Akira’s safe space

main is @tinyperson00

A lot of what is on here may come off as sensitive topics, so please be prepared and keep that in mind. None of what I say is a joke, so please for the love of god do not make it into one

If a post is extra sensitive, I will probably add a cut before I even begin writing the post. Please be aware that what is under the cut is probably something that you may not want to see

2 years ago today I slipped and fell down into the loop

1 year ago today I wanted to be dead

1 year ago today I thought about jumping

now, I'm finally starting to climb out of the hole

like now I'm just stressed and anxious again that I'm doing something wrong and I don't know why. Like why can't I just be able to interact normally with people? I seriously don't understand

I'm home sick today after break, and the 3 friends I made were talking in our group chat about classes and whatnot, and some part of me kinda hoped that they'd wonder where I was, but like always, no one cared enough to say anything.

last Friday before break was odd too, because for one, I don't have any classes together with one of them on that day, two another went home sick not even two classes in and she wad in my next two classes, and three the girl I thought I was closest with didn't say a word to me all day. She just kinda sat silently next to me and didn't respond when I said Hi or asked her something.

i keep trying to rationalize it in my mind like oh maybe she was just having a bad day or something.. but it's been gnawing at me all week, like did I do something wrong??

now today, in the gc they're talking in, I was reading the messages and one of them from her caught my attention. They were talking about some test in their class and one was saying how she felt a bit better since the guy next to her was kinda stupid, and then the other girl I was talking about before texted "i need that confidence boost 😞😞 guy i sit next to is so smart and finishes first every time" and then "stresses me tf out"

so now I'm all in my head again since we sit together in math and I finish things like ridiculously fast with almost perfect accuracy since it's my best subject, but does that stress her out?? Is that why she didn't say anything to me on Friday during that class? I didn't feel like I was flaunting it in any way, but does it still make her anxious and upset?

I had a sleepover with my little sister in the basement for her birthday, and it was good. We played video games, watched A silent voice, talked, read, slept in a pile together, then woke up and read some more, then watched Earth to Echo, then went outside to read again.

but that was too good apparently. Needed to balance it out I guess- I saw my dad and youngest sister playing soccer, so I thought why not join? So I got shoes on, tried to join them, and asked to play. But it's never that easy. I missed the goal and it ricocheted to my dad, so he kicked it and it went over the fence into the neighbors yard. He told is to go knock on the door to get it back, but I have crippling social anxiety and said I didn't want to do that. He kicked it, so I told him that shouldn't he get it? Mistake. I got yelled at, then ended up dragging my sisters into it too accidentally, so we all got yelled at. Went inside and went to my mom, she got yelled at too trying to defend us. He made all three of us go and do it and yelled until we finally went out. It was alright, but now my hands haven't stopped shaking, and I shut down again. I got back and grabbed my book to head inside, and of course he made a comment saying 'oh what, is your day over now?' And I just said no and walked away. But I can't stop thinking 'it's my fault. If I hadn't decided to play, this wouldn't have happened. It's my fault. My fault,. My fault.'

and to make it worse, I checked instagram only to see my best friend, and only friend, posted on her story a picture of her and 2 other girls having fun on a car trip and playing at a farm with the caption 'road trip with my favorite girls'. My chest hurts. It shouldn't, I shouldn't be feeling this way. But my throat is tight and my chest aches.

It's like the world is distant, time passes in an instant but all too slowly, nothing feels real, everything is just on loop. I'm tired, exhausted, but can't fall asleep. I'm expected to function on 2-3 hours of sleep at most, sometimes not having gotten any at all. Dark deep eye bags, red irritated sclera, no motivation, cloudy mind, racing thoughts, irritated, distant.

please tell me why my chest physically hurts and I feel like I'm gonna throw up tho. We've moved houses plenty of times in my life, so why now am I getting like this?

also happy birthday. i know its not until the 21st, but i wont be able to be online then. just wanted to say i love you so much, havent forgotten about you, and youre still really really important to me, and i like having you around

The second I saw this I instantly recognized who it was, and I still think of you all the time as well. Thank you so so much, really means a lot that you even remembered my birthday <3

show up a fucking week early! Unannounced! And ruin a BRAND NEW pair of underwear again!

Looking through my pictures and found these two of my eyes, then was like.. I know that look familiar-