[relentless thoughts released]
I feel like I'm stuck. I know I have gotten myself to this place, but I can't seem to find a way out. I'm so great at hiding myself from the world, I didn't realize I was wearing this mask. When I took off the mask I was hearing shit like "I learn something knew about you everyday" or "I didn't know you liked this". Being myself was the advice all anybody had for me. Yet, when I was myself nobody could stand me be around me or understand me. I learned being yourself was a lie adults told kids to make themselves sleep better at night. So I put the mask on and tried the more destructive route. Realizing with my mask I was still functioning in society, just failing in my personal life. In the background of my thoughts I knew I had to work on my mental health if, I wanted to feel better and have a career I could be proud of.
Well I fucking got there I got healthy mentally, I had a career as a phlebotomist, and at great hospital at that! But the same shit happened again, only this time things made sense with my new diagnosis ADHD. The most frustrating thing about shit going well when your mentally ill, is you know that eventually it falls apart. I got overwhelmed with waking up at 3am to properly prepare for work at 5am. I didn't see the hardship I was taking home with me everyday from my shifts. Not only was I facing discrimination from my coworkers but my patients as well. I was watching people only call me for my work being of their own issues. Not because I was a great phlebotomist, no heavens no. I was being called my doctors and nurses simply because they couldn't treat people of color like humans! I was disgusted and yet again defeated by something I couldn't control again. I broke and haven't rejoined the simulation since....
