Songs Unwritten

I don't dislike you and I don't resent you, so I hope that you don't think that I do. I don't understand why you thought I would be mad at you for confessing your feelings, like honestly, I have honestly no idea. Yes, I did say that I don't think that it would work out in the long run if you did go out with him, but that doesn't mean I think that your decision was stupid or something. I think that it takes a lot of courage to tell someone you like them and if you like him enough to tell him, then that obviously means that he means a lot to you and as a friend, I will understand that it means a lot to you. I don't honestly know what you thought I would say about that?? Like, did you think I would say it was a bad decision or something? Because I wouldn't and if you think that I would and be rude about it or something, then you obviously don't know me as well as you think you do. 

I hope you know that I was bitter about it for a while not because you didn't consult me about it or ask me about it or even tell me about it. I was more hurt by the fact that you thought that I would be mad that you confessed. To be thought that my own emotions were more important than yours is what hurt. You shouldn't worry too much about what people think, especially if it is something you are a lot about. You are a person that is tuned into what and how others feel - a fantastic thing; yet, it is also hurtful at times. I'm sorry that you elected that not telling me was the best option, but I hope you know that not telling me doesn't mean that I'm not going to know, because the people you consulted/consult to about things tell like everyone. I'm more surprised that you were surprised that people knew things. Also, just because someone gives you advice on something doesn't mean you have to take it. There is a difference between listening to advice from people knowing that it is the best option for you and just taking advice from anyone. Advice from people comes from their own person experiences, thoughts, and mindset. Sometimes, a person's intention when giving advice may not all be what they think is best for you, but in a way may be the person giving advice to themselves through telling you. 

I don't dislike you and just because I don't see you as often as everyone else does doesn't mean I don't want to do stuff with you or anyone else. I think that everyone thinks that, but isn't it natural for me to not see everyone else as much? I am like the only one that doesn't live with you guys and I live in a completely different building. I also don't share the same major or even field with anyone and spend the majority of my time in the art building or in my room working on projects. I must constantly build my portfolio so that I may have enough work for my senior final piece/gallery. I'm not lonely though, and I am not ashamed of that, I've always liked being alone anyway. I have also made lots of friends in the fine arts program that I (have to) spend time with. I am happy and I have made so many new friends this year, but that doesn't mean I don't want to spend time with you guys. I always want to and I always think about everyone and how they're doing. Just because I don't just randomly show up anymore doesn't mean I don't want to. I'd love to send time everyone, but it's like at the same time, no one else wants to. Only one person has actually asked if I want to eat dinner with them and went through with their plans. That kind of hurts, you know? But I mean I guess everyones busy with everything, right? This is also partially my fault as well, I suppose though. I could put in effort to spend time with people, but it seems as though everyone is always too busy for me. Plans with people fall through and no one really replies back. But I guess that's what's >expected< right? Because I don't see anyone anymore, right? Right?

Please tell me why we are like this. It has officially been 3 days since our anniversary of a year, yet it feels like we are stuck in the beginning stages. I wish things would get better and I always wish for that, but it's as though you have no intentions of changing your habits. It's as though you don't care enough to, yet I know that you care because it shows. I wish I could understand your mentality of not talking to me. Are you okay with this? Does talking to me not come to mind at all? Is it something that's pushed to the back of your mind? It has to be so that you think that I will just get over it. I may get mad at you, but I'll be happy again and it feels like you're taking advantage of me. You are whether you know it or not. I care too much to say no, but I feel like and I know that if I don't say something first, you won't ever say anything to me that day and I don't want it to be that way. I wish you would understand and I am have tried so many times. It is expected of me to just end our relationship by now and I feel as though I should, yet I cannot bring myself to. 

Time to just think about things and get things sorted out. College will be a good opportunity for that, I think. I feel like I'm not really me, but I also am at the same time. I've become more me, and that's good. 

I don't know about us anymore and to be very honest, I don't think I was ever sure about us working out, but I knew I liked you enough to be able to try. I want to say that I love you and I definitely have fallen in love with you, but is it you that I've fallen in love with or is it the idea of you - the idea of being loved by someone precious and lovely like you are?

I think about it though, and I'm like "It couldn't be just the idea of falling in love, I was so set on not going out with anyone at least for another year until college", but now that I really consider it, was it my heart wanting another last ditch effort at finding love before college, bending under peer pressure to go out with a boy who seemed too perfect to like me back? Is it just me having romanticized, yearning for someone to wait for me to come back home for the weekend? To have someone to talk to about how I feel about everything? To have this support and romantic affection from someone? 

I want to make this work between us like no other. I want to say with confidence, "yes, I love you" to your smiling soft face. I want to say that the stars aligned themselves perfectly for us and that this was the right moment and time for us to be together. I don't want to lose you not from my heart and definitely not to another person, but it's like you're not even here in the first place. This deeply imbedded affection feels as though it's one-sided. Sometimes you'll say something and I'll know you still like me, but it feels like I care so much more. It all feels as though I'm making a fool out of myself because I like you too much. I'm too invested in you affectionately and emotionally to just say my goodbyes - I can't just give up. And somehow I need you to see and understand that my heart is breaking up inside.

It's highly possible that I might just be overreacting, maybe I'm just upset that you would rather play video games and be in your own little world than talk to me. I wouldn't be surprised if I was. Yet at the same time, my gut is telling me that I'm not.. It's poking at me, prodding at me saying, "Isn't it odd that he seems to care so little when your feelings have grown ten fold? Isn't it odd that he doesn't seem to want to spend as much time with you as you want to with him?" I really thought that you wanted to spend the summer with me, you made it seem like so, but now that summer break has started, it seems as though your conviction or whatever reason you had to spend time with me has faded away. I don't know what happened.. I want to know why it has.. I want to know if you even still care? Do you really? Or are you as well possibly in love with the idea of me - the idea of having someone to love you throughout your high school career, the idea of having one significant other throughout school. It all seems appealing. I remember having a similar mindset when I was around your age. It all seems ideal, perfect, idolized and yearned for almost. 

I read today, a Tweet that said "Just because I don't talk, that doesn't mean I don't think about you" and I immediately thought of you. Are you that way? I want to think so. I want this to be all just a big misunderstanding where you're just quiet and shy and comfortable with being alone. It's okay, because I used to be this way too. I learned to grow out of it, at least with spending time with a significant other, thanks to a certain someone and I want to help you too.. if you'd let me. 

Maybe this relationship isn't as serious to you as it is to me. Maybe I'm trying to paddle our boat through the raging rapids of life and you just want to stay on the shoreline. And that's okay. I just.. wish you would tell me how you feel. Do I bother you? Am I annoying? Do I pester you too much? I am so so so sorry if I do.. I don't mean to bother you. I suppose I'm just the type to crave attention from the person I like. But the thing is.. I don't even ask for constant attention.. I just want to know you're still around. Is that odd to hear as for me to say? I want to know that you still have some form of affection for me and that you haven't wandered off. Please don't leave me. I sound weak and pathetic for pleading, but please don't just leave abruptly. I'd like to know at least how you feel. 

I don't know whether to be mad at you or to feel upset at everything. My hearts a mess and you're at the center of it. I love seeing you smile, I love how you make the most corny puns on the face of the earth, I love how passionate about music you are, I love how different you are and how somehow you like me for who I am. I don't have to try to hide things because you don't care, you kind of just accept everything and that's more than I could ever ask for. I love how you're such a sweetheart - you make my heart melt into a puddle. I love how our hands fit together when we walk together and I love how you're taller than me when I hug you. I love that you're such a dork and I love that our kisses are short, although I always end up craving a longer one. I especially hold dear the fact that you seem to not mind when I divulge to you my heart's burdens. You listen to me and you so readily do it. I don't think you understand how happy that makes me. How can I stay mad at you when you are too precious for me to even comprehend? What do I even do with myself?

I wish I could have the courage to say all of these things to you without somehow wimping out. I wish that somehow you would see this and that somehow things will improve, but I know that things aren't so easy. I just don't know what to do anymore. All I know is that my heart hurts and I like you so much and I need to do something about this. Maybe the solution is for me to adapt and accept that you're just the distant type, maybe the solution is for me to tell you all of this. The future is so daunting. I wish I had a glass ball and I could see all the possible outcomes of the many different options I can take. I want to take the one that'll lead to the both of us being happy in the end, together or not because, dear, you mean so much to me and the last thing I want to do is hurt your feelings. I'm so sorry that I'm such a mess, have you noticed how I am one? i want what's best for you and I want to see you happy. Yet, at the same time, I have to respect myself and choose an option where I will be happy as well, because you might be content with how things are right now, but I know for sure that I am not. 

It feels like we got a lot closer thanks to the other day we spent together and I really feel like I like you more now. Yet, it also seems that with that one step forward we took, we took two steps back? I'm not sure why.. maybe I'm unintentionally doing it, or maybe I'm just imagining things.

I think that the pursuit of someone enthralls many people and it certainly got you caught up in me. We're a lot closer now and I'm so happy to be with you. You mean so much to me, however.. it's not nearly the same as before. I feel like you made more of an effort to talk to me and I miss that you so much. 

I know you're more comfortable around me and I love how close we are now, but that sense of eagerness to talk to me isn't there anymore. Maybe it's because you know now that you don't really have to worry about me liking someone else now, or maybe it's because I don't interest you as much now.. I really don't know.

My heart hurts thinking about how I haven't heard from you in a while. I want to see you tomorrow. I want to be that one cute couple with you and I want to spend more time with you.

I worry sometimes though that you don't like me back as much.. but I think you just have difficulty expressing your emotions.. 

I understand that not everyone has the same thoughts and beliefs as others and sometimes what the individual thinks is proven to be wrong. However, that doesn't entitle anyone to degrade or "justify" what the individual thinks.

I know some people may be hurt by what this individual says, but maybe they just don't know. It's not like they're choosing to insult others?

I don't know if it's just me not being able to see you for a while that's making me feel this way, but... I don't know how to feel about you anymore.

I don't want to say that I don't want us to be together because that's not true at all. I like you and I want to be with you. You make me happy and you light up my day when I see you or talk to you or even just receive a text from you, but I don't know what to do. I feel like what I want in this relationship and what you want is something different. Maybe the age thing does come into play. I don't know what you want from me.

I also feel like I burden you too much. I don't want to make the same mistakes as last time. I don't want you to go away because of how I feel about things like with him. I want you to stay. I want to hold your hand feel your arms wrap around me.