Memoirs of a Cat: I'm Actually a Dog Person

I am so tired. 

And it’s a good thing! I’m in my second weekend of being open and it’s going well! Keeping busy and baking and frying a lot! 

Support from friends

New customers, because marketing works! 

Alas, I have overcome my fear of deep frying and now it is the main source of my income 

That mint green baker’s twine really is nice! 

My customers tag me in their instagram stories, what a treat 

A friend coming by today to pick up malasadas and chat. He brought me milk tea ^_^ 

Feeling cared for 

A great therapist! 

Sunflowers from Trader Joe’s

I had a Telehealth visit today with my new therapist. Our first session. We haven’t really delved into anything and we spent the first session doing intake questions just so she can learn more about where I’m coming from. 

I’ve had some really mediocre or shitty therapists. 

This one is really good. My friend shared a website with me that had a whole database of inclusive therapists, which meant I could find an Asian American therapist who would understand me. This is what I have been needing for so long. 

And just from this one session, she acknowledged something that I had been struggling with understanding for the past five years: I am still grieving my career in physical therapy. 

Grieving. It never occurred to me that that was a thing you could do for a career. But you can. I’ve always felt like it was taken away from me. And I am CLEARLY in denial because I keep thinking of ways to go back to it, even though every time I’ve tried, I’ve ended up in such a deep depression that I lose my will to live. Because the symptoms always come back and they limit my ability to function as an autonomous human being. 

Sigh. 

Welp, we got a lot of work to do. Also, thought I was going to open my business tomorrow but we got a little backed up on the logo XD and honestly right now I can’t even bring myself to care. 

Damn it why are the tacos from Jack in the Box so terrible and delicious

Got a lot of landlordy work done today 

Not freaking out as much about my business 

Feeling hopeful that finances will get back on track and I won’t have to look for another part time job 

A very good first session with a therapist who isn’t tone deaf WOW

https://www.inclusivetherapists.com exists for people who aren’t necessarily white cis het folks! 

Cherry season 

Seeing the ocean recently <3 

Having some social distant coffee and ice cream :3 

Social distant bison burger dinner with Moomz and Moo-haz

I don’t want to die today and I can’t tell you how stoked I am about that. 

That water doing the hydrating

That bed doing the sleeping

Those friends doing the chatting 

Getting some things under control for the business

Things moving along in the paperwork 

Getting some peaches today

Third night in a row going to bed before midnight! 

I feel like I can do this. Kind of. 

One of my succulents is making babies 

Talked myself down from an anxiety attack today. Fun - fun - fun 

I don’t know what to do. 

This ol’ house

Water

Gatorade

Finding a baking supply store in the south bay

Taking Little Meow on a virtual errand tour 

Trying out the new vegan protein powder from Sprouts 

Remembering to take out the garbage bins today 

Laughing at memes because the level of depression depicted in the memes is so relatable 

Electricity 

I am alive and that is okay. 

I fell off the wagon and I need to keep doing this. Imposter syndrome is on fire now. More anxiety. More feelings of depression. Seeing humans more now, but still feeling incredibly isolated and alone. Well, I mean because I am literally physically isolated and alone. Things are moving forward with the business and from the outside I think it’s looking good. I’m freaking out. Why do I have this huge tendency to make life difficult for myself? 

I was running a fundraiser and decided to cap it because I felt my mental health falling apart and had other things to work on. I guess that’s the good thing about being your own boss - you call the shots and decide what to do... and no one can really do anything about it. The old me would’ve overbooked and overworked myself - the new me is a lot better - but not perfect - about setting boundaries and taking care of myself. Things are going to be different this time around. 

But I’m still depressed and that’s pretty normal. I realized that I really need to get on top of a healthier routine for myself. When I hurt my back 6 weeks ago, I immediately started a physical therapy routine and kept with it vigorously everyday with the exception of slipping for maybe 4 days. I am 90% back to normal because of that. That is really the best you could hope for when you have radicular symptoms down both legs and feet. Damn, at least I’m good at one thing. 

Well I’d fucking better be if I went through all that schooling! 

Anyway. The fact that I went so hard on this treatment plan and had such excellent results - why can I not do the same thing for my mental health? I mean obviously I’m not a mental health professional, but I know the things that will make me better and the things that will make me worse. There are things that can’t substitute professional help, but it sure as hell won’t hurt if I have a normal sleeping schedule and get back to exercising and cool it on the junk food. And the gratitude helps. Meditation helps. I need to go at this the way I did for my physical injuries because this depression is about to fuck me up and I have important things to do! 

Sooooo I am going to sleep before 11pm tonight. I backed off from my business social media account for the day and stopped working before dinner. I walked 2 miles before dinner. I had a healthy vegetarian dinner and watched an inspirational talk. Eating fruit and drinking water. 

I AM TRYING. SO HARD. 

My plants are still alive!

Very supportive friends making donations for the fundraiser 

Very supportive friends boosting my business instagram account 

Well, I guess people really like the photos I worked so hard on 

An app that exists now that didn’t exist the last time I ran a business that helps me streamline social media posts and schedule them for auto-post 

Being pleasantly surprised by the updates to the logo

Water

Air conditioning 

Picnics with Little Meow

Our country is falling apart 

And I should make a list. 

Virtual pizza dinner with Moomz, Moo-haz, and Lezzie 

Ah, Domino’s lil garlic knots 

Moral support from friends 

Tiny Snek always knowing where to donate money when the time arises 

My strong, brave friends in PAAC who are ready to stand and act in solidarity when the time arises 

Dog sitting Roo for a day 

Jasmine green tea

Lezzie reminding me to drink water and helping me with work 

Little Meow providing me moral support throughout the day 

Peach Pie enjoying her orange zest dark chocolate scones 

Tonight I lay on my couch staring up at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by the terrible state of the world. The entire country watched a police officer murder a black man and people still find things to debate about (x20 because this is not new)? People are even more divided now? The media is focusing on the looting and property destruction following the protests, but not the police ramming into protesters with their cars, pepper spraying them, tear gassing them, beating them with batons, shooting them with rubber bullets, and assaulting them in every way possible. One of my friends was at a protest in Chicago and they almost got hit by a police car, and the person next to them was batonned by a police officer. One of my friends who works in racial equity shared a very interesting piece about this focus on all the looting and violence during protesting, and it challenged us to think about the difference between people taking out their rage on objects and people who take out their rage on human beings. It is very clear who and what the problem is. It’s not my place to have an opinion on how protestors should react when the police violently attack them. You have to react somehow. Maybe the word “somehow” is too vague. You can react in a myriad of ways that exclude murdering people. 

I could go on forever. 

Apparently on Fridays Ike’s has buy one get one sandwich for $5. Tonight is gonna be lit XD 

My peonies keep blooming and they’re so full!

All the FaceTime coworking/dinner/slumber party sessions with Lezzie to keep me sane during SIP 

Moral support from friends

Avatar: The Last Airbender is on Netflix T_T 

I can do planks just fine but sitting is still a problem =_=

Back continues to get better 

My business license application got approved! Just need to wait another 2 weeks to receive it.. and then I can apply for my food permit 

Green bell peppers and hummus 

Making peanut sauce rice noodles with veggies and tofu for dinner :3 

Peach Pie telling me I’m a prime example for early intervention for LBP

Having a physically distant picnic on the lawn with Little Meow

Poke bowls, I like them! 

I’m currently experiencing a lot of anxiety about my business, but I have a very valuable marketing opportunity right now 

Going on my grandma walks 

My friends are very supportive 

When Sasquatch said they wanted the same thing for me too :’) 

I guess so far in 2020 I haven’t been in any emotionally abusive relationships. Dated a scrub but he gone! 

Understanding the progression from abusive >> mediocre >> _____ is supposed to be someone ABOVE mediocre. Yeah, I do deserve that much! Having self respect in dating is exhausting. 

Geez I’m really sad today. Most of today was fine. Went to TJ’s and got peonies and that was really nice. They’re my favorite. My mood’s been up and down, but I can confidently say I’m out of the terrible hole I was in for the last 2 weeks. The hole was bad. I woke up feeling terrible and hopeless everyday, and now I’m back to at least feeling better the next day on days when I’m really sad. 

My back is better too, so that’s good. Able to sit for a full meal and tolerate driving for 15 minutes. 

Sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad

Post Malone leading my way to the grocery store today

Not a long line at the store today. Getting my favorite snacks. 

Playing guitar for the first time in a long time 

Reading excerpts from The Artist’s Way and discussing “progress vs. perfection” with my creatives accountability group today 

Honestly, these angels have brought so much light into my life and I’m so thankful for them. They are so kind and genuine, and so talented and supportive. I don’t know what I would do without them during this time. 

Being part of a group of people who really understand some of the things I feel as a child of immigrants doing the nontraditional things. It was heavy, but needed. 

Rediscovering Don Hertzfeldt last night 

My back continuing to feel better - minimal radicular symptoms today 

Chatting with Sasquatch on the phone, and hearing that they’re really happy with who they’re with right now <3 

I did a lottt of home cookin’ 

My shelter in place time. 

I made Shepherd’s pie and had a Zoom dinner with Roomie and Bear

Connecting with my DC friends via a COVID cooking club on Instagram. Got some tips such as using chia seeds as a binder for my waffles when THE HOARDERS TOOK ALL THE EGGS. 

Made congee with my Instant Pot which I bought on FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE

One day, many weeks in, I braved the line at Trader Joe’s to get some comfort snacks and flowers 

Aiite, soy chorizo egg sammie on a biscuit 

I went through a soft boiled egg on my noodles phase 

Cooked some chicken in my air fryer, which my dad got for buy one get one free (one for me, one for Mom)

Frozen wontons from Hmart make any meal spectacular 

Lemon cake with fresh lemon curd and whipped cream. The namesake of the Lemon Curd gang. 

Little Meow and I have been leaving food and things for each other on our porches and waving through the window. One day she left me some plowers and it made me feel better :3 

Our last moments before shelter in place :’(

Got some cool art by WOC’s for my new home

Bringing an onion slab from Acme to Lezzie and then she makes a beautiful spread 

Going on a beautiful hike!

And then eating Japanese BBQ!

Going for a walk towards the hills by my house

Parental trip to Monterey. Trying to spend time with them and work on our relationship. Did not know we were going to Monterey until I got in their car and they started driving. 

But Penny enjoyed it! 

Friendship hot chocolate! 

Seeing one of my DC friends who just moved to San Francisco! 

I got to see my California friends for my birthday ^_^ 

Vintage champagne coupes from FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE

Dining plate set from FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE

Little Meow taking me out for dinnersss

Birthday dim sum with my Lezzie 

Birthday lunch with fam and cousins 

It was spring!

And I loved buying things from FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE 

In n Out, because duh 

Having Costco cake and tea with Little Meow and B-Ri 

I think this was February? 

‘Twas a blur, but a marvelous blur... 

Meeting up with Lezzie for our monthly omegas via poke 

Milk tea on every corner? Imagine that. 

After I struggled with moving back, Lezzie took good care of me. She made sure I was fed and took me to the mall to buy jeans because my only pair had ripped. 

Secret dog beach ;) 

Peach Pie gave me one of her corgi planters :D 

Penny minding her own business

A very delightful Valentine card from Little Meow from one of our favorite local artists. And cookies. Hidden in a bag. Because my mom. 

Penny minding her own business 

Being trusted dog sitter for Wesley

I enjoyed California for a little bit before shelter in place. 

Well, I finally have energy to add photos to these posts now. And it is nice to look back on the brief moment I got to socialize and enjoy California before we were all mandated to stay inside. 

A special Filipinx brunch with Peach Pie in the Inner Sunset - one of my many hello meals :) 

Matcha latte with Roomie at our new favorite place in the Mission 

Matcha cream puff? Yes please. Eating dessert before lunch came out? Yes please. 

Bearing witness to Roomie having Japanese soufflé cheesecake for the first time 

Pork katsu sando on milk bread. Yes. Beautiful sandwich, so delicious. 

Hanging out with Roo at the beach! 

Seeing Ali Wong at the Masonic with Moomz 

Dawww just look at her

Penny minding her own business 

I think it’s helping. I’m able to walk more now and that’s a good sign. I think my sitting tolerance is getting better, too. 

Mood is improving with back improving. Though with living alone during shelter in place for 2 months I’m not sure how sustainable this is (answer: it’s not). 

I guess I can at least enjoy the weather. It’s getting warm in San Jose and it’s very tolerable. I remember the humidity and mosquitoes and 100 degree summer in D.C.... that was rough. I was happy, but it was rough. 

I’m starting to get back into my productivity groove for my business. For those who don’t know: I moved back to California to start my *second* baking business ~~~ I’ll eventually talk about D.C. sometime when I’m in the mood. I miss it a lot, and I think going into it now will just add unnecessary feelings on top of COVID blues. 

Those summer sounds - lawn mowers outside and strange children yelling

Learning how to make tamagoyaki and adding it into my spam and tomato sandwiches 

Honestly, scrolling through old posts is kind of nice - I can revisit times when I was really happy, and I’m glad that I documented them. I just can’t believe how quickly time has passed. 

I think allergy season is almost over 

Receiving cards in the mail from DC :) 

How I managed to get into exercising 5 days per week before injuring my back by sitting down 

Not having to go to the doctor because... :) 

The really rad online community I joined. A pack of creatives holding each other accountable for our projects: all from Texas, New York, Pennsylvania, and Australia :) I am the only West Coast representation at the moment. 

Being able to attend Bible studies and happy hours with my DMV PAAC group because they’re all on Zoom now