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Just now starting to realize that my 'oh well, if I die I die!' Approach to life that I've had since I was 10 isn't actually normal ;-; like..-

jump of a bridge with shallow water underneath? Oh well, if I die I die!

take contradicting medication at the same time? Oh well, if I die I die!

run headfirst into danger even when I know my body can't handle it? Oh well, if I die I die!

going out in the snow wearing little to nothing and flip flops? Oh well, if I die I die!

Stay up for 48 straight hours while doing extreme physical work? Oh well, if I die I die!

got appendicitis and wouldn't even cry through the extreme pain? Oh well, if I die I die.

held at gunpoint for gun defense in karate class with no real reaction when the person fires (nerf guns) even when everyone else is flinching and shouting? Oh well, if I die I die.

Gutting sucker punched in the gut so many times I can't breathe? Oh well, if I die I die.

continuing with 8 hours of heavy level black belt camp even when halfway through my heart started acting up and I went tunnel visioned? Oh well, if I die I die.

running out into traffic hoping no one's coming? Oh well, if I die I die.

stopping with all hygienic things because I just can't keep up anymore? Oh well, if I die I die..

Dropping out from school and isolating myself from everything and everyone? Oh well, if I die I die..

getting suicidal thoughts nearly daily and almost following through a couple times? Oh well, if I die I die..

not eating or taking my Iron pills anymore even tho I'm anemic and dangerously underweight? Oh well, if I die I die..

Purposely angering people and pressing buttons so they get physically violent with me? Oh well, if I die I die..

#akira’s safe space #tiny vents #!sensitive!#tw sui ideation #self destruction

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2 years ago today started my downward spiral

2 years ago today I slipped and fell down into the loop

1 year ago today I wanted to be dead

1 year ago today I thought about jumping

now, I'm finally starting to climb out of the hole

now, I'm moving on

#mental health #mental health journey #!sensitive!#akira’s safe space #tiny vents #new year

When it gets to the point that my only friend left, the only one that stayed for the past 8 and a half years, finally starts moving on. Texts are becoming one sided, or a one word reply to days of messages. I haven't hung out with her in months, and the few times we did over the past year all she seemed to talk about were her other friends. I was the only one left out from her sweet sixteen months ago, and now she'll be gone the week I turn 16 in a few weeks. I dunno.. maybe I'm overthinking things again. Nothing has been going as planned recently, and the depression is barely being held off by constant distractions and using manga as an outlet to escape reality, but the second I run out, I'm in for a huge shot to the head full of suppressed problems over the past 8 months. I'm loosing my last friend. After her, then I'll really be all alone.. I have no one else whatsoever, and I literally haven't successfully made a friend in nearly 7 years. I don't mind being alone. In fact, I prefer to be by myself. People are a bother anyway, and I hate having to explain myself. Tho, that's just what I tell myself.. I'm lonely. Really lonely. But I can't do anything about it, and I've been in solitude for so long now that people make me physically sick sometimes, and I can't stand the shallow types of people, the ones I've become able to read like a book and see through every single white lie or deception. I can't do this anymore, I'm like a walking contradiction. I swear, I'm not exaggerating when I say that my manga might literally be the last thing keeping my sanity in check and serving as an escape from everything

#akira’s safe space #tiny vents #!sensitive!

I've been super disassociated to the point where I literally got sucker punched in the face during karate today. It was weird tho because it didn't really hurt, more felt good, and my partner who accidentally did it said I didn't move or respond for like a minute straight, just looked blankly at the ground in the direction my head went

I was confused on why I've been so disassociated, then realized it might have been because of what happened during dinner. My mom had asked my middle sister about some bday invite from her friend and I don't remember the specifics, but she eventually started crying and saying she wanted to go but also really didn't because her friend group was iffy right now. During dinner my parents were talking to her about it, trying to get her to open up because, like me, she refused to say anything more than i dunno and admitted to being scared to open up to them in fear of what they might do, yet for some reason my parents listened and supported her? My mom said that she had been wondering what was up with her this past week and said she asked her several times and tried to comfort her when she looked out of it, then said "as a mom, I can see things that are wrong even when you don't think I can, and I will do everything I can to help." But that made me even more confused because why hadn't she done anything for me? Why didn't she ask me what was wrong or sit down to comfort me when I was very clearly out of it?? Then after my youngest sister and me played mario party cause I needed to be distracted, but I could hear them upstairs hugging and comforting her while they talked about her problems. The entire time I was just wondering.. why wont they do that for me then? Is it just because I'm good at hiding it, or is it my fault? Why can't I say anything wrong with me, but my younger sister can tell them that her friend group is falling apart and she feels sad and lonely everyday..? While I was washing my plate and listening to my mom tell my sister that she needs to be open with her, I just thought "So if I tell you I've been severely depressed since 7-8th grade, you'd do the same for me?" But no. I'd probably just get scolded and questioned about why I hadn't said anything sooner, or why I've been hiding it, or why I don't trust them, or what else am I hiding?

I just can't fucking do this. It just feels so unfair, but also deserved as well. It's like I deserve to suffer for everything I've done, and I deserve to go without help or relief. It's like I deserve to go unnoticed by my parents and scrutinized whenever I just barely bring something up. I just don't know anymore.. I know I only gotta make it about 2-3ish more years, but I'm starting to think I might not make it that much longer if this keeps up. Suffering in silence isn't fun anymore when even your closest friend, the only person who stayed, starts becoming distant and ignoring you again.

#akira’s safe space #tiny vents #!sensitive!#spiraling #..again

#akira’s safe space #tiny vents #!sensitive!#i cant put into words how I've been feeling lately but this paper has compiled basically a summary I guess #tw sh related #vent art #The black line of my wrists are hair ties btw because I use them to cover some of the newer marks on my wirsts sometimes

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my younger sister's friend was over for a sleepover last night, and I went up and played some card games and talked with them for a while last night, then she brought up my ex bf. Apparently my sister had told her everything about it, and I guess it's fine I mean there's nothing really super bad about it that I told her so whatever. But then my sister's friend started asking some stuff like why did I break up with him cause like I never really explained myself to anyone, just saying he was too clingy or whatever, but like.. she managed to get me to say a few things while she guessed what happened, then at the end she literally said something that made me question quite a few things. I told her that my first kiss wasn't exactly by choice, and that he did some other things like that several times where he'd just kiss me without consent or warning, and then she was like, well that's not really right.. and then she wanted to get into like what really happened when I broke up with him, and like what mad me do it and stuff, and I just told her a few things while my sister was in the bathroom and her response was, "That's lowkey like abuse and sh.." and I was like-

was it really that bad? Why didn't I realize earlier?? I know that he is what set me down my spiral last year, but like.. why didn't I see it until someone had to physically point it out to me..?

#akira’s safe space #tiny vents #!sensitive!

why. You stupid fucking brain. Can you not just let me feel good for once in my life without the second I get out of people's sight trying to screw me over. Can I not just get rid of this stupid fucking mind??

what if I just like- disappeared. What then?

#akira’s safe space #tiny vents #!sensitive!