thoughtbynewt

Being in that space made me aware of something I usually keep quiet. I watched affection move easily between people, how naturally some are chosen, how effortlessly they fit into roles that seem almost predetermined. I was present, but not quite included in the exchange. The absence wasn't loud; it was subtle, like a pause in a conversation that never resumes.

As I try to fill the gaping hole in my heart by improving myself academically, I find that the spaces between studying and resting are where my thoughts wander most. In those quiet moments, despite discipline and effort, my mind drifts back to the same longing, for attention, reassurance, something achievement alone cannot fully provide.

Sometimes I mistake this longing for male attention, but not attention I am searching for. It is assurance. A confirmation that I am worthy of being chosen, worthy of affection, worthy of care that is given freely. When that reassurance is scarce, the desire does not disappear, it simply learns how to wait.