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A - A's giving a speech to an adoring crowd on a large outdoor stage at a podium, his picture on gigantic banners to his left and right. He might be a fascist.

B - B is in a White marble art gallery wearing a black turtle neck and drinking a dry white wine. They're pretty pretentious yet you can't deny they know what they're talking about

C - A rockstar, C is high as hell on stage shredding a guitar like she's been doing it from birth. She only has months to live due to her hedonism

D - D sits atop a Mayan pyramid, a high priest performing rituals for the many gods of Mesoamerican antiquity

E - E is nobility but from the late 1700's. B is probably richsplaining a painting of E as we speak

F - F is a caveman, a Neanderthal. F use big rock to get F way. F sometimes wander out of cave and think about future. Hmm...F happy where F is.

G - G is trying so hard to be cool. She wants to be the cool aunt but her nieces and nephews think she's a walking bomb of cringe and avoid her. She owns may cats and dresses like Ms. Frizzle.

H - H is firmly entrenched in the Joe Rogan manosphere and desires nothing more than to go to war. Any war. It doesn't matter. He will kill for oil.

I - it's the 1960's, and I is an artist. Is her art good? Maybe not necessarily but she's dating a prominent musician so she gets away with it.

J - When I say trailer park, I really mean like Cleetus and his 14 kids; roadkill for dinner, moonshine distillery in the backyard, and a deep distrust towards the feds.

K - K goes to goth clubs and so desperately desires to be Dracula, or to at least live in his castle. K hates sunlight and thinks they have vampires ethereal vibes when they're actually your unemployed roommate but it's cool they still pay their rent and don't make too much noise.

L - A bumbling tax attorney stuttering and sweating bullets in front of a judge or important client because his briefcase full of all of his very important documents got dropped in a puddle. L has 0 confidence but is oddly endearing in a pathetic sort of way.

M - M is a hippy. Bead curtains, tie dye, psychedelic music, long hair, the van, the weed, the works.

N - A suburban teenager who really wants to be seen as way cooler than he really is so he makes up stories about hanging out with the cool letters and doing badges BMX tricks. N does own a pet lizard.

O - Just a jolly bloke. A soft face, a warm smile, and you'll never leave his home hungry. His life is modest, his goals very attainable, and he's just a swell guy.

P - A fervent feminist and black rights activist. P has dark curly hair, a nose ring, is a POC, and she is probably rhe most leftist of any letter in the alphabet.

Q - Q is a nerd. Q loves nonfiction books, documentaries, and the general pursuit of knowledge. Q would be a valuable edition to any conversation if she would ever leave the house.

R - R browses 4chan way too much, is a huge fan of A, and smells like really bad. They have 1.4 million followers across social media and once doxxed a trans teenager with 0 repercussions. It was probably a friend of P's.

S - Business major in college, trust fund baby, gets away with pretty much any crime short of murder with a slap on the wrist. He drives a red Porsche and is seen with a new trophy girlfriend every week. Ran over a kid once.

T - T works for an O'Reilly Autoparts in Greeley, Colorado. He hasn't accomplished much in his time but you call him up and ask him for help and he's the most reliable guy you know. FtM, but not popular enough to catch R's fury despite their physical proximity.

U - A California valley girl who loves Starbucks, hiking, and dating apps. She has little going for herself in terms of personality, yet she's buddy-buddy with Q so there must be something she's not showing the outside world.

V - An anarchist, straight up. While P goes out and protests A's broadening regime, V is actively firebombing a Walmart. V has been to jail many times and has no plans of stopping until she's dead.

W - That creepy ass HR lady who's always smiling, hiding insults in shallow compliments, and goes out drinking with S every night trying to win his attention. She has enabled so much of his misogyny it's unreal.

X - X used to be cool back in the nineties. He was an actor, a writer, a musician, a boxer, but now that he's gotten older he hasn't lost the long hair and, frankly, he's let himself go quite a bit. He shows up with a mullet and sunglasses at a nighttime red carpet event and people wonder what he's done in the last 20 years to warrant a public appearance, especially in his current, shameless state.

Y - Y lives up in the lower Himalayas in a grassy valley where she ranches oxen for meat and milk. She looks like she stepped straight out of the Bible and can only be viewed from a distance. You can see her gazing longingly over a cliffside and you think to yourself "I have to know what she's thinking right now. I bet she's so wise." You'll never know.

Attention Tumblr:

I am selling my son's wheelchair so I can get tickets to the San Francisco aquarium and pet a stingray. I'm pregnant. I'm so smarg. have a history of doing nothing while I let children drown in a lake a multitude of times, do you think this prohibits me from entering the Kingdom of Heaven?

I can't go to school, I'm too busy crying because Temu fucked up my Skibidi Toilet plushie. There's a PENIS JASON under the loose!  Salting my floor because it doesn't taste good enough >:( Bitches be pissing with FORCE. Farted so damn loud I'm getting cited for Disturbing the Peace. Jojosiwa (dot) forehead visit my free website.com! I won't be employed for a while because my employer caught me fisting a horse. 

Hey! Eat my slump! You're stinking up the place! Fuck! You smell bad! Your head is going to be on fire! I am going to light your head on fire! It's coming! Give me hamburger now!!! I want a yorgurt toob. Shut up! I don't give a fuck! Try our Hog Heaven. I just invented green apple pretzels they’re fucking disgusting.

I’m getting high on DMT and spending 4,000 years stuck in Spencer's apartment because my trip sitter thought putting on iCarly would help.

 ナチョチーズを配達していたトラックが路上に衝突死者4名負傷者12名 トルティーヤチップス持ってきてよかった. There are more recipes where you can replace orange juice with milk than there are recipes you can replace milk with orange juice. Fuck you!!!!! I'm in a blood rage!!!! My balls are magnificent. Anal leakage! My anal is leakage, my goo is true. Gout! You will fucking sneeze! 

Hey so, uh, life pro tip or something I guess, I don't know why nobody ever told me this, but APPARENTLY if you're trying to flirt with a single mom, going up to their baby, pushing your thumbs in its eyes and going "I am going to put you in the oven to ensure the sanctimonious return of Christ!" is NOT the right move. 

NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL! 

Attention everybody I am NOT horny today! I repeat! I am NOT horny! I'm operating my cock like an arcade claw machine so I can fuck my selfcest palette swap clone up his blue shitter. I can't stop licking walls. I “squamp” Homer Simpson style when I’m horny. 

I have had an erection for 12 hours and I don't have health insurance. 

Turns out you cant get away with selling "Crack burgers hamburger" at the fuckin McDonald's no more this woke shit has GOT to stop. Punching myself in the balls, I guess. God, I hate liberals. They're mad at me. Oops! I let one out! You a bitch!!!

I'm Chuck Norris, I'm going to throw swords at people. Bing be bo baspitime, It's bastard time! I'm going to put you in my box!! Holy shit it's Crackzilla everybody fucking pray!

I am dead after trying to the fucking scorpion death-wasp. There is a giant, floating brain following me wherever I go. I am going extinct. The moon is beating like a heart. I am the Devil. I smell like ass crack. I'm selling my pussy on the internet...hope THAT doesn't stink LOL!!! The space program was the second most impressive feat of engineering in human history, second only to my Bohemian ass. Buy me money! 

I'm a little buffoon boy, 50 Euros for 5 minutes of hot Guadalupian phone sex!!! I'm incurring significant financial losses!!! I'm going to fucking....... GRAHHHH I hate you!!!! 

 My horse got snagged in the fence and now I have to fuck it. Frowning. Getting my balls stomped on by WOKE! Shout out to my gay illiterate son Bispo! Happy heavenly birthday Bispo! Too bad you got AIDS and shat yourself to death! You fuckwit!

 Fuck! We're out of tires! ISIS IS COMING TO GET ME!!!!! ALL 2 BILLION OF THEM!!!! EVIL FUCKING GNOME ATTACLE!!! One time I ran over a gnome going 70 MPH on the highway, poor bastard never stood a chance. HE KILLED ME WITH RADIATION POISONING! Fatal gnome exposure!

 Pay a quarter and take a big nasty whiff o’ me wares. I own nine vending machines, in them I will put shit. Feces. I could totally shit myself in a KFC and none of you would find out about it!! Respect my holes!

There are weasels in my peripheral vision. They are mad at me for desecrating their sacred constitution. 20 billion babies, 20 billion maybes? Bugs in my vagina, Edging my fursona…My fat Roblox wife…

Baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball basebasll baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball!!! I am stuck in the bog of eternal stench!!!!

I be shittin' my ass like a gangsta. Whipping it out under the table and pissing on the underside of it. (This is a good name for my thoroughbred race horse.) 

I'm gonna tear my house down with a sledgehammer. Bite bite bite bite bite bite bite bite bite bite bite bite biteb bite bite bite itebite btie bitebite biebtie bit bite bite btie bite. 

One time I had a dream about eating batteries and I couldn't shake the craving for their metallic flesh for four days. The Kellog’s company fears me…

Cut to me, pounding on the doors of every room in the hotel with both of my clenched fists. I am running up and down the hall in a mad panic. "BEES! THE BEES ARE LOOSE! AHHHH!!!!" I yell into room 124. This is a complete fucking lie. 

同性愛嫌悪者が私の家に侵入するのをやめない 彼らは世俗的な所有物を持った雌犬を見るのを嫌います There are parasites in my brain. Toilet in shambwes. I miss going to war. Putting angry crabs in my pants just to see what happens (Hint: they are biting my peebis.) I invented this device. I am calling it "The Bastard.” 

W Awdawdawdawd Awd Awdawdawdawd. Poop! I've been consumed! I am trapped in a hole!!! HELP!!!! I am going to dismantle this establishment brick by fucking brick!!!! I'm getting real sick of this shit!

I replaced my shampoo with ice cubes and THIS happened?  I’m gonna wash you away with my stream. I stomp on birds I don’t like. My finger fell off. I filled your house with a trillion bees, ballpark figure. Hope that helps! Queen Matilda III has passed away today after trying to wash her cooter with a fire hose.

I have been diagnosed as a burden to the fucking state. I just invented coal! I'm pushing the evil button; my apologies to the people of Rhode Island. 

Got a tampon stuck in my peehole; I am sometimes forgetful, cheesy, and aloof. I have GOT to stop setting my nuts on fire. I love me some tortoises.

My ass is truckin' They're putting trackers in my sewer pipes so they can know when I'm home! I have 12 seconds to live. I am going to piss off my wife by sending her edits of photos of her family to make them look like they're all burning in Hell. 

Holy guaca-fuckin-mole. We bought local channel 52, if you're still a cable subscriber in 2025 tune to channel 52 to watch me eat a spoonful of horseradish. Hopefully after that we'll have thought of some better content. 

Computer! Give me Batman! Yeah, can I get lobotomized, please? TENS OF THOUSANDS OF MUMMIFIED HORSES!

I like violent anal fisting. I am a god damn Romanian war robot!!!!! SCARY!!!!!!!! You're gonna die!!!!! I'm going to squash you all like bugs. 

Good morning, I am poop. Yoda beats his wife. Puts her in the dishwasher. I will now invent a burger. My tonsils is stones. 

Yeah, Yeah, I poops bigly, I am going to apply for a job at Amazon smelling like SHIT. Whatever. Worship my cock. 

Does your mom have insurance? I ran her over on purpose for fun. I ate some mold. Happy Birthday, Horsedick! Oops! I just infected you with AIDS! My balls hurt! Please stop referring to me as a God-like creature. 

Burger gaming? Sorry sir, you'll need a reservation. Throw in a couple of Pokemon cards and it's a deal. What if we take turns busting nuts in each other’s mouths? First one to quit is a chicken! 

You know what I hate? Yo momma’s fat PUSSY. I know you killed your daughter in cold blood. The state of Pennsylvania will PAY FOR WHAT THEY DID!!!! 

Sorry boss couldn't type up that report for you. I was too busy drilling new holes in my cock. I'm drunk and my vagina is huge. HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP!

I'm a firm believer in taking shits where shits should not be taken.  I'm coming off of this fent high and I feel like SHIT, wondering if I should kill my wife and son about it. One time I used rancid toilet water as bong water and got sepsis in my lungs. 

Imagine instantaneously teleporting one hundred monkeys into a single room and watching the chaos unfold as each monkey suddenly realizes they're surrounded by ninety nine other monkeys in a small space. The more I learn about Isaac Newton the more I hate his fucking guts.

I HAVE OFFICIALLY MADE CONTACT WITH THE BABYLONIANS BIG NEWS COMING SOON! Here's what I'm thinking about! If you have leftover spaghetti or ramen noodles and you're not sure what to do with them, dump them behind the microwave! Its an easy place to store and forget about unwanted waste! Fuck Italians! We should drop cows in shark infested waters for fun.

Oh to be trapped in a remote cabin in the woods in a snow storm with a dear trusted friend, slowly starving and going mad to the point of cannibalistic frenzy. How one yearns to be discovered, consuming the raw flesh of a beloved former companion, with nary a sign of humanity remaining behind my eyes. To feel the sanity flee from your mind as the prions take over, how exhilarating! How tragic it would be to commit such an unforgivable act, only for the storm to finally relent, the sun beaming down on a decadent catastrophe...But that'll never happen. 

Emailing Mr Beast to ask him to give a Silverback gorilla meth and/or crack to, and I quote, "See what hijinks ensue.” Yeah buddy shake that thing!

They should make a version  of the Kentucky Derby where they put landmines across the track and the referee is allowed to shoot the horses in the legs with a shotgun, just whenever they feel like it. I'm gay and I smell really bad. Never take me campin' lest I get my ideas…

Doctors should also amputate normal people's limbs for fun. My spirit animal when I'm stoned is a triceratops! Wow! Limes are scary.

I don't know, if I met an alien I'd get it real drunk off Buzz Balls™ and kick it in the ribs until it dies. Got too much foreskin and not enough foresight...Open your mind…

Why am I not allowed to smoke crack? This is bullshit. I would LOVE crack. Not Cocaine, don't get me wrong, I want CRACK! The Domino's delivery driver is a gluttonous beast and I look forward to getting high on meth and mutilating him like a chimpanzee. Been on those Canadian designer drugs that make you wanna kill delivery drivers...

There's this carnal desire I feel towards a Roomba, like "I'm gonna FUCK that vacuum!” I bet you it would feel fantastic to have chocolate milk poured directly onto your brain. It will always be a temperature outside.

I hate Claude Monet! I fucking hate Claude Monet! What the fuck Claude Monet? You don't know shit about anything, anything about shit. Shut the fuck up, Claude. Shut the fuck up. You don't know anything. Fuck you. I own the police. If I were able to travel back to Wild West Colorado I would've just killed the fucking Donner party myself, THEN Claude Monet!

I am world famous for my thinking, and I like to think several times a day! Do you ever shit with the lights off in the bathroom? Alone, senseless, without perception or input? Deaf to the whims of the world? I died, I saw God, his corpse laying slumped against his throne, his eyes sunken in as his divine flesh rotted away. I got into heaven because nobody was left to judge me of my sins. The angels are trying to kill each other, but they're locked in immortal deadlock. Have you ever seen a Seraphim bleed from the neck, as I have? The Lord's kingdom has plunged into irrevocable anarchy. The holy are slain like cattle, the blood of the righteous flowing through the Father's heavenly rivers. The weight of your sins are meaningless, for nobody remains to adjudicate.

I wish they had an app that was kinda like "find my Iphone," but instead of your Iphone it finds my son "Aaron" who's been missing since August 18th, 2014. 

Do you ever think about how nothing is stopping you from buying a hamster and throwing that at the windshield of a moving vehicle? I'm not saying you should, absolutely not, but if you have a decent aim and like $20 you could really tell a story here. Again, I reiterate, you ABSOLUTELY should not do this, it's morally reprehensible, but you, at any moment, can walk into your local PetCo, buy a hamster, and hurl that into oncoming traffic on the freeway. DO NOT DO THIS, it's a horrible, terrible thing to do, but if you get away fast enough the cops would never figure it out. You'd have just done the worst thing you've ever done, gotten away with it, and for minimal effort to boot. 

A mysterious old lady boss working 351 times harder than me to make a dating app for John my teenage son studying topology so that she can take claim to my kin and fuck me rightfully in the ass. Four hundred and ninety-nine year-old horny rat. Ferrari neglected 99% of its user base and now has to resort to selling coffee to supplement their car business because they were too busy sucking their own cocks instead of selling me a god damn car.

God has sent me a divine message to kill minimum wage workers. I like to go to del taco and walk up to the workers and hit them with a hammer. Suck my weegus. I’m shoving Rice Krispies up my pussy so I get a YEAST INFECTION. My Medicare card declined! Fuck!

I'm like turbo-fucked I got pwned by the CIA at the request of the Egyptian government after I attempted to extort them of 5 million dollars I am going to some desert pit prison where I will never be seen again. Christmas time! Come get your Christmas donkey! It's the donkey you bring into your family living room and kill every year! It's time to kill the Christmas donkey! It will bleed out over everything in your fucking living room! It's the Christmas donkey! 

I came out of the pussy listening to Throbbing Gristle!!!! I took a shit so gnarly that I can feel my heartbeat in my asshole. I can hit people in the balls and it's funny. Markiplier watched me nail my hand to a table, didn't try to stop me, didn't do anything but I think he enjoyed it. I’m using forbidden sex magic to fix the hernia between my balls and butthole!!! I can kill people via bayonet-induced sepsis and it's funny! I was sent from Heaven to pass on the Lord's divine message that poor people should give me their money. Skulls! Skulls! Many burning skulls! I think I'm gonna stab Kyle to death in real life.

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender, seeing a horse, says horse to the bartender "why lhe "bartender "long face" asked the horse bartender  who is a horse bartender and the horse said 'Long face" and the bartender said bartender and I'm the horse and why the long face horse bartender why the bartender long horse face and the horse said "why the long face" ad the bartender said bartener and the bartender asks "why the long" and the horse is horse said bartender said the horse asks bartender "long face why" and the bartender horse horse said the long face and asks the bartender "why the?" and the horse horse bartender walks into a bar horse. 

An horse walks up to a lemonade stand and he asks the bartender man running the stand hey bum bum bum why the long face and the bartender says horse bartender asks the horse why the horse and the horse replies horse I think the long face the bartender asks why the horse long and the horse, bartender, says why the long face and the horse says says horse bartender. It benefits NO ONE. Did you remember to kill your Christmas donkey this year?

In extreme abdominal pain because I wanted to bust a nut and came backwards and it all shot into my bladder. I gently laid a lit firecracker down on my ballsack. I can't wait to see what happens! You ever bust a nut like a gangsta so good that you fall over cuz that spunk too crunk? 

Attention everyone I don't know how you're supposed to get the finger in your ass when the poop…blood? My plumbing! I'm the Pope! I'm the President! I'm 12 feet tall! I'm 3 feet tall! I have no spine or skull! I haven't actually needed to breathe since the Quaalud incident of '16, I've only been breathing through my nose to make you more comfortable in my presence.

There's nothing as exhilarating as watching Toy Story butt ass naked inhaling yo daddy's second-hand smoke. I'm 33 years old! I love the Chicago Cubs! Don't ring my doorbell or I might have a "moment"! I yearn to be understood and hopefully when the time is right it will be by a jury of my peers.

My #1 secret to making people comfortable around me is to point at them and laugh heartily, so they know I find their antics amusing. Sometimes I poop wrong.