Work-in-progress dad.

It’s been quite a while!  What’s new?  My boy joined a school pageant and he won! All was worth it. I couldn’t be more proud of him. Of course, I take pride in that. (HEHE)

I’m glad that little by little, he’s starting to develop his own character, his own behavior. Because of that pageant, he’s now more interactive with people. He’s always been, but now it’s extra. LOL. 

On the day of that event, I never felt so nervous like that. It felt like I was the one to do what he’s supposed to do LOL. At first, he had a bit of a stage fright, as there were alot of people and loud music. But through out the pageant, he was able to maintain. He walked. He posed. And the best part is he was able to answer the Q&A portion without coaching or anyone telling him what he should answer. 

And when they were announcing who the winners were, my heart would stop for each runner up as I didn’t want to hear his name yet. But when it was time to announce the grand winner, I mustered all my strength and shouted at the top of my lungs not caring what could happen nor what other people would think, my son’s name was announced and I just couldn’t help it.  We have a little title holder. ♥  Just today, I received exciting news.  My boy’s one of the top kids in his class! Well, I never got to experience that (LOL) but I’m incredibly proud of this boy!  I want to get him a reward. See, we’ve been to the toy store a couple of days ago and he was really wanting this toy pterodactyl. Gotta admit, it was a pretty solid toy. (No, it does not fly). 

This is what I’m talking about. We’ll never know what kind surprises will happen. More the reason to keep on breathing. ;) 

Before it all, I was a careless human being.  I didn’t look left and right before crossing the street. I didn’t use my signal lights before turning. I didn’t care what others would feel. I didn’t clean up my table when I dined in restaurants. I didn’t wash the dishes I used. But, I still flushed the toilet whenever I’m done using it though.  In short, I was an asshat. (hole) I didn’t care if my life would end in a minute. YOLO Vibe. I drank until I couldn’t. I smoked cigarettes for breakfast, because we didn’t have money to buy breakfast. I longed for the high nicotine gave me with an empty stomach. I remember hiding my lighter, but my mom would always find and take it.  I was always short-tempered. (As I am now, but not as short-tempered). Fights would always start because of my words. I could hurt anyone I want with just words. And make them feel better with words as well. I had my fair share of great word play before. (Thanks, medieval movies) 

I always had this human touch wherein I could influence anyone according to my will. I can make you smoke this cigarette I’m holding, I can make you drink this beer etc. All I had to do was to make you curious. All fun and games. But there comes a day when I realize what I was doing was wrong. Be it a day, an hour or even 30 minutes. There’s always that moment when you reflect a little. 

I guess the turn around for me started way back in high school. See, I was a student in a catholic high school. Where I learned the ways of the catholic, their practices and all. I had a catholic family growing up. Specially with my mother’s side. They were very religious. Always praying to different saints. We had small statues of saints in our house, a carving of “The Last Supper” by the dinner table, rosaries, novenas, sacred photos of the Virgin Mary. We would celebrate The Holy Week by fasting and praying. So, when I entered high school, there was little to no difference at all. During my first and second year in high school, I was a member of the school’s chorale. But due to an incident regarding alcohol (No, I didn’t go to the annual star gazing for freshmen drunk with my friends, who does that anyway?), I had to spend my 3rd and 4th year as a member of the Student Council. Fast forward to my last year in that school. I had quite an interesting (but fun) years. Spent 4 years of my life in this school, I might as well. I’ve known every entrance and exit of the school. I know where the lovers “spend time”. I know which part of the school is haunted. I knew where to go and where not to go. I knew the place like it was the back of my hand.  So, spending the 4th and final year in that school we had this retreat program. Typical for catholic schools. A whole class is transported to an isolated place to focus, pray, repent and appreciate. I actually had fun on that trip. I enjoyed it. Because I got to know more about my classmates. I saw how vulnerable everyone was. I saw them cry. Hell, even I cried my nose out.  We were made to confess to a pastor there. We confessed our sins and wrong doings and pray. So, I did. And it was like the first time I did a confession, I felt so down, as if I’m being held down. After the confession and prayer, I felt light. As if the world wasn’t on my shoulders. (It never was).  After that, we were made to realize the importance of those around us. A week before the trip, we would receive letters known as “Retreat Letter”. It consists of words that people want to tell you. How they appreciate you as a person. There may even be a letter that confesses their feelings for you.  We all read our letters. Not only were the letters from the students of the school, the letters could also come from your family. And yes, I got one from my mom which I burst to tears while I was reading it alone under a tree. I couldn’t finish the letter without crying. 

That retreat made me realize things. The importance of people around you. Those who appreciate you. It’s like as if my eye had been closed and was opened. 

After high school and shortly during college, we relocated our home. Quite far from the city and lifestyle I grew up knowing. I had two feelings about it, though. One is that I won’t be seeing my friends quite so often. Two is that this may be a good thing, new surroundings and new people. And I was a teenager then, so what say do I have? 

I was always 

Comparing my life before to what I have now, there’s a very significant difference. And I feel different. I try to be better everyday.  I got inked with The Archangel, Michael. Why? Known to defeat the Devil. Banished the Devil in its dragon form. 

I intend to defeat my own demons.  In every day. In all ways. I will not let them win. I am stronger. For myself. For my family. 

Sometimes I can't believe what I have right now. No, this isn't a complaint. There are times (a lot of times) when I find myself just looking at everything I have. I mean, what did I do to deserve this? I have a wonderful wife who cooks (my waistline's furious) the most amazing food. And the best part is, most of them are just spontaneous! She makes her experiment recipes and comes out with a dish that you'll crave. She literally does her best to balance that work-life-mama'life balance. LOL. Couldn't ask for more. (But maybe 2 - 3 more babies hehe)

WORK Ever had a feeling that you hit a dead end? Like you had a simple routine, but it's no longer effective? And that it brings more bad than good? Yeah, I'm right there. As mentioned, I work 5 days a week in the office and my offs fall on the weekend. Great right? Kinda ideal. When I first started here, it was all good. I've had fun and learned a lot of things. Had a blast with the year end party and Christmas party. We eat in the office when we have a celebrant and whatnot. But recently, things have been kinda stale. Like everything's turning to black and white. The worse part is, I'm not the only one who feels this way. Apparently, people in my team also feels the same. What's worse than that? There's no solution to it. I can't help but feel as if I'm the burden by summing up all of my mistakes. Heck, I don't even feel worthy to take a 15 minute break or ask for a leave. I don't know. It's been really draining these past few months. I've always hated this feeling and hoped that I wouldn't go through it again, but I've been dragging myself lately. And I know that it's one of the signs that a person is no longer happy, no.. willing to do whatever it is needed to be done. I want to feel the excitement I had before. But how can I if I'm being micro-managed? They tell you one thing and it becomes a different thing quickly. A backhanded compliment. Favoritism. Being frustrated with you not knowing a certain process they didn't even teach. No proper training. I used to think that the people are worth the stay, but apparently that reason's starting to deflate.

(I wish I finished school instead.) Meh, hopefully one day we'll all find our spark again.

-- FAMILY Coming home to them brings me comfort. Sometimes I come home to my boy sleeping on the sofa and my wife working. A quiet afternoon. Relaxing. OR I'd come home and see my boy riding his bike in the yard, yelling "Daddy!" as I walk to the gate. I feel that the stress I have from work drops. And I squeeze out the remaining energy I have to play with him. I love weekends. I get to spend the whole day with them. May it be just at home, relaxing or out at the mall. Sometimes we'd attend a birthday party. Literally takes off the stress you had for the week before. Recently, I feel like I've lost my touch. Or is it just that they're growing up? LOL. He has his own feelings now. He knows what he wants and what he doesn't. That's great and all, until my wife told me something. Apparently, they went to the mall on a weekday (I was in the office), and Rex wanted this piece of gummy something from the candy shop. She said "No", because she didn't have extra cash on her and Rex took the candy and ran off. Kinda alarming, right? (Bet it is). She ran after him and took the candy back to the store. So fast forward to yesterday, we went to the mall since it's a weekend. To be honest, I never had a problem walking into a toy store with him. He never splat himself to the ground just because I couldn't buy something he wanted. He never cried, never yelled, never had a tantrum because we couldn't buy what he wanted. But yesterday, he was trying to get a chocolate egg with a toy inside (You know those little KinderJoy surprise eggs? Those ones.), and I said we couldn't because we haven't eaten dinner yet. I was holding the one he was holding and then he let go. I thought, alright, he understood. But, Alas.. his hands were fast to grab the egg next to what I was holding and ran off. So I ran after him and caught him. I'll admit. It wasn't cute. I was actually angry at what he did and I think he felt that. We walked for a little while and his mom was looking at clothes. I took this opportunity to talk to him. With all my might not to raise my voice, I told him that it wasn't right. It's bad. And that's how a person would end up in jail. (Come on, it is, right???) He looked up to me with the most sorry eyes I saw in my life with a bit of tears on the side and he said "Sorry" and hugged me. I think to myself, "If I didn't need to go to the office everyday, this wouldn't have happened". I don't blame my wife, because she already has a lot on her plate. She works from home, takes care of Rex, fixes his school bag, school lunch. Sometimes she does the laundry while working. She even cooks for their lunch. So, yeah. She has a lot already. I blame myself. I haven't been there for either of them. He had trouble breathing recently. We thought it could be Asthma, since I had that, too when I was a kid. He would breathe in deep and exhale, like a very deep sigh. But according to the doctor, it's actually psychological. The simplest example the doctor gave is that when we (adults) think about something that bothers us, or remember something really sad or when we were afraid, we tend to do the same thing. In this case, it's the same with children.

I feel sad. I should've done better. I should've been there.

My journey as a dad began almost 5 years ago. I know I have a long way to go, but here's what I've learned so far. "Tired" isn't an option. - I work in the office every day, 5 days a week, 6:00AM to 3:00PM. The distance between home and work is approximately 25km and I ride my motorcycle as my daily commute. Which means, I leave the house 2 hours before my shift just to be sure that I won't be late. The My workload's not that heavy, but the process is quite a pain. (Kinda tolerable) There are times when I don't want to leave the house and just lay down with my family and hug them. I want to see my boy wake up, yawn and stretch before starting his day. I want to drop him off to school more often and pick him up after. I want to do a side trip to the mini-toy store near his school and buy something for him. But I need to work so I can have money to buy things for him. LOL. If you drive every day, regardless if it's a 2 wheeler or 4, you understand how draining the traffic is. The route I take going to work and going home is the same. According to Waze, though, it's the "Fastest" route. *exhausted sigh I get home beat. Tired. Just want to lay down. Sleep. Relax. But it's the opposite in reality. When I get home, I want to see my boy. I want to play with him. I want to hear his stories on how his morning went. How school was. If he ate breakfast or lunch. How many stars he got from his teacher. Stuff like that. But there are times when I really can't function properly when I get home. And I mean, shutdown. Body shutdown. Arrived home, removed my riding jacket and lay down. I can rest, yes, but then I feel like a total asswipe for doing so. And when my boy just squeezes himself trying to get into my arms, I feel somewhat relieved. That's one more thing I appreciate about him. He gets it when I'm tired. He'd just lay down beside me or leave me be. "So, this is how it feels like to have a small human love you." I think to myself. And yes, after a long day at work, coming home to them makes it worth while. Your kid will ALWAYS copy what you do. - Literally and it goes both ways. I remember a time when I was taking the motorcycle for a wash. I was scrubbing it, washing it, getting all the dirt out, wiping it and even applying wax to it. After a few minutes, here comes my son with a micro fiber towel of his own, about to wash his bike. LOL. I offered to help, but he said "No" because, according to him, he "got this". The same scenario happened when I washed the car of my brother-in-law. After washing the car, I was wiping the excess water from the roof and I could see him wiping away as well with his mini-car. There was even a time when I was cooking. I was chopping carrots and other sorts of vegetables. I make it a habit to have him sit down at the counter top when his mom's not around just for me to keep an eye on him. Later that afternoon I see him chopping up his clay and putting it into a toy pan, making sizzling noises as he goes. LOL Moments like this really makes you feel good. On the other hand, kids also tend to copy your bad habits. I tend to raise my voice when I get angry. And just for perspective, I've received a compliment before that my voice is just like James Earl-Jones / Darth Vader. (I kid you not.) There are times when you're just at your limit and people just keep poking you until you have no other choice than to explode. And just as mentioned, I tend to raise my voice. Little did I know, my son hears it. And apparently, according to some of his aunties, he's been raising his voice frequently as well. This made me feel like a failure. I felt so little despite my big size. Made me feel irresponsible. Letting my child see his father like that. I talked to him and told him that it shouldn't be that way. The inevitable happened, right when I told him to not shout or raise his voice, he asked "Why". And I explained. Good thing is, I haven't heard anything about him shouting anymore. Though there are times when it's involuntary for him (surprise, surprise).

Be CAREFUL of the words you speak. - Let's get real. These are kids. They don't know much. That's why we're here (Parents, yes. You and me and everyone with an offspring) to guide and explain things to them. Don't ask your kid "What's wrong with you?" just because your child broke a glass or spilled water. A kid tends to ask themselves these question and would actually doubt as to what would the answer be. No one wants their child to overthink at an early age. Specially with kids who are about 4 - 5 years old. They're chatterboxes by this age! They don't know the answer to all of the questions. Do we? I'm not a perfect parent and if there is one, I haven't met them yet. Tell them the words from your heart. Words that would make them feel loved. Make them feel that they belong in your arms, that they'll be safe in your arms. At this age, that's one of the major things we need to make them feel, dude. LOVE. You'll never know how time flies so fast. Take? NO. MAKE time and spend it with them. - I've been more frequent at work than I'm supposed to. I don't know, I guess I got used to working remotely since I did for 2 years. Now, I'm in the office. Sometimes, I tend to think the inevitable. "I'm not getting any younger." Yes, it's true. But neither is my kid. Neither is my wife. When I think about it, it puts me in a mood where I just want to hug them and never let go. Plant small kisses on their face just to let them know how much I love them. When night time comes, we always wash ourselves before heading to bed. And the first ones to hit the hay would be me and my boy. We'd talk for a while. I'll ask him how his day went, he'll ask me where I went, I'll say "to work" and he'll follow up with a "why" and I'll answer "so that we'll have money to buy food, to pay bills, for your school and to buy toys" and he'll ask again, "why" and with that, I've opened up an endless loop. (I really need to know when to shut it LOL)

I explain why I raised my voice or why I got mad when he did something bad. (Not intentional rhyme). And I always make it a point to make it clear for him that I'm not mad at him or angry at him. I explain that I'm only mad at what he did, not at him directly. Most of the time, he'll fall asleep in my arms. Just before I sleep, I gaze over his face. rubbing his hair, playing with his ears, pinching his cheeks and small lips. And quietly, I overthink. "I don't want this moment to go away." "I want you here always." "I want the best for you." "I'm sorry." "I won't let anyone hurt you."

It's been a very long while since I last posted something here. LOL. I hope you guys have been well. With all this Covid thing, one time we're all required passes, facemasks and even damn faceshields and the next thing we know, it's optional to wear facemasks and faceshields. Man, everything seems back to normal. But, we can never be too careful. My boy's turning 5 years old this year. Man, does time fly fast. One day you're changing their diapers, the next thing you know is that you're dropping them off to school, watching them run towards their classroom and saying "Hi" to their classmates. They're very curious at this age. I learned that myself. Every time I would do something, it'll start with a "What's that, dad?". After I answer, there's that follow up "Why?". And I explain to the endless "whys". It makes me better understand what I do at the same time, letting my boy know why I'm doing what I'm doing (does it make sense? LOL

They also talk a lot. Not baby talk anymore, no. But actual words. They explain what they're doing, they have their imaginary friends and they tend to name everything that needs a name.

You know you’re entering parenthood when: - Your YouTube playlists are full of Nursery Rhymes instead of Cars, Shoes and Tech (For Dads) or Cosmetics and Beauty products (For Moms) 

- Your bags are full of Diapers, Bottles of Milk, a Pacifier, a toy car, Extra shirts, face towels and Baby Powder instead of Make-Ups, Perfumes or anything that you have before.  - Sometimes you sing those nursery rhymes even when you’re at work. - You have eyebags with a remarkable intensity.  - You know Cocomelon

- You know Pinkfong and Hogi - Your car has a baby-seat in the back.

- You think of what to buy for the baby rather than something for yourself. 

etc..

It’s been one year since our boy has entered our lives and lemme tell ya, it’s been one heck of a ride!  After checking out from the hospital and arriving home, yes, things were definitely different for both me and my wife.  We had less time for sleep, we shifted turns on who’s gonna put the little guy to sleep, I had to wake up damn early (WHICH IS NOT IN MY HUMAN NATURE). On weekdays, I would work, like any human being does. But, after work days, I would come home and take care of the little guy. Spend little time with him before I go to sleep. (I was in a graveyard shift, so).  And on weekends, it’s my day off from work, but my work day on family. I would have my wife rest and let me take care of the baby.... and her.  It’s a double job, I gotta watch over the kid and get my wife a glass of water or whatever she would want.  It wasn’t easy, it was exhausting and it was draining. And I thought, if it was that hard, I could only imagine the feeling of my wife with every day. But, of course, in every tough and exhausting day, there are always rays of sunshine that my boy brings to us.  With every smirk my son would do, every coo, our hearts would melt.  Every time he would tighten his hold to our fingers, every time he would mumble, every time he would wake up, all would be worth it.  Months went by, and naturally, he’s growing. His first words, first steps, first giggles and laughs. 

Every month, we would celebrate our kid. We would eat out or just cook something and eat. I’m pretty sure every newbie parent does that. lol (NEWBIE HERE)

In every day I see him, I’m happy. Well, I think all of the parents would feel the same with their child. That’s why I’m lucky to be a father. Because there’s 2 things that make me happy, my son and my wife.  I remember back in the day when we didn’t know that my wife was pregnant, I had a scooter. One of a kind, sexy-looking Honda Click. I had a collection of sneakers, I was vaping back then. I had my dream Samsung phone. I was always thinking of buying things for me.. and for my girlfriend (Who’s my wife now).  But, after the news popped, of course, I was shocked. Like I said, I didn’t know what to do.. except for one thought in my mind.. SACRIFICE. I’m gonna be a dad back then, and I didn’t have much money. So, I returned my beloved scooter to the dealer. Because I was paying monthly for it, how am I gonna save money for the “Big Day”?  I sold some of my sneakers, which I saved up for back in High School. I stopped vaping because it’s actually like a commitment, you know? You have to change your cotton once in a while, you have to change your coils every week, you have to buy juices every now and then, it’s pricey. So, I stopped vaping and sold my set.  And finally? I sold my dream phone. Well, 2 of them. A Samsung Note II and a Samsung S7 Edge.  And you know what? I didn’t have any regrets.. I sent my scooter back, means I’ll be taking the Bus, which means more time on the road. I sold some of my sneakers, which means I have to wear 1 pair of shoes now. I sold my vape set, which means HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA DEAL WITH STRESS lol.  And I sold my phone, now I’m sharing phones with my wife.  But none of those mattered.  You see, when you sacrifice for something or someone you love, it will be worth it. Trust me. It will. I don’t have the answers. but it will.  And when you sacrifice, something comes with it and it’s called ADJUSTMENTS. You adjust to the new things you gain from sacrificing something you had. And that, my friend, makes you somewhat better.  It’s been a year now, and my son just turned 1.  He learned to walk, to ask for something he wants, scream, cry on purpose, make car noises, say “Happy” but “Appbee”, and he likes to push things around and play with Hotwheels.  And my wife and I got the change to know each other deeply. It doesn’t end here, of course. We have a lot of years to face. But with Sacrifice and Adjustments? I think we’ll be just fine. :) Now, what adventures wait for our family next? Hmm. Let’s find out on the next episode. :)

Thanks for reading! 

March 31, 2018 This day was full of mixed emotions.. I was under a lot of pressure. I’ve barely began working, I was currently in training that time, I had no money, I was hungry, I was tired. Though, it all started on March 30, 2018. Me and my wife were expecting our first born to be.. well.. born. My wife started to experience pain and difficulties with walking, standing and even sleeping. There was a lot of “Thrill”, I might say, because we thought he was gonna come out. But, no. It was all false labor. So, after a back and forth journey to the hospital, we decided to go home. And on the night of March 30, 2018, my wife began to have trouble sleeping. I asked her if we should go to the hospital or if she can still bare it. All I can see from her face is pain.. And that’s not a pretty sight for any husband. To see the love of your life in pain is unbearable. And with that, I initiated that we go to the hospital. So, I got up, didn’t change clothes, got the car, and we went. The drive from our home to the hospital is not that far, not that near. And let me tell ya, that’s one of the moments when I got to drive a car fast. Don’t worry, my hazard lights were on. And while driving, my wife was silent. It’s like she was keeping the pain to herself. And me, I was silent as well, but my thoughts were screaming. Suddenly, I felt a cramp on my leg. Boy, did it hurt like a bitch..but, what could I do? I didn’t mind it. Once we arrived at the hospital, my wife was admitted right away and sent to the operating room. And there it began.. the “Waiting Game”. March 31, 2018, No other patients were there, no other fathers were waiting. I was alone in a dark, creepy hallway waiting for my wife or anyone with news about her. A lot of thoughts were coursing through my mind.. “How can I be a father?” “What if the kid doesn’t like me?” “Do I have what it takes to be a parent?” and so on.. Every time someone would go out the operating room, all of my body hair would startle. My sleepy eyes would be wide. And I would be hoping for any type of news. While waiting,of course, I planned on a few things.. maybe too advanced. I want to teach my kid how to drive, shoot his first hoop, cook his first egg, tie his own shoes. Basically, I wanna do all the things that my dad would’ve done. The silence of the night and the silence of the hospital was very unbearable. So, I sang Frank Sinatra’s “Fly me to the moon”. As I would sing that to my kid when he was back in his mom’s tummy. The door of the operating room opened, and the nurse called my attention.. And while I was walking towards her, I saw this blanket wrapping the cutest most graceful being I’ve ever seen.. After 6 straight hours of waiting, I felt hungry, I was sleepy, I had a bit of pain still from my cramp, but none of those mattered.. I saw my son. And holding him for the first time, I had to hold back my tears, but I couldn’t hold them all back.. I’ve never felt so nervous and excited my whole life.. And the nurse took him back, told me to wait for my wife. That moment, I felt really light headed, like I was high. When they released my wife from the operating room, my son was with her. Seeing them both sleeping, I could do that every day just watching them sleep.. I felt like I won the lottery, I felt like flying and screaming. And I knew from that day on, things would change.And I was ready to accept it. March 31, 2018 marks the day when I became a father. Wanna meet him? Okay. Say hi to Rex Emmanuel. :)

And, yes. I had no idea of how to be a father. But, we’ll see how I’ll be doing. ;) Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for the next episode! :)