all the thougts in my head

Are you looking for someone to comfort you every time the sky lights up and thunder booms ?

Do you remember all those nights when I reassured you when you weren't feeling well ?

Do you miss a little piece of me every time the storm comes ?

Or have you forgotten all those moments, like you erased our history ?

I dreamed of my hand in your brown hair

of your warm breath on my neck

your lips on mine

of your warm hand on my body

it seems ridiculous to miss something I know nothing about with you

yet this dream haunted me all day long

overcome by a nostalgia that isn't even real

destroyed by a memory that never existed

and I dwell on the only feeling I remember, your hand in mine

and I cry when I think about the fact that I can no longer remember what your lips felt like on mine

You have this habit, when your world goes off the rails, of wanting to complicate my life.

Your words have been stabbing me relentlessly for years now.

Your insults are only truths, while my views are constant put-downs.

I've been asking myself for what seems like a century, what is it about me that disgusts you so much, and what have I done to deserve such treatment ?

And if you're still so angry, why do you want me to stay in your life ?

I want to be there for you. I want to create this friendship with you but I can't.

I don't deserve a friend who insults me every time her day doesn't go the way she wants.

I don't deserve a friend who doesn't like the person I am.

Everything was absolutely perfect.

Every place, every situation, every moment with you was incredible.

I cherish every moment I get to spend with you, even if it's only in my sleep.

Grateful to be able to experience what I could never experience with you.

I dreamed of the love we saw in the movies

I thought I'd found it the first time I fell in love

She was so beautiful, everything had happened so naturally, if she hadn't broken the little trust I had, I would have married her

But in addition to sullying the little dignity I had for myself, she lied to me and wiped out everything in her path

My second love could have been written

Children who grew up together and eventually fell in love

It could have been beautiful if only he hadn't soiled my body every time he felt like it

My heart never truly loved him

My third love...

At first everything was so attractive and hot and exciting, and then it got so dark...

My love for him doesn't go away, but I feel trapped between my heart and my reason

Why doesn't he make the necessary effort, and why does everything have to be so difficult ?

I dream of a love like the ones you see in the movies, like the one I experienced for the first time

It starts with a few thoughts, then dreams, and many mornings when I wake up immediately thinking about how I'm going to face all the future days without you

Some days are so painful that I have to swallow the tears that will fall down my cheeks in the evening, once I'm alone, far from the shame I still bear

And then I think of you, convinced that you're incapable of being loved. Searching tirelessly for the man who will make you feel like the most important thing in the world, forgetting all the love I've given to you

The love of a woman you once accepted now impossible to bear, to hold back

Is it because I'm a woman or because it's me ?

The monster who had the audacity to abandon you, to give you the chance to live a happy, healthy life ?

It was me who made you sick, that's what you said, so why did you make me the most filthy woman when I left ?

Because believe me, if you'd never uttered those words, I'd would have done everything for you, for your happiness and for your health

You wouldn't have to look for the man you're so desperately waiting for

You would have had a far more powerful love than you dream of now…

I knew you when you were barely ten years old

You were just an innocent child

Then you grew up and put your lips on mine

You explored a small part of my body that no one else had ever done

And when you had it all, you didn't want to escape it

And now that you're no longer the innocent child you used to be, you've decided to manipulate me

I misinterpreted your challenge and dove in

And I ended up drowning, totally paralyzed

You soiled my body as if it belonged to you

No one could make me realize it

And the day I understand it, it all fell apart

I had to mend all the wounds you'd made

Realize the friend you never were

Mourning all the people you stole from me

Every day I dream of tearing away that veil of innocence behind which you hide

But now that I've cleaned off the dirt you left behind, you should know that the wound almost never opens

What could i’ve done to make her turn on me so soon ? I was just a child, mute, lulled into dreams to forget the home that had been torn apart.

Looking back, I know I'm privileged and yet, deep down, I feel myself being eaten away by all these disappointments, all these failures.

Will my parents ever be proud of me? I'm tired of disappointing everyone around me. Yet I try, I do my best. But every time my soul sings, every time my hope of finally seeing the light arrives, I sink back into that terrifying darkness.

Will I ever succeed or have you woken me from my eternal sleep only to torture me ?