do not buy a parrot. a parrot is not a good pet. a parrot is not an easy pet. a parrot is immediately attractive and fascinating and entertaining and captivating and intelligent, but it is very difficult to keep. it is needy, it is temperamental, it is delicate, it is volatile. oftentimes, it is downright rotten, and there’s not much you can do about that. a parrot is descended from dinosaurs, and do not forget that— it is the evolutionary result of millions of years of gnashing jaws and eviscerating talons and intricate design. it is not a good pet. if you want a good pet, an easy pet, a loyal pet, a fun pet, get a dog. a dog will love you unconditionally. at worst it will shred some important papers or shit on your carpet. it will not eviscerate you, unless you have a severely fucked up dog. a dog is a standard, middle of the road, average pet, and will behave as such. maybe get a fish. a fish is little more than a living decoration. a painting that moves. pretty to look at and easy to maintain. boring to interact with, though. maybe get a cat. a cat may at times seem fickle and aloof, but that is because it is stupid. there’s a reason dogs will be obedient and accept commands while cats will not. dogs are smarter than cats, and can learn things that make their existence easier. cats cannot. but cats are affable enough in the end. if you are looking for something more exotic, try a reptile. a lizard or a snake, perhaps a turtle. a reptile is interesting to look at, but like a fish, offers little else. a reptile will not love you. it will not cuddle you. it will rarely even move in a fashion that entertains you. they are easy to care for, because they care for very little. but be warned, they will likely live for a long time, which can get tiresome. maybe you’re not looking for that sort of longterm commitment. try a hamster, or a guinea pig, or a rat. rats are fairly intelligent, and they are fairly affectionate. they only live for two to three years. you can cuddle a rat, you can watch a rat gratefully eat a treat that it grips with both its uncannily human hands in a very endearing manner. and then it will die, and you’ll have invested very little in the ways of time and energy, and gotten back a fair amount of enjoyment for your time. these are all fine options. but please, do not get a parrot. a parrot is deceptive. a parrot will be exciting and pretty and fun and entertaining for a while, and only after it has come to rely and depend on you will you realize what a nuisance it is. a parrot will put you in a difficult spot like that. a parrot has more personality than a dog or a cat ever dared to have, and while this means your parrot will be more fascinating than any pet you’ve had before or will have after, it also means your parrot will infuriate you in ways no soiled carpet or ripped papers ever could. a parrot will wake you at odd hours, shrieking, for no discernible reason and you will have to accept that. a parrot will love you fervently, but at the cost that it will harbor insane jealousy for those it perceives to threaten your relationship, and it will act accordingly, and explosively. Remember those talons, remember the 230 million year legacy of the dinosaurs that brought this animal here. a parrot will be terrible in the company of others. it may perform a few party tricks outright and entertain your guests initially, but it will quickly become overwhelmed and confused and exhausted and irritated with others and it will sulk or repeat things you’ll come to regret having told it or grip you too tightly with those sharp, clinging talons. A parrot is a longterm commitment. Parrots long outlive dogs and cats and rats and fish and even lizards and turtles. Be prepared to spend years and years with this parrot, past the point where its plumage is lustrous and its intellect and quirks are charming, and past even the point where its dependence and erratic behavior are surprising in their difficulties. you will want to keep your parrot for a year or two, and then get rid of it, but this is cruel, and has likely happened to the parrot before— people rarely keep parrots more than a few years. understand that a parrot is difficult to keep, but even more difficult to lose. you will miss its quirks and personality and the uncanny way in which it came to love you, you in particular. it will learn which words you like and which you don’t and use them both. it will learn when you are sad and when you are happy, and become vexed by the former and elated by the latter. it will relish with you and it will rue every evil thing with you. it will be almost, but not quite human in its capacity for love with you. in some ways, though, it will even surpass human love. another person might love you, but they have the foresight that you might leave, they have the hindsight for how that happens, and they have a life outside of you. while a parrot has an incredible propensity for memory and learning, it will not correlate the two with adaptive behavior. it has likely been abandoned before, but that will not happen with you, not this time. you are its world. it loves you desperately. And when you leave it, know that it will hurt and it will self destruct and it will take a long time to recover, if it ever truly will. Parrots often pluck their own feathers after being deserted by their owners; they strip themselves of every beautiful thing until they project as vulnerably as they feel. They see devastation and exacerbate it to the point that ruin is an unavoidable certainty, but they lack the capability to redirect. When you get sick and tired of this parrot, you will more than likely notarize its pitiful fate, and that is not attractive or becoming or fun or hopeful, but it is the reality. Do not buy a parrot. A dog or a cat or a fish or a turtle will be much easier, and much kinder. It will not be as interesting or engaging as a parrot, but it will be so, so much easier. And if you must buy a parrot, please, be patient, and be kind.
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