John Mulaney Quotesย ย {Sentence Starters}
โAnd thatโs my WIFE!โ
โThis is the height of luxury!โ
โYour opinion doesnโt matter.โ
โShut up! Youโre all gonna die!โ
โWhy?โฆWhy do you do thisโฆ?โ
โIโm new in town and it gets worse.โ
โI lived like a goddamn ninja turtle.โ
โOh, weโre gonna freak out so bad.โ
โI donโt look older, I just look worse.โ
โYou know how Iโm filled with rage?โ
โI need everyone to like me so much!โ
โEat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs.โ
โI will pepper in the fact that I am gay.โ
โAnd I said โnoโโฆ You know, like a liar.โ
โAdult life is already so goddamn weird.โ
โFirst off, get out of here with your facts.โ
โI think I can get them to budge, letโs go.โ
โNo! Thatโs the thing Iโm sensitive about!โ
โI just wanna sit here and feed my birds.โ
โWe were little goblins. We were terrible.โ
โNow, we donโt have time to unpack all that.โ
โBecause itโs the one thing you canโt replace.โ
โI was just shiny, and dumb, and easy to trick.โ
โI also donโt want me to be doing what Iโm doing.โ
โYou have the moral backbone of a chocolate รฉclair.โ
โBrush your teeth, now BOOM, orange juice! Thatโs life.โ
โWhy do people shush animals? Theyโve never spoken.โ
โ Iโm so horny and angry all the time, and I have no outlet.โ
โThatโs what I thought youโd say, you dumb fucking horse.โ
โSheโs a dynamite bitch and sheโs the best. Sheโs my hero.โ
โIn terms of like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.โ
โWhoa! That tall child looks terrible! Get some rest, tall child!โ
โWe started chanting, โMcDonaldโs, McDonaldโs, McDonaldโs!โโ
โIโll keep all my emotions right here. And then, one day, Iโll die.โ
โThen he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.โ
โAnyone whoโs seen my dick and met my parents needs to die.โ
โJustย โcause youโre accurate does not mean youโre interestingโฆโ
โI look back on being 17 and think, โOh my God, how did I not die?'โ
โYou are never too young to learn our national โno snitchingโ policy.โ
โYou know those days when youโre like โthis might as well happenโ?โ
โSomething happened here. You hope itโs a miracle, but probably not.โ
โSometimes babies will point at me, and I donโt care for that shit at all.โ
โAnd apparently I grabbed it, drank all of it, and said, โItโs perfume.โ And it was.โ
โI try to stay optimisticโฆ even though, I will admit, things are getting pretty sticky.โ
โI never knew relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself.โ
โIt is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them.โ
โAnd everyone else joined in. A hundred drunk, white children yelling โfuck da policeโ!โ
โI have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.โ
โMy vibe is like, โhey you could probably pour soup in my lap and Iโll apologize to youโ.โ
โI am very small and I have no moneyโฆ so, you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.โ
โThe more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.โ
โThey terrify me to this day because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way.โ
โI quit drinking because I used to drink too muchโฆ then I would black out and I would ruin parties.โ
โIf youโre comparing the badness of two words and you wonโt even say one of them, thatโs the worse word.โ
โCollege was like a four-year game show called โDo My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need To Go To Sleep?โโ
โHey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because it sounds like he sucks, and I will totally kill that guy for you.โ
โI was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.โ