more iconic than confused

and i got engaged tonight. if you’d told the version of me that started this blog, back when i was in high school, i would have lost my mind. i know that’s a cliche, babe. but it’s true.

i’m a little tipsy now. bear with me.

when i started this blog, it was under the url confusedsapphics. i was questioning my sexuality, questioning my brain, questioning my own value. i didn’t know what i wanted and i didn’t know whether i would deserve what i wanted even if i knew the answer. i didn’t know what my sexuality was, i didn’t know who i was, i didn’t know anything.

i met my now-fiancée(!) in the same coffee bean i used to spend all my time in, agonizing over my sexuality and general teenaged angst. i got to know her working on a web series i made to work through that same angst. i fell in love with her while taking the next steps forward, after getting rejected from my top choice schools, while coming into my own, after navigating another, broken relationship, while finally getting an autism diagnosis, growing comfortable in my own body, learning what i was capable of doing with my life.

and i’m not there yet. my relationship to my body is complex, i’m in grad school application hell, i still have no idea how to accommodate my own neurodivergence.

but she is safe. she is home. every time i have a problem, a fear, an anxiety, every time i make a mistake or get overwhelmed or confused, she’s there. and we talk about it. and i leave the conversation not only feeling better about whatever issue was going on, i feel better in our relationship, which i never think is even possible. but it is. every day with her is better than the last.

i know she can take care of me and i know that i know her well enough to take care of her. i’ve loved her for at least three years now, maybe more. when i first came out as a lesbian, the month i turned eighteen, i didn’t think i’d ever find love. not in a particularly dramatic way; i was just relatively certain it wouldn’t happen for me, and i was okay with that. i didn’t let myself want a life partner because i didn’t want the disappointment that would inevitably come without having one.

i was wrong. i was so wrong. she’s watching comedy clips online next to me right now. we’re wearing color coordinated pajamas. she has a ring on her finger that i chose for her. she’s showing me supernatural posts. she just bought us tickets to go to the metropolitan museum of art tomorrow. i love her more than i thought i’d love anyone ever.

anyway. i guess this is all to say—i’m glad i have this blog to show me how far i’ve come. and if anyone stumbles across this blog, or still follows it, or remembers me from way back when… that’s how i am. i’m engaged. i’m a lesbian, i’m still learning, i’m still growing, and i’m unbelievably in love.

love you all.

-ju*

*yes i’m a supernatural blogger now. ish. sorry