kat

as i close my eyes

lucious lashes beat, closing and revealing the beauty under them bursting colors beneath the lid, pumping, moving to their beat windows to the soul, with hidden emotions underneath the colors love and passion, firey anger, and cool, calm, hidden peace burst of baby blues, and earthy greens, warm chocolate browns

i read a quote that said that sometimes we expect more from others because we would do more for them than they would do for us and i was forced to reflect on past relationships where i put in all the effort how it felt to hold up the sinking ship that grew heavier and heavier water of unease and distance seeping in why was i feeling like i was the only one giving time and care into our lives together do i not understand friendships and relationships well? it's frustrating to realize the ones who you thought would have your back forever and always simply had you as a passing thought maybe i need to step back and keep to myself until i meet someone who wants to put as much energy in me as i in them

i think i may be a man for i wish for things i do not have stubble to scratch at broad shoulders and a strong back to admire an invisible waist and a flat chest things that genetically aren't and will never be mine

i wish i could put into words the way that i feel but it's like a jumble of cords all knotted and interwoven not connected to the right ports so all the data sits heavy in my chest forever uninterpreted

it's a cycle to be honest i'll think of it, ponder it, push it down until it disappears, and hopes it goes away but it never does i can feel it in my chest next to my heart the knowledge that this isn't me i claw at my chest as if that'd make it flat but it won't. it never does. yet i try to ignore it, again and again. tell myself it'll just cause problems who cares if it might make me happy settled in my body and my brain in a way i've never felt before or will it just make me stand out will it make this feeling worse

i take my secrets and my hopes and fears and fold them up making them really small then tuck them up under my rib cage between my shoulder blades in the crevice between my hip and femur i fill the empty gaps in my body constantly taking my thoughts and interweaving them with my soul to the point where they can never be taken only given

and come apart for me

i've seen the tv glow for quite a while now. it's taken some time to decipher what it really means, but now i am afraid i will have to turn the tv off very soon so i can blend in and stay alive without fear. though i know not everyone can turn their tv off or blend into the crowd, so i don't want to shut off my shining screen. and then i can stand with my oh so beautiful, my queer and trans community in defiance of this hate. but i fear i lack a lion's large, brave heart, that i am not brave enough to be true to who i am and are to be in this life. if i can survive to see the next sunrise or sunset, that will be enough it will have to be. i can't accept anything worse. even if the tv goes dark with lack of power when everyone else is looking, i know in the back of my mind, it's glowing. the tv will stay on. i see the tv glow. i know what i means.

it's 2am and the sky is quiet i think of what ifs and dreams of ambitions that feel hopeless things i'm not brave enough to think in the sun for i fear my back would burn from melted wax and i'd fall into the darkness of a pit i can't escape full of tauntings and reminders that i was no better than daedalus's son

i hold it in my hands next to my heart at the base of my neck and across my shoulders though times it’s less me holding and it gripping on for dear life as if it’s afraid of me letting go i think for as long as i live it will be right there with me