WORK
Ever had a feeling that you hit a dead end? Like you had a simple routine, but it's no longer effective? And that it brings more bad than good? Yeah, I'm right there.
As mentioned, I work 5 days a week in the office and my offs fall on the weekend. Great right? Kinda ideal.
When I first started here, it was all good. I've had fun and learned a lot of things. Had a blast with the year end party and Christmas party. We eat in the office when we have a celebrant and whatnot.
But recently, things have been kinda stale. Like everything's turning to black and white. The worse part is, I'm not the only one who feels this way. Apparently, people in my team also feels the same. What's worse than that? There's no solution to it.
I can't help but feel as if I'm the burden by summing up all of my mistakes. Heck, I don't even feel worthy to take a 15 minute break or ask for a leave. I don't know. It's been really draining these past few months. I've always hated this feeling and hoped that I wouldn't go through it again, but I've been dragging myself lately. And I know that it's one of the signs that a person is no longer happy, no.. willing to do whatever it is needed to be done. I want to feel the excitement I had before. But how can I if I'm being micro-managed? They tell you one thing and it becomes a different thing quickly. A backhanded compliment. Favoritism. Being frustrated with you not knowing a certain process they didn't even teach. No proper training. I used to think that the people are worth the stay, but apparently that reason's starting to deflate.
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FAMILY
Coming home to them brings me comfort. Sometimes I come home to my boy sleeping on the sofa and my wife working. A quiet afternoon. Relaxing. OR I'd come home and see my boy riding his bike in the yard, yelling "Daddy!" as I walk to the gate. I feel that the stress I have from work drops. And I squeeze out the remaining energy I have to play with him.
I love weekends. I get to spend the whole day with them. May it be just at home, relaxing or out at the mall. Sometimes we'd attend a birthday party. Literally takes off the stress you had for the week before.
Recently, I feel like I've lost my touch. Or is it just that they're growing up? LOL. He has his own feelings now. He knows what he wants and what he doesn't. That's great and all, until my wife told me something.
Apparently, they went to the mall on a weekday (I was in the office), and Rex wanted this piece of gummy something from the candy shop. She said "No", because she didn't have extra cash on her and Rex took the candy and ran off. Kinda alarming, right? (Bet it is).
She ran after him and took the candy back to the store.
So fast forward to yesterday, we went to the mall since it's a weekend. To be honest, I never had a problem walking into a toy store with him. He never splat himself to the ground just because I couldn't buy something he wanted. He never cried, never yelled, never had a tantrum because we couldn't buy what he wanted.
But yesterday, he was trying to get a chocolate egg with a toy inside (You know those little KinderJoy surprise eggs? Those ones.), and I said we couldn't because we haven't eaten dinner yet. I was holding the one he was holding and then he let go. I thought, alright, he understood. But, Alas.. his hands were fast to grab the egg next to what I was holding and ran off.
So I ran after him and caught him. I'll admit. It wasn't cute. I was actually angry at what he did and I think he felt that. We walked for a little while and his mom was looking at clothes. I took this opportunity to talk to him. With all my might not to raise my voice, I told him that it wasn't right. It's bad. And that's how a person would end up in jail. (Come on, it is, right???) He looked up to me with the most sorry eyes I saw in my life with a bit of tears on the side and he said "Sorry" and hugged me.
I think to myself, "If I didn't need to go to the office everyday, this wouldn't have happened". I don't blame my wife, because she already has a lot on her plate. She works from home, takes care of Rex, fixes his school bag, school lunch. Sometimes she does the laundry while working. She even cooks for their lunch. So, yeah. She has a lot already.
I blame myself. I haven't been there for either of them.
He had trouble breathing recently. We thought it could be Asthma, since I had that, too when I was a kid. He would breathe in deep and exhale, like a very deep sigh.
But according to the doctor, it's actually psychological.
The simplest example the doctor gave is that when we (adults) think about something that bothers us, or remember something really sad or when we were afraid, we tend to do the same thing. In this case, it's the same with children.
I should've had more patience. I want to be better.
Not just for me.
But for my family. Because they deserve the best and I want to give them the best. I want them to be happy. We don't come from a wealthy family. There's a life I want them to have. But how can I, if I'm not even at my best self?
Honestly, I don't know where to go from here. I'm just going with the flow.
Until next time.