Tomatito

When he didn’t reply to me the first time it was over a weekend. I had been texting my phone constantly, looking to see if my message some how didn’t get delivered. I shut my phone off just in case it had a glitch that didn’t send me his reply. But then he texted me after 2 days, saying it was a busy weekend with school and work. I totally understood as I had been there. But I kept noticing how our constant texting was just 1 message per day and I would reply with 30 minutes or a few hours as he would reply until the next day.

The night before his last day of school I replied to him with a question about his schoolwork. I didn’t expect a quick reply, I knew he was going to be crazy busy. And since he had already gone that weekend without texting due to being super busy I was waiting patiently. But he never replied to me. Even after the Christmas chaos at stores were over. I saw he was active of insta. So he was too busy to reply back to me but had enough time to be on social media.

I had accepted it. I was always going through Holliday grief as it was my very first Christmas without either of my grandparents and I was very emotional and sad at times. I had posted a quote I saw on insta after seeing his story, he had posted a bottle of tequila. Which indicated he was drinking. He liked my story which I didn’t expect. Right around mid night he texts me happy new year. I definitely didn’t expect that!

So I simply replied back with happy new years. I didn’t really expect him to reply back to that. But he liked my reply and then sent a message saying how he was sorry he didn’t get back to me that he was just busy with his job and that hopefully we could hang out soon. I said, “no worries don’t apologize I get it. Yeah maybe we can hang out soon.” In my head I sounded a bit more sassy. He replied, “we’ll still I didn’t want you to think you did something bad or that I was ignoring you. But I hope your day was good” But that’s exactly what I was going on in my head. I kept thinking about how I could have been better or maybe I did something he didn’t like, so something to get him to stop talking to me completely. I simply replied, “no I figure you got too busy. Thank you it was okay.” I really wanted to say you were too busy for me. I was a bother to you that you didn’t need. And how can you just ask me about my day!? Well then he didn’t reply until the next day at 12:00am which technically is another day without texting me. My theory is he got a drunk and since Natalie had texted us happy new years she must have told him we replied and then he texted me. But only because he was drinking and that brought out some of his feelings. Not that he actually intended to talk to me again. Not like that at least. And then once he woke up the next day he felt bad for texting me that he just continued in with the conversation a few more days until he stopped texting again.

I don’t think he ever really meant to text me on new years. He was just drunk. And like his birthday is the 4th I texted him happy birthday and he felt bad I did. So he replied once more the following day before ghosting me again.

That’s why I didn’t go to his and his brothers party (a week later). I wanted to give him space. I didn’t want him to feel obligated in talking to me. He obviously doesn’t. If he didn’t want to text me back what makes me think he wants to see me. I didn’t want to make his night uncomfortable with my presence. I’m sure he felt relief finding out I wasn’t going.

I did find it really cute how he got off to open my car door when he dropped me off. He did open it when we got tacos but because I offered to hold the bag and the car next to his side had the door open and he had to wait. And when he dropped me off I took the trash of the plates with me. He gave me a hug.

Her passing happened exactly how it did here. But once we were in Mexico, she was relived. Yet we were still preparing for her funeral. We all were sad and making the preparations. I remember telling Lily about how yellow she had gotten after the oxygen left her body. I was shocked she was alive? But at the same time she was dead. I remember Lily saying, “I can’t believe we’re just waiting for her to die.” Cause we were all there. And she did say that in reality when we had gotten the news that she had days left.

There was another scene I remembered she was sweeping. Like her funeral home area. I went to go record her because I knew it was going to be one of the last times I would be able to record her. Osvaldo appeared, kneeling in front of her and for her blessing.

I had warned her to tell you to stay away from me. She knew we were close and I think she was hoping to get more information out of me, that’s why she told me about you two. She didn’t want to take my warning and so you never stayed away from me. I wanted to because I had suspected that maybe you did feel something for me too. M and W would tease me about you. Always in different occasions. You would always tell me how you never get attached to people but you got attached to me. And the things you would tell her you would tell me.

So that night I gathered everything together and believe you.

This heartache opened up unhealed wounds of mine. I’ve always thought them over the years but they have recently really been intrusive. It has reminded me that I should not imagine unrealistic things for myself. I’m not good enough. 

So when you liked my message of me telling you thank you for sending me a happy birthday message the next day after you had seen it, I asked you. You were dry and didn’t ask me how I was doing. But you were nice enough to reply. I guess you still resent me.

I’m sorry for bothering you. I just really hope you’re going good. I would love to hear how your life has been, but I know you don’t want to waste your time on me. It’s okay. I’m not worth it. I know.

It’s so crazy. I’ve been dying to see you and talk to you. To tell you what has happened since we last met. To tell you jokes I’ve made up in honor of all the jokes we’ve come up with. I’ve come up with so so many scenarios in my head where I’m talking to you and how I tell you a story. While I know you don’t even think about me. I’m the last person you would want to have a long conversation with. You don’t want anything to do with me because after all I am the one who almost ruined your life. And that was more than once.

But I need to stop. Because through messages, it’s different. There’s a distance and a feel of someone not really being real. Like talking to the computer. It’s only words that come out. I have to remember that you’re just looking for someone to share a meme with and to laugh at your jokes. I don’t know why you need me to do that. You have her. You prefer her. I’m sure she would find them amusing as well. 

If we could only have this life for one more day.

If we could only turn back time.”

-moments by one direction

The last time you told me you missed me and I said it back. I meant it. I thought you did too because it had been over a month since we last saw each other. You even invited me out for the following week. But a few days later I found out that while you were trying to get her pregnant, you had told me you missed me. It still makes me feel uneasy every time I think about it. How could you tell me you missed me and wanted to hang out while you were having her at the same time!? The day we were supposed to hang out you canceled and made your an excuse. I already had a feeling we weren’t going to hang out. I had hung out with her and I found out about you. I wasn’t really surprised you canceled. I mean there was no reason for you to hang out with me when you could hang out with her. She can give you everything. Honestly I don’t blame you. I would hang out with her too. She’s just better. That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. But that’s what I get for believing you. You’re a liar. And your words have hurt me like nothing has ever. Because of you I’ve been living with this heartbreak and that has been secretly destroying me. No one knows. But I’ve been dying on the inside. I just wished there was a way to stop it.

To stop feeling. That would be so great. To not live as myself. To be resting forever. I’m ready to rest.