just vibing

"Would it traumatize you if I had an intimate relationship with your therapist?"

"Time to play 'truth or trauma!'"

"I'm not like other girls. I have endometriosis"

"I will literally shit on your foot, and you will regret it"

"Sorry, I saw that they had the audacity and immediately assumed they were a man"

"You wanna touch toes?"

"Hey sissy, we all came together and came to a unanimous conclusion that you need to shut the fuck up"

"If selling feet pics is what will pave my way to college, then these boots were made for walking"

"Wait, you like comic sans? Please eliminate yourself"

"You know, two of us taking each other's lives sounds pretty erotic"

"I will continue to eat these crackers until I am so diabetic that 99% of my body is gangrenous"

"'I refuse to die unless it's by sword fighting' 'I mean you can ask Ted Bundy if he has any swords in his car'"

"I would like to get so high that I wake up in Jamaica in the middle of a dance line with a tall Jamaican man grinding on me and me winding on him with aggressive reggae playing in the background"

"If death is upon you, then death better go down on me"

"This YA dystopia of a 2020 just keeps going"

"Hello! Welcome to my basement"

“If only we knew the formulas we were supposed to know and have forgotten”

"You'll see I have two screens. One is just a whiteboard with a glare, because we've fallen that low"

“You’d be like ‘What’s the point of this? Why?’ and you’d be right”

“These will be the most accurate inaccurate graphs you have ever made”

“What even is law anymore”

"She was gonna invent a thigh gap. She was trying to five minute crafts a thigh gap"

"If your brain was as juicy as your one buttcheek, you would be getting a lot farther in life"

"My fetish for nose hairs has skyrocketed since quarantine started"

"If they bring back Shangela, I'm sleeping with RuPaul's husband and that's final"

"You don't know life or death until you've built a blanket fort"

"Girl you didn't even wake up and choose violence. Violence chose you"

"I almost popped your skull. Bet you're glad I didn't"

"Are you saying I won't pierce my nipple, right here, right now?"

"I have to resurrect myself every morning"

"I either look like a founding father or Gollum with a weave, there's no in between"

On the topic of dyslexia: "I have the worst kind. Brain dyslexia"

"Hey, do I look stuffed right now?"

“Forget a tongue pop, those were my dentures”

"If some idiot decides not to cremate me, can you have them glue my hands to the sides of the casket so that when they close it *crunch*"

“If she doesn't respond within the next ten minutes, I’m changing my status to deceased”

"Bitch has cereal toes"

“If I drop out of the call at some point it’s because I’m destroying my smart board with a sledgehammer”

“Unfortunately, I’m not giving you guys an assignment this weekend. I know you’ll never forgive me”

“No you can’t switch seats, it’s a pandemic”

“The chain rule was the derivatives we found along the way”

Holding a plastic tri-fold screen thing: “This’ll definitely protect me from COVID. Because that’s how air works. It just hits the plastic then stops”

“Google has decided to make some mOnEy on this pandemic”

“So you’re telling me…You’re okay with the calculus, but not with the algebra?”

“My internet cut out right before school started and I was like ‘Oh! Snow day!’“

"I have so many flyaways I could be classified as a pegasus"

"What you don't know is I'm an android. I'm just ✨evolved✨"

"If you wouldn’t eat your own roadkill, do you even love yourself?"

“I think my brain uses illiteracy to procrastinate”

“For personal reasons, I will be turning into a motorcycle. Vroom vroom”

“I, once again, feel like I am pregnant with the antichrist”

“Sometimes I want to shit my pants without any consequences”

“Because mathematicians hate you….”

“You guys would get out of your seats, and that… that can not stand"

“If you’re still angry about our fraction within a fraction, you have to deal”

“‘Does the AP exam give us this formula?’ ‘AP gives you nothing except the knowledge that two thirds of the exam has no calculator’”

“If you want the full calculus experience, don’t go outside, don’t enjoy the weather, don’t have fun, just sit there repeating the same thing over and over again”

“Where’s your mask? You can’t show your face like an animal”

And finally, referring to the students taking the class online as “our virtual contestants” and “our players at home” 

“My sanity is stretched as thin as an American trying Vegemite for the first time”

“This is an important message: .grape.”

“Time is illiterate, age is Martha Stewart”

“He’s the Jesus to my Dobby”

@ a candle: “He’s have performance anxiety”

“I’m slower than a mother sloth when her child is in danger”

"I feel that my art is the definition of 'trust the process'"

“If we walk into this house, is it vore?”

“I smack her with my giant hydro flask”

“When do we get to meet Mothman?”

“We’re now in Missouri, the worst state”

“I really want you guys to wreak havoc in a Denny’s”

“Well, I already ate you, so…”

“I pull out my ‘I love Cedar Rapids’ T-shirt and my water bottle and I gently waterboard him”

“She swerves to miss a possum, the possum says ‘hey watch it’”

“You're 16, I'm 19. I can commit tax fraud, you can’t”

“Does the demon have corn powers?”

“I shove my corn cob down his throat to choke him”

“We’re gonna shooty mcgun him again”

"I'm the DJ of blood, you know what I'm sayin"

"Have you ever seen a 15 year old descend into alcoholism?"

"'Did winning feel good?' 'Like a meth addict. First high'"

"Sorry, I had to make sure I was still alive"

"You know those videos they used to show you in health class, of like, a 45 year old man's lungs after a whole life of smoking? That's how I feel right now. Just the lungs though. Crispy, smoky lungs"

Bonus Round: Things my brother has said while playing video games when he thinks no one is listening

"Break the bamboo. Break the bamboo. BREAK THE BAMBOO"

"Just go away! No one loves you!"

“Steal their children. And their corn”

"If we were to describe exclamation points as a little kid jumping up and down, then brackets are an old white guy pushing up his monocle" 

"This can doesn't crush under 130 pounds, I’m kinda concerned"

"Why is this can stronger than my morals"

"A B C D E F G, Barney is my enemy. Put my gun up to his head. Pull my trigger now he's dead. Wait. Or is that Bohemian Rhapsody?"

"I planned on getting both of my responses done today, but you people wouldn't do my work for me"

"She doesn't have a reason, she's just a fucktard"