Comphet makes so much sense
I've had obsessive crushes on guys my whole life. I remember writing about my infatuations in my journals since I was a kid. I never seriously acted upon these crushes, though. They were usually unattainable. The few times a guy expressed interest in me first, I freaked out, I'd avoid them. Or if I indulged them and they went in for a kiss, I felt sick to my stomach. I found reasons for them to not be good enough for me. But I'd tell myself to give them a chance even when I wanted to run away screaming, and I ended up in unfulfilling uncomfortable scenarios.
What I wanted was validation and attention from my objects of desire. A relationship in which I was pursued was unsatisfactory. I tried hard to feel excited but something was missing. I was just along for the ride, trying to figure out if I was broken inside and incapable love.
My past infatuations included:
- Professors MUCH older than me
- Taken guys who were dating my friends
- an actual abusive Sociopath
- guys who didn't acknowledge me outside of class
The first man I convinced myself I was in love with was dating an ex-friend of mine. He and I were good friends and I let my infatuation bloom, I even eventually told myself I was physically attracted to him, that he's the only guy I'd actually marry and have kids with. But fast forward 3 years, when he was finally single and hit me up, I didn't want to pursue him even though I was *so* in love with him throughout the years. I just felt powerful that he desired me. I lost all serious interest. He came over one evening 2 years ago and his car got towed so he slept on my couch. At one point he woke me up asking if he could cuddle me and I said yes, and that moment was like so satisfying because I finally got what I thought I wanted from him. I didn't actually physically feel butterflies. He later asked me to be his Valentine and I said yes, but he didn't see me that day and left for New Zealand a few weeks later. I was only a little sad tbh. I feel like I still love him but as a platonic friend.
A lot of taken guys that I'm close to develop crushes on me, it feels powerful for a while but then I'm just uncomfortable with it, I just wish I could be best friends with men without them feeling anything about me.
I find that's true in general. I just want to be left alone. If a cute guy seems to be interested in me, I find every flaw possible to justify not wanting to indulge him. I just want to be "bros" with boys. I get nervous if I feel them checking me out. Even objectively attractive men make me nervous, and I'm not physically attracted to them and I don't see myself in a relationship with them.
In fact I've set impossible standards in place and I don't even see a man in my future at all. When I envision my future I see me, a cat, some house plants, and being the "cool aunt" babysitter at family gatherings when my brothers have kids. I have zero desire to pursue men at all.
I was dumped last month by a guy I decided to trust even though the first time he kissed me I freaked out and wanted to vomit. I told myself it was PTSD from a past experience and to get over myself and give him a chance because he's a good friend of my brothers' and he was really charming and easy to talk to. As the relationship continued he turned out to be a fucking narcissist, so that's fun, but I had to force myself to find him attractive and overlook the fact that I felt nothing towards him physically and kinda just ignored his corporeal form. He treated me great at first so I ignored my gut feelings. I grew to like the idea of him and the idea of our future because it would be so convenient since he's close to my family already. But when I imagined us long-term, I grew incredibly sad. I knew that I didn't want to actually settle down with him yet, because I wanted to be with a woman. That thought never went away.
The relationship went to shit and I've been recovering for a month now but I feel freed in a sense because I want to finally be with a woman. That idea is so exciting to me. I've always been attracted to women and I only acknowledged it at age 19 and I told myself I was bi because of my past infatuations for men. But accepting that I like girls was such a huge moment for me, I'd been repressing those feelings my whole life. I wasn't doing a good job apparently because everyone around me thought I was gay before I even entertained the idea.
I was actually kinda bullied and made fun of because everyone thought I was gay. Thankfully in marching band there were HELLA queer folks and I ended up running with the crowd that grew up to be members of the LGBT+ community. They all thought I was gay, too. Not even bi, just straight up gay. But I was too defensive about it and kept ignoring my feelings. I only had one real boyfriend in highschool and that was my senior year, it lasted until after my first semester in college until I broke it off. I never felt excited about him, he stopped communicating, so I found reasons to decide I shouldn't be in a relationship with him. He didn't do anything wrong per se, I just knew I couldn't be with him anymore.
That was my first serious relationship, and the longest one I had. The last one I got out of was only 4 months. And the entire time I was wishing I could be with a woman instead.
In the past I've entertained the idea of being a lesbian instead of being bi, since the only times I've been excited about someone hitting on me have been when they were women. I always had a special soft spot for my friends growing up. I realized last year that I felt love for my straight best friend. Something about women is just so exciting, they make me feel warm and get the butterflies, I blush and look away when I see a beautiful girl on campus. My Instagram feed is full of beautiful models and makeup artists, as well as traditional artists that draw women, and I'm just so drawn to appreciating women's bodies and their beauty.
Even drawing a woman gets me all excited and tingly. I never feel like that with men, even picturesque guys that are objectively attractive. I seriously thought I was asexual until I acknowledged my very real attraction to women.
In video games where you can woo a woman, I get so fucking excited for the chance to do so. Growing up (and still now) I occasionally make lesbian couples on the Sims, and I always felt this guilty excitement when they would kiss.
The first fantasy that excited me as a teenager that wasn't some fucked up power scenario was me imagining I was playing 7 minutes in heaven and getting paired up with a girl.
I've felt over the past few years that I'm definitely more on the gay side of the bisexual spectrum. But now I'm feeling like I really am a lesbian. I looked up comphet when I was searching for answers online and the masterdoc I found just perfectly described my life, I felt like I was seen and understood for the first time. I think everyone around me was right that I'm actually gay as fuck. Throughout my shitty relationship I found myself looking longingly at beautiful women and feeling like something in my life was missing. After things ended I wrote in my journals that I wished I were a lesbian. And finding the masterdoc was so affirming for me! I want to shout it from the rooftops but I'm afraid people will think it's just because I broke up last month and I'm just "done" dealing with men. But I feel like this chance to reflect upon myself has brought me to acknowledge that I'm Gay as FUCK. And that my feelings for men were comphet.
I previously identified as bisexual, and this is in no way being biphobic or dismissive, I will fight to the teeth to defend the legitimacy of bisexual folks, fight their erasure, and that they belong in queer spaces and queer discourse. I just, I think I just took a really long time to unravel my feelings, and I feel like I'm realizing at age 25 that I am, indeed, a lesbian.
It's a difficult feeling because I feel finally that I've found a label that fits me, but I've been out as Bi for years now and even though my immediate family never pressured me to settle down with a man and pop out babies, I feel like it was a choice I HAD to make. Like I had to just hang up my Bi flag and become a housewife. But I don't want that. I don't see myself with a man in the future. And if I want kids I can find a sperm donor. I think I'm feeling the loss of "the option" of living a straight life. But I don't want that at all. So it's difficult unwrapping myself from that expectation.
But yeah I'm fairly certain that I'm a lesbian, I feel like I need to tell people but I don't know how to go about doing it and I'm afraid I won't be taken seriously even though my immediate family is 100% supportive and accepting. I don't know how or when to come out to people. I'm still dealing with self doubt. But I'm fucking GAY GOD DAMNIT and I feel like everyone has to know!
Anyway of you read this really, I really appreciate it. This is a huge transformative moment for me.
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