that, risk her life, especially if it means saving them.

While this is happening, Mike is backtracking in real time. He is trying to get El to stop and it's because he doesn't want her to die. Obviously.

But that's the fucked up part isn't it? When he finally realized what he's been asking of her this whole time, it's too late.

Which takes us to S2 Mike Wheeler, known by many for being a boy whose been calling his true love everyday for almost a year now because he's just so in love, but is actually in fact a boy suffering the most intense form of survivors guilt, one that involves a person who genuinely feels responsible for the persons death...

But that will probably take at least another 2,000 words so I'm thinking maybe I better split this into multiple parts.

I will tease that the next part involves one specific detail in particular that I never see anyone talk about, a detail that I think, in combination with what's discussed in this post, is so important to understanding Mike's breakdown for what it truly was at the end of season 2. I will also probably do more posts beyond that for s3-4, to delve into the impacts these moments from the first two seasons have basically put in place a perfect recipe for what is currently going down.

She is listening to every excitable word, her wrinkly weathered and worn hands gripping two needles as she knits, astounded her typically quiet grandson (in comparison to Nancy's high vocabulary) is this chatty. Though, Nana's not surprised when it comes to Nancy, who is always invited to birthday parties and sleepovers. Mike isn't nearly as tolerated with his peers, Karen once orchestrating a failed playdate to socialize him with the Walsh's bratty boy Troy which ended up with a bite mark on a sobbing Mike's arm. Nana never liked that feral child Troy and his unpleasant family anyways. She made sure to tell Karen that Mike isn't allowed to associate with them if he's going to get hurt again.

Nana's fiercely protective of her loved ones. She hopes some of her kindness and grit passed down to Nancy and Mike, considering Karen grew more reserved in her marriage when she used to be so spunky. Nana wishes Karen took a page from that Joyce Maldonado's book (wherever that wild child girl is, who knows?). Seems her wishes got granted slightly because Mike is now coming out of his shell to gush about Will-this and Will-that. She's proud that Mike took the initiative to go out and find a friend after the Walsh fiasco. Nana hasn't met Will yet. From the looks of her grandbaby's beaming face, flapping gums and empathic movements, she is already a huge fan of her Mike's special friend.

Four years later, Nana is getting weaker. Her frail body needs a cane to walk around properly, her gait is slower than most, and she finds it difficult to eat, not really hungry these days and if she must have a nibble of food, prefers to be enjoying meals surrounded by family than alone. It pained her so when she had to tell Mike that he is a big kid and that he can't sit comfortably in her lap anymore, too heavy for her knees to support, and she nearly cried as well at his devastation. The bi-monthly visit from Karen and the kids is something she looks forward to dearly. She gets to hear more of the fabled Will Byers, how he's good at art and (according to Mike) very wise. Nana heard from Karen that Mike's just obsessed with using that word - wise - since his teacher taught it to the class for their upcoming spelling test. Apparently, he's been on a kick of words that start with the letter W and also words that have only four letters. Will and Wise were stuck in Mike's mind ever since.

This time, Nana finally matched the name to the face with Karen having permission to bring Will over during the visit. Her memory's not too shabby, but Nana recalls that Joyce Maldonado is Joyce Byers now and is going through a bitter divorce. Nana doesn't mind the extra company. She opened her front door, expectantly looking down at a timid Will cutely hiding behind Mike, whose expression screams "Nana, please fawn over the most interesting person in the universe, my best friend!"

Nancy is standing there, too, along with her best friend Barb who is less frightened and politely smiles while adjusting her glasses. Nana greets them enthusiastically, offering her standard cookies and milk as a go-to icebreaker, smirking smugly as Will's eyes light up at the mention of sweet treats. Nana leads them to her kitchen and proceeds to let Nancy and Mike juvenilely fight about who gets to introduce who first. Nancy might not talk much about Barb, but she felt inclined to tell Nana about her just as strongly as Mike. Barb and Will are quite accustomed to the Wheeler sibling spats, munching happily on cookies, the tops of their lips decorated with milk mustaches. Nana smiles and eventually calms Nancy and Mike down.

Afterwards, she pulls out a crossword puzzle for the kids to help her with. She already knows the answers and could finish it faster by herself, but Nana enjoys working together as a team and building up her grandchildren's problem solving skills. It's also one of the few times Mike and Nancy pair up swimmingly as a team, Barb and Will assisting them. Soon, Mike and Will fall asleep, napping on one end of the couch, Mike propped up on the couch's arm and Will resting his head on Mike's shoulder. Opposite end of the couch is Nancy and Barb curled up together, the girls having fallen asleep giggling about some boys named Jonathan and Steve.

Nana places blankets atop them. She notices Mike shifts in his slumber to hug Will closer and it reminds Nana of late husband, a sense of nostalgia hitting her in waves. She returns to the kitchen to make a simple dinner to be done by the time they wake up, thinking a home cooked meal will serve Will good.

Years later, Nana has a live-in caretaker because she didn't want to go to the nursing home. She likes her independence and having her own house. She also likes hosting parties among her elderly peers she bingos and shops with. Other women who have lost their husbands and await for their grandchildren to visit. Something happened to Mike's special friend. That's what Nana has gone to dub Will since her bout with a fuzzy memory. Something happened to Barb, too, but neither Mike nor Nancy will tell her anything. It hurts because Nana always assumed that her grandbabies would tell her everything as freely as they used to. She supposes that's just the way life is, Karen used to talk to her too, and she seemed to pass it on to her kids.

Nancy doesn't visit much after the Barb incident. She's busy and ambitious. Nana respects the drive Nancy has, though, she wouldn't be opposed to a phone call. Mike's a bit more active in visiting, even if it's been reduced to every other month or change of season when it's not a holiday or birthday to celebrate. Usually, he's by himself, and he only comes around to play boardgames with her, work on crossword puzzles, and attempt this recent game called Sudoku. Nana and Mike play tons of games together because he believes it'll help keep her memory.

"Where's your special friend?" Nana asks one day when Mike is explaining why it's unfair for Karen and Ted to take his toys away just because he stole a few coins from Nancy's piggybank. He swore he'd pay her back, but the guys were already heading towards the arcade and Nancy was already aiming to tackle him.

"Special friend?" He pauses in pleading not guilty, furrowing his brows in deep thought of who she is referring to.

"Yes. The cute one. The one who draws!" Nana usually can remember his name, but at the moment, it escapes her.

"Will?! You mean Will." Mike is breathless just saying it and he tilts his head, twiddling his fingers. "Oh. He's doing okay. Wait? Did you say cute?"

"Why haven't I seen him lately? You used to bring him over all the time?" Nana misses seeing that Will boy.

Mike's jaw is slack, surprised at Nana's revived interest. She does ask about his life constantly, as caring grandmothers do, but this is a first where she is specifically asking about Will.

"Well, you know, a lot happened to him so his mom... He doesn't go out much too far from home." Mike answers cautiously, eyes downcast in a look that confuses Nana. She wonders why Mike briefly appears sad and angry. Typically when speaking about Will, Mike is content and sunny.

"Hmm." She hums, reaching out a hand to ruffle his curly hair. Nana's looks just like his, except grayer. "Bring him over next time. If you can."

"Okay, Nana." Mike agrees, blushing a tad. "I'll try."

Next time, he does as promised. Jonathan drops Mike and Will off since Will isn't allowed to bike ever again. They don't expect Nana to be hosting her book reading club with a few other elders in the neighborhood. She is delighted at seeing Will, as if he is her long lost grandchild, and ushers him to the living room to proudly show him off.

"Mike's special friend!" She introduces, and this is how Mike and Will realize that Nana's been talking extensively about them to her pals.

"Hello!" The other elders gleefully greet and stare at Will like he's a fairytale come to life.

Will chuckles, half-nervous and half-amused, letting Nana parade him to a series of "heard so much about you/he's even more handsome than you said he'd be/you know I used to draw pretty swell back in my heyday, could give you some pointers kiddo".

Mike is horrified and maybe a bit jealous. He is Nana's real grandson after all, yet no one's bat an eye at him. Perhaps, the many photos of Mike ranging from baby in a sink bath, to every single one of his Halloween costumes, to that one time he and the Party won a science competition award plastered on every surface of Nana's adorned walls is a reason. No need to pester and interrogate Mike when Nana brags about him plenty as is.

Will is popular with old people. All they needed to hear was that Will doesn't really have any grandparents for him to get unofficially adopted. Nana, claiming to be Will's honorary grandmother since Mike met him on the swings, is keeping close and telling tales of how much smaller the boys were napping on her couch.

"All of my grandbaby's friends are my grandbaby's too." Mike's starting to see where he gets his possessiveness for his friends from.

"Bring him back next time!" Nana orders when it's time for Will and Mike to go home.

Nana waits for a visit. It doesn't come. This time Mike is dating and has a girlfriend, El. Nana doesn't get this information from Karen, but from a phone call by Nancy, who has now made it her mission to keep in touch this way as she can't drive up for a visit, too engrossed in achieving her newspaper career with a summer internship, partnered up with her boyfriend Jonathan.

Nana understands. She just wishes Mike and Nancy would at least be considerate enough to introduce their girlfriend and boyfriend respectively to her. They had no qualms in telling her about Will and Barb, asking Nana if she'd like to meet Will and Barb. Shouldn't they do the same treatment for this El and Jonathan? Nana decided not to pry and stay in her lane. She can't knit with her shaky hands and the live-in caretaker tries her hardest to recreate Nana's recipes so she can be motivated to eat more. Karen visits her weekly with Holly, though. Which is a plus.

On a hot summer day, towards the tail end of the season with autumn at the cusp, Nana gets a knocking at her door. It is Mike. She hasn't seen him in months, since he brought over Will. He looks despondent, dark brown eyes that are a spitting image of her own dimmed. He just stands in front of her smaller form without saying anything. The live-in caretaker goes to adjust the recipe to cook a meal for three people instead of two, assuming correctly that Mike's here to stay for dinner.

"Mike?" Nana worriedly reciprocates Mike's needy hug.

She finds out later, while sitting on her couch with a silent Mike laying down, head on her lap as she cards fingers through his hair soothingly, that the Byers moved away to Lenora Hills, California. Karen had phoned over and Nana's heart weeps for Mike and Will.

She knows. Nana knows. She's seen it and heard it and felt it in the air, how Mike reacts differently to Will. She knows because that's how she used to act when she met her soon-to-be husband. Nancy, Mike, and Holly's grandfather. She adored him and when in a mood about him, she'd look just like Mike is doing with her now. Nana calls up her lawyer the next day to edit her will, feeling her body slowing down and dreaming more of her husband coming to be with her.

*****

Mike is about to graduate college. He and Will are together, as best friends and as boyfriends. Instead of attending the event, they get their degree sent in the mail, having gone for home early rather than walking the stage to attend Nana's funeral. She held on for as long as she could, but death comes for them all eventually. Karen and Holly were there for her in her last moments. It was a bit poetic, Karen holding Nana's hand like how Nana did her for all of her children's births.

Will is there to comfort Mike and Hopper gives a belated apology for ever implying that something was wrong with Nana during that one infamous summer of love where he wanted to talk one on one with Mike.

"It's yours." The lawyer tells Mike in front of everyone. "The house. It's yours. She left it in your name."

"Nana gave me her house?" Mike's in disbelief. He was very well prepared to rent a shabby apartment in the middle of somewhere. He can very well still do that, but now he knows that he's a homeowner too.

"She wanted to give you and your special friend a place to call your own. If that makes any sense."

Karen squints, contemplating what the lawyer means before getting it and placing a hand on her chest, directly over her heart to appreciate Nana's overflowing kindness even beyond the casket. Nancy's knowingly grinning at Mike and Holly's scratching her head, hoping to be let in on the secret or joke or whatever. Mike stares at the house deed in his hands and feels grateful tears in his eyes.

A letter is waiting for him. It's a lengthy one. Will found it when moving in the boxes with Mike. Nana wrote it. It takes him weeks to summon the nerve to read it. Then he's crying all over again. Especially at the last couple of sentences.

Even if I'm not physically here anymore, just know, I'm always looking out for you Michael. My darling one and only grandson. A grandmother's love is a well that never runs dry, dead or not. Be good to your special friend because you're his special person, too.

P.S. Don't junk up the house like that basement of yours. I taught you to take care of your things, so do it dear. Love, Nana.

_____

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